Exploring Breakups and the Anatomy of a Romantic Relationship’s End

Breakups are never easy. Every breakup I’ve been through has taken me on an emotional rollercoaster. It’s like going through the five stages of grief, except the person is still alive and probably on Instagram.

A breakup means the end of a romantic relationship, but I can’t help but wonder: How do you know when to break up with someone, and how do you do it well while keeping your heart intact? 

Read on to learn more about the inner workings of a breakup and how to cope with the aftermath. Fair warning: it doesn’t have to include a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

When a relationship is nearing its end, you may feel it coming apart. If you catch the signs early, you’ll be more emotionally prepared. Here are just a few of the signs that your relationship is heading to an end.

1. Communication Breakdown

Everyone says communication is key, but they don’t say where the key is, how to use it, and how to replace it. When communication breaks down, either you or your partner could be experiencing the following:

• Lack of deep, active listening 
• Lack of understanding and compassion
• Superficial conversations
• Lying, manipulating (ie, gaslighting), or avoiding the truth
• Suppressing feelings, needs, and expectations
• Consistently poor response time to calls and texts
• Placing blame instead of taking responsibility
• Being defensive

Communication issues can also include when a partner uses general, blanket language to describe you or your partner’s actions.

Statements such as, “You always do this” or “You never do that” can be harmful to the testament of your or your partner’s other good deeds. 

Making assumptions also limits your ability to see things from a broader perspective. 

According to Vijayeta Sinh, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Mount Sinai in New York City, “How you communicate your wants, needs, and desires to your partner and how they receive that, and vice versa, is the foundation of your relationship.”

2. Emotional Distance

Emotional distance is similar to physical distance, except instead of your partner being a million miles away, you just feel like they’re a million miles away–even if they’re right next to you. 

If you find yourself bottling up or limiting your discussions about your emotions, that’s a sign that you or your partner are emotionally distant.

Pulling away instead of leaning into discomfort, vulnerability, and curiosity can be a painful cycle. 

Emotional distance can align with a lack of physical intimacy. Because physical touch releases the feel-good chemicals that promote bonding, you’re less likely to reach out or receive a loving touch if you’re emotionally distant.

Hence, your partner might feel more like a roommate or friend. You might also feel inclined to get your needs met outside the relationship. The longer the conflict goes unresolved, or the feelings under the rug pile up, the greater the emotional distance becomes.

3. Conflict Escalation

Relationship conflicts can arise from differences in opinions on everything from chores and finances to sex and how to raise children. Conflict is normal, but how you handle it may not be. Escalation of conflict occurs when a partner communicates in a way that increases the tension. Signs of this include:

• Raising their voice
• Making harsh, critical comments
• Expressing rage in unhealthy, unsafe ways
• Making threats
• Making personal attacks on a partner’s insecurities

Instead of using constructive criticism or healthy resolutions to de-escalate the conflict, partners typically raise the stakes and say things they’ll later regret. 

In Marshall Rosenberg’s famous book, Nonviolent Communication, he writes, “When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.” 

As conflict arises, partners typically choose between shutting down or fighting back. In the long term, the relationship will erode over time if conflicts are discussed using manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and defensiveness. 

Breakups happen for a lot of reasons, and usually, they don’t happen due to one event or circumstance. Similar to how relationships are formed, breakups have complex and multifaceted underpinnings. While many factors can contribute to a breakup, these are the common ones.

1. Dealbreakers

Some important dealbreakers are abuse, cheating, or addiction. For others, it may be that they live in another state, have children, or still talk to their ex. Deciding on whether to break up becomes a little easier when you differentiate between the must-haves and the can’t-haves. 

If your partner doesn’t want the same lifestyle you do, this could be a dealbreaker. For example, if they want to move to the country, and you want to stay in the city, this could end the relationship down the line. 

Other forms of extreme dealbreakers could be abuse. If your partner is emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, this is a sign to leave the relationship immediately, and if in danger, to seek help to leave. A partner should be supportive, kind, and friendly, not someone you’re afraid of. 

