My Perfect Gay Boyfriend

Gay Dating

My Perfect Gay Boyfriend

Brian Rzepczynski

Written by: Brian Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles and reports have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement.

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Without a strategic plan in place, dating can be an overwhelming experience.

Feeling like a “fish out of water,” many gay men may flounder in their efforts to try and find a compatible dating partner, typically being ruled by attraction and chemistry that usually can overshadow the fact there is little in common beyond that spark.

Having a solid understanding of who you are, what you stand for and what you’re specifically looking for in terms of a partner and a relationship can be the best armor you have in protecting yourself in the dating jungle and in ensuring you’re aligning yourself with the most compatible men you’re meant to meet!

In essence, your “boyfriend picker” is your screening mechanism that will help you filter in those men who meet your personal requirements versus weeding out those that are off the mark and whom you should avoid investing your heart, time and energy.

Make a list.

A simple exercise for building this screening tool is to write an exhaustive list of all the characteristics and qualities you’re looking for in a life mate and relationship, identifying which of these items are negotiable versus those that would be deemed “deal-breakers.”

Then, when you’re out and about meeting people, you’ll refer to this knowledge base to help you make sound decisions about whom you classify as potential dating material, who might be more of a friend status and those with whom it would be best to run for the hills.

The trick is to make your decisions off this screening tool and not deviate from it.

No matter how “hot” he is, if he doesn’t meet your criteria for a life partner, you’ll only be setting yourself up for drama and heartache if you invest yourself in him.

Some people have a hard time coming up with their negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a partner.


“A simple exercise is to write a

list of the qualities you’re looking for.”

What characteristics are important to you?

Below are some characteristics you may want to evaluate to help you make these determinations. Identify the importance you attach to the following traits of your ideal match:

  • Similar versus dissimilar hobbies and interests
  • Type of employment
  • Personality
  • Sense of humor
  • Physical appearance and style of dress
  • Masculinity/Femininity/Androgyny
  • Financial situation and management
  • Living situation
  • Sexual attraction and chemistry
  • Degree of affection
  • Level of “outness” and comfort with being gay
  • Level of involvement in the gay community
  • Political beliefs
  • Type of relationship desired (long term, no strings, companionate, etc.)
  • Beliefs about monogamy
  • Alcohol or drug usage
  • Beliefs about gay marriage and having children

After doing this exercise, what have you learned about yourself? How can this information help you maximize your success in the gay dating world?

Please share any other qualities you feel are important to assess.

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