What Is Monogamy & Is It Realistic In Modern Dating?

If you’re a ‘90s kid like me, monogamy has been imprinted in your mind just as much as a love for Jim Carrey and the lyrics to Britney Spears’ hit classic “Baby One More Time.” The concept — which has traditionally been defined as “the state or custom of being married to only one person at a time” — was the only relationship model depicted in the songs, movies, and other media of old. Monogamous precepts were the blueprint for how we (or at least I) approached relationships as romance and sexual encounters. 

Monogamy refers to the practice of being romantically committed to one individual to the exclusion of others.

But, in today’s world of dating apps, situationships, and ghosting, it’s safe to say that things have changed. The way we view love and partnership has taken on many forms — both embraced and rejected by those around us — and the romantic landscape is full of people stumbling about, trying new things, and discovering what works (or what definitely does not work) for them. 

Thinking to yourself, “Tell me, baby ‘cause I need to know” more? I’ve got you. Keep reading this comprehensive guide to unpack the monster topic of monogamy, including the origins of this societal practice and a discussion of whether I think it can survive against all Tinder-swiping, DM-sliding, bailing-out-of-nowhere odds. 

A fact that surprised me in my research is that monogamy was not the default setting for our ancestors. I’ll take you through some quick history for context.

Nomadic People Didn’t Stay Together

The earliest primates were solitary creatures and, in fact, only interacted with one another when it was time to mate. This meant that any male or female primate could mate with multiple partners throughout their lifetimes, basically hooking up with whomever happened to be passing through. 

Millions of years later, when our earliest human ancestors became socialized and communal, a pesky little thing called STDs made the idea of sticking to one sexual partner a lot more appealing. On an even darker note, the human history of infanticide also has something to do with it.

As a Basis for Marriage

As time went on and bipedalism became the new “thing,” cultural norms and religious beliefs came into the picture. People began planting and growing crops, which created the concept of land ownership. Such is the greedy human way, people became quite attached to their land, and, eventually, concerned with who their land (and other possessions) would pass to when they died. That’s where marriage came in.

Marriage began as a practical function to keep property ownership within bloodlines.

Landowners and their kin would enter into contractual marriages that made it crystal clear who would get what once the original owner had passed away. Logistically, this kind of makes sense.

By the time Christianity, Judaism, and Islam entered the chat, marriage and monogamy were already two peas in a pod. Religion then hammered the concept into the ground even more to reinforce societal stability.

Religious leaders, including Emperor Constantine the Great (of the Roman Empire), reframed monogamy as a moral practice, not just an economic one. Those teachings persist to this day.

The remarkable prevalence of divorce and infidelity in Western society has taken me on a personal journey of exploration. Along the way, I’ve encountered and grappled with some commonly held beliefs surrounding monogamy that have been wildly misunderstood. Here are a handful:

Myth #1: “One Person Can Meet All of Your Needs.”

Truth: Although you should have high standards for the people you allow into your life, it’s ultimately unrealistic to expect that your partner should be everything to you: a provider, a therapist, a best friend, a caretaker, and everything in between at all times.

Creating a support network consisting of friends, family, and loved ones that fill your needs in different ways takes the pressure off your romantic relationship and creates a healthier, more sustainable dynamic. 

Myth #2: “Intimacy Should be Reserved for Romantic Relationships Only.”

Truth: Intimacy isn’t just about sex, and it doesn’t just happen within your romantic partnerships. Intimacy can mean sharing your vulnerabilities, being emotionally supportive, and offering verbal and physical comfort. Receiving love from a partner is great, but sometimes a group hug from your girlies is the extra push you need to get through a hard day. 

Myth #3: “Monogamy Is the Same for Everyone.”

Truth: Just like diets, clothes, and lifestyles aren’t “one-size-fits-all,” and neither are relationships. Relationships are extremely personal, and should be shaped to fit the needs of those within them — as long as the ways in which you do this are mutually agreed upon, of course. 

Cultural shifts don’t happen overnight, and they certainly don’t exist in a vacuum. Over the past decade or so, dating apps and burgeoning access to information have many people — particularly among the millennial and Gen Z generations — unpacking what love and relationships mean to them. 

The Rise of Casual Dating

When you live in a society where exploring a new love interest requires about the same amount of energy as DoorDashing a midnight burrito, it’s unsurprising to discover that the way younger generations view dating has changed. Gen Zers just aren’t in a hurry to lock things down and be exclusive.

With an entire pool of singles (seemingly) at their fingertips, many people fall into the delusion that “the grass is always greener” and become more reluctant to commit to a singular partner.