Other dealbreakers include:

• Lack of sexual chemistry
• Different religious values
• Views on having children
• Lifestyle differences
• Being unsupportive of your goals and dreams
• Unresolved trauma
• Being an unambitious partner
• Not taking care of themselves

2. Personal Growth and Change

People change. They can fall in and out of love. While most of us desire someone who works on themselves and their issues, that path may not involve us down the line. 

When it comes to personal growth, a partner may feel goals. Other times, a person may want to be alone and not in a partnership.

Or it could be that they’ve outgrown the relationship and want to be with someone who matches their values, lifestyle, and emotional or spiritual needs.

If you’re not growing and changing together or being supportive of that shift, then neither of you is adapting. While most of us know the age-old saying that you can’t expect a person to change, the truth is that most people do. You’re either growing together or growing apart. 

Having patience and compassion for change is vital to a relationship. If that isn’t there, then the relationship cannot thrive.  

3. Compatibility Issues

Relationships thrive on people getting along. Compatibility is usually found at the beginning of the relationship, but it can be tested when things get rocky. 

While conflict is normal, compatibility issues arise when a partner cannot handle the conflict and goes into the fight, flight, or fawn response: either becoming more aggressive, fleeing the conflict entirely, or panicking and trying to appease others without actually reaching a resolution. 

Incompatibility can manifest differently depending on the relationship dynamics. If you and your partner have different life goals you’re not willing to compromise on, this can lead to a breakup. Intellectual differences, such as different education levels or interests, can also cause a rift. 

Other signs of incompatibility include:

• Constant arguments without resolution
• Lack of similar interests
• Discomfort being yourself around your partner
• Differences in sex drive

4. External Stressors 

Think of any romantic movie where the couple bickers about something seemingly inconsequential, such as whose turn it is to do the dishes. We all know it’s not about the dishes. It’s about their work, their family, their town’s mayor just dying, or just about anything else. 

These external stressors infiltrate the relationship until communication breaks down because nothing is being said about the issue at hand. 

External stressors are rampant. Everyone deals with stress in some form or another. It’s when we don’t manage it properly or take it out on our loved ones that it becomes toxic or unhealthy. 

Financial problems, family dynamics, mental illness, physical illness, social media, and trust issues can all contribute to a relationship’s end. 

Suppose these problems aren’t handled appropriately or processed in healthy ways, such as through therapy, journaling, or nonviolent communication. In that case, a couple cannot withstand the stress and will falter under the pressure. 

Doctoral candidate Rosie Shrout from the University of Nevada understands that stress in a relationship is normal, but avoiding dealing with it isn’t. She wrote, “Not dealing with stress can create a negative cycle where partners “catch” each other’s stress. This happens because stress is contagious – when our partners are stressed, we become stressed.”

5. Relationship Dynamics

The balance of power between a couple is typically set up in the first few seconds of a meeting and can evolve throughout the relationship. However, several types of relationship dynamics can be unhealthy and lead to breakups. These include:

• Demand-withdrawal: When one partner is the “demander,” they seek to confront change, discuss it, and constantly search for a resolution. Meanwhile, the other partner is avoidant and withdrawn.
• Distance-pursuer: When one person, the “pursuer,” tries to be intimate with their partner (the “distancer”), who feels smothered and pulls away.
• Fear-shame: When one partner’s fear and insecurity bring out the shame and avoidance in the other, and vice versa.

Couples who face at least one of these three power dynamics are at a higher risk of separating or breaking up. These dynamics are usually unconscious and difficult to break without outside help. 

6. Infidelity

Infidelity can include having an emotional, romantic, or physical relationship with someone outside one’s monogamous relationship. The impact of infidelity can be devastating.

A study from the National Library of Medicine on Love and Infidelity found that “Infidelity may not only have a destructive impact on the relationship, which may lead to separation or divorce, but may negatively affect the partners’ overall emotional wellbeing, leading to enhanced depressive symptoms and lowered self-esteem.” 

The effects of infidelity mirror those of PTSD or grief. It’s common for this kind of breach of trust to lead directly to a breakup. While some couples may attempt to work through infidelity, others find it challenging to overcome the negative feelings and repair the relationship. 

Breaking up is sometimes a necessary evil. Do it respectfully, and you can still walk away feeling sad, angry, or hopeless. Luckily, some ways can make the blow a little easier on the recipient. These tools are great ways to ease into the breakup in a way that makes you both feel heard and your boundaries protected. 