Consequently, a rise in hookup culture has led to the creation of terms like “situationship” (a relationship that is more than a friendship, is likely sexual, and has no label), “sneaky link” (someone you’re hooking up with on the low), and “FWB” (Friends With Benefits). 

Social Norms

The internet has shared so many pieces of information that I could have gone my entire life without knowing (and would have liked to) — such as what the inside of a kangaroo pouch really looks like or insider information about a celebrity feud that probably doesn’t exist.

But it’s mostly been incredibly powerful in opening my eyes to different perspectives, including different ways of approaching relationships. 

Through my TikTok and Instagram feed, I’ve consumed countless stories from people of all backgrounds. I’ve seen people who have not only explored but have found success in polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

The jury’s still out on whether any of these relationship types are for me, but there is a sort of freedom in knowing that not everything in life, including in love and romance, has to be a cookie-cutter rule.

In thinking about this, I’ve come to ask myself: Is it so much that dating norms have changed, or that people with stories different from the ones we’ve grown up with are simply becoming more visible? I’m guessing probably a bit of both. 

Millennials and Gen Z Perspectives

Now, the personal experiences I’ve shared above are exactly that: personal. But that doesn’t mean I’m alone in them. Recent research shows that millennials and Gen Zers are more open to non-monogamous relationships than any other generation before them. 

Whether it’s due to dating apps, Western society’s high divorce rates, or access to a diverse range of relationship stories via the internet, younger generations are questioning the current model and deciding to carve new paths of their own.

In fact, they’re experiencing a shift away from focusing so much on relationships altogether and instead choosing to channel their energy into personal growth, nurturing their friendships, and building a fulfilling career. 

An exploration of the benefits of other, newer relationship paths doesn’t take away from the value that more traditional models can bring. Many couples have found and will continue to find great satisfaction with monogamy and for a handful of reasons. 

Clear Expectations

The thing about tradition is that there aren’t any questions. You know exactly what’s expected of you, and exactly what you should expect from others — monogamy not excluded. 

In a standard romantic relationship, you anticipate that you and your partner are on the same page about the big stuff: you won’t cheat on each other, you’re supportive of one another, and, most likely, you’ll follow the traditional relationship timeline (dating, engagement, marriage, and, maybe, having children).

Perhaps this model won’t work for everyone, but there is a relief that comes with knowing you’ve got a blueprint laid out for you. 

Strong Emotional Bonds

Many people enjoy the idea of sharing deep, intimate connections with one special person — someone who knows them inside and out, and supports them emotionally during the good times and the bad. This isn’t to say that these same types of connections can’t be shared with multiple people, but some value the exclusivity and uniqueness of this singular model. 

Trust & Respect

Being committed to one specific partner — especially over a long period of time — has a beautiful way of building a strong foundation of trust, communication, and mutual respect.

Through the ups and downs of life, you learn valuable lessons about how to express your needs, navigate conflict in healthy ways, and bring out the best in each other.

While I’ve personally witnessed many relationships flourish in monogamy, I’ve also witnessed dozens of relationships crumble in it. Whether it’s through digital temptations or their own insecurities, many people in the modern world are faced with roadblocks that, to me, represent a glaring sign of the times. 

Digital Distractions and Temptations

One of the many benefits of having been single for nearly a decade is that I’ve mostly been spared from dealing with the complications that social media and the digital sphere has brought into relationships. 

Because of the almost unlimited access to a wide range of people online, and the privacy (and, sometimes, secrecy) that our digital devices allow, it’s easier than ever for people to stray from their committed relationship. This can occur either through cheating or, a new term love experts are using, micro-cheating.

Micro-cheating involves behaviors such as liking an Instagram model’s picture online, sliding into the DMs of someone you find attractive, or creating a secret online dating profile. 

Trust Issues

Many people who have suffered from previous relationship trauma (whether due to parental figures or previous romantic partners) still desire companionship and will continue to enter new relationships. Unfortunately, they may bring trust issues into their new partnership.

The wounds from this previous trauma can impact current or future relationships. The trust issues that arose from past betrayals or breakups still linger, often creating problems in their new partnerships that may not have been there otherwise. 

Fear of Commitment

As someone who spent about two-thirds of her life as a die-hard hopeless romantic, I used to find it so hard to understand why someone would be afraid of being in a relationship. “Isn’t romantic love what life is all about?!”

Now, an absent father, two narcissistic relationships, and a handful of ghostings later, I can say with my chest: I get it. And I know I’m not the only one.

People everywhere are waking up to the many ways in which partnership can create deep wounds in your psyche, making them want to avoid that pain altogether. 

As we touched on above, the temptation people face on a constant basis plays an impactful role in the fear of commitment. The thought process is: “If I have xyz number of options, why would I settle for just one?”

We’ve talked plenty about monogamy — now, let’s get into non-monogamy. What exactly is it? And how does it relate to the standard model of relationships we’re all familiar with?

Defining Non-Monogamy

“Non-monogamy” is an umbrella term used to describe any relationship that doesn’t adhere to the traditional two-person dynamic.

Underneath the non-monogamy category are the following lifestyle options:

• polyamorous relationships: couples can have intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person. Polyamorous dating usually means having a primary partner and one or more secondary partners.
• open relationships: partners can engage in sexual encounters with people outside their relationship.
• throupleships: committed and consensual relationships between three people.

If you explore the world of ethical non-monogamy, you’ll find many more types of arrangements, swinger parties, and polycules. 

Ethical Implications 

Many people find themselves in relationships where their partner falls in love or hooks up with someone else. Whether this is considered cheating will come down to one thing: consent.

In other words, non-monogamous couples sign up for sexual or romantic encounters outside their primary partnership, while monogamous couples do not.

That said, if opening up your relationship is something you and your partner want to explore, you’ll have to work together to set the rules, expectations, and boundaries. Going about it any other way is a one-way ticket to Sus Town, USA.

Personal Choice and Freedom 

Bring up the idea of non-monogamy to my mom, and you can expect a swift nose crinkle (indicating disapproval, of course). However, I’d be willing to bet that there are plenty of happily non-monogamous people who would respond with the very same nose crinkle at the thought of being with only one partner for the rest of their lives. 

“I found monogamy difficult, and I find polyamory difficult too, because we live in a world that’s built to accommodate monogamy much more so than polyamory.” — A poly person on Reddit

When it comes to most things in life, there are different strokes for different folks (quite literally). What may create a satisfied, successful personal life for you may not work so well for someone else.

Ways They’re the Same

One could argue that monogamy and non-monogamy are more alike than they are different. Similarly to closed relationships, open ones are based on a foundation of mutual respect, consent, trust, and intentional communication. Without nurturing all of these qualities, any relationship would struggle not to fall apart. 

When we think about how much has changed in the romantic landscape over just the past couple of decades, it’s easy to assume that it will continue to grow and evolve in the coming ones. What may these shifts look like, and what will that mean for those of us seeking love? Let’s discuss. 

Monogamy’s Relevance in the Future

In the same way that seeing two men holding hands on the street doesn’t make you gay, becoming aware of non-monogamous relationship styles doesn’t mean that you’re going to practice them. Monogamy remains the dominant force in the dating world.

Although acceptance of non-monogamy is on the rise, our experts predict that monogamy will remain the go-to relationship model for a majority of the Western population, likely evolving to accommodate the perpetual evolution of modern society.  

Open Dialogue and Flexibility

If nothing else, the greater prevalence of diverse relationship types has sparked conversations among couples and singles alike about what relationships really mean to them, and how they’d like them to look.

Because whether you choose to open your duo up to a third (or fourth or fifth or sixth…) member, clear communication and continuous discussions surrounding boundaries will be the glue that keeps your love together.

Cultural Shift Toward Independence

In addition to redefining relationships in the modern world, many people are choosing to opt out of them altogether. Our society, especially Gen Zers and millennials, have had their eyes opened to the many ways monogamy has failed those who have come before us, and are choosing to invest, instead, in personal growth and professional development. 

Relationships demand a significant amount of emotional, financial, and physical energy — and, much of the time, end in a breakup or divorce. Being single is pretty simple in comparison.

Independence opens up an entirely new set of opportunities to explore. 

I don’t know about you guys, but unpacking monogamy has felt like a death and a rebirth at the same time. On one hand, I’ve had to mourn the idealized version of love and marriage that I’ve held dearly almost my entire life — the one where your partner “completes you” and you live happily ever after, dying in the same bed at the same time like Noah and Allie in “The Notebook”. 

On the other hand, this mulling over process has made available an entirely new set of avenues to explore — if I so choose.

And that right there is the key: choice. Doing what feels right for you. Maybe monogamy is your vibe; maybe it’s not. Maybe polyamory is more aligned with your needs; maybe it’s not. Maybe being one-third of a throuple bakes your cake in ways you never thought possible; maybe it doesn’t. 

The point is: Who am I to judge? Or anyone, really? We’ve got one life to live, and only we know how to do it in the ways that feel most authentic to us. As long as you and your partner (or partners) are using effective communication, mutual respect, and boundary setting, you’re on the fast track to a successful relationship (or, at least, some life lessons).