Talk About It in Person When Possible

While texting, voice memos, and social media seem like efficient ways to end things, having a conversation in person can be much more effective and meaningful than a quick message sent through a screen. 

If you feel safe, it’s best to meet in a neutral place where you can both speak openly and say your reasons for breaking up.

Meeting in person is important because it allows the other person to read your facial expressions and ask questions about your reasoning or expectations.

It’s also kinder to break up in person if you’ve been with someone for a long time or have reached a certain level of intimacy.

Avoid Placing Blame

Don’t play the blame game during your breakup. No one is keeping score, and you’re not going to do any good by pointing fingers.

Using “I” statements is critical when discussing a breakup with a partner. It may be therapy speak for those who are familiar with it, but it’s also good advice for people who just want to be better communicators.

Focusing on yourself and your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors is a great way to avoid placing blame on the other person.

Voicing your perspective allows you to take responsibility for your emotional experience and let the other person have their own. 

Discuss Logistics 

If you share a place, children, or belongings, you may need to discuss logistics. This is normal and totally acceptable in a breakup conversation, and there may be more than one discussion to follow the breakup. 

Understand that the sooner you can handle the logistics, the sooner you and the other person can handle the emotional aftermath. Discuss appropriate steps to quickly and conveniently retrieve your belongings or return theirs.

Make plans to move out, or have your partner move out respectfully. 

If an urgent breakup needs to happen immediately, kindly ask the person to move out as soon as possible. If they repeatedly don’t concede or show hostility, get support from friends and family to be present during their move. 

Answer Questions Honestly (But Not Too Honest)

Criticism and explaining someone’s faults can be difficult for the person on the receiving end.

Focus on the good things and why you’re breaking up in the first place. Be honest but not harsh. It’s not your job to change the person. 

It’s great to be transparent about why you’re breaking up, but there’s no need to go into every detail.

This may do more harm than good to the end of the relationship.

If you want to end things on a good note, it’s best to wish your ex well and move on. 

Be Brief 

Breakups are hard as is. There’s no need to push the matter or prolong the suffering with a long rant of all the reasons why you’re leaving. Once you state your reasoning, feel free to have a plan to leave the scene. 

Make sure you’re safe, and say what you must, but keep it short. It won’t be easy, but it can be simple. If you need to express more, allow yourself to journal about it, discuss it with a trusted friend, family, or mentor, or seek counseling. 

Leaving a person you’ve developed emotional and physical intimacy with can feel a lot like losing a loved one because, in a sense, you are. Many people compare a breakup to undergoing the five stages of grief. 

Here, I’ve recounted the emotional stages of breakup grief and what to expect when you go through them. 

1. Denial and Shock

We’ve all been there. You’ve broken up with someone or been broken up with, and you still don’t think it’s real. “I can’t believe it” plays like a broken record in your mind. 

Denial is a natural defense mechanism that helps your brain cope with the fact that the relationship is over. Denial can look like trying to get back together with your ex or your ex trying to get back together with you. It could also show itself as amplifying the positive aspects of your relationship and overlooking the negative ones. 

2. Anger and Blame

After denial and the initial shock wears off, anger and blame might seep in. You might feel more irritable, less tolerant of others, and have visions of hurting your ex’s feelings in some way. Feelings of hopelessness, hurt, confusion, and abandonment could be under the anger. 

Avoid making impulsive decisions when you’re angry, and express your anger in healthy ways, such as feeling your feelings, journaling, sharing with a friend, exercising, and creating. 

3. Sadness

Sadness is typically hiding beneath the surface of anger. Sadness that originates post-breakup could be because, when we’re in a relationship, we’re used to that person keeping our systems in balance. They calm us down when we’re agitated, energize us when we’re feeling fatigued, and motivate us when we feel down. 

According to a study at The University of Arizona that surveyed more than 200 college students post-breakup, adults going through a breakup are experiencing sadness because they’ve lost the person who kept their internal cycles on track. 

This physical and emotional deregulation can feel like a crushing depression and cause signs of stress, such as elevated heart rate and high blood pressure. 

4. Acceptance and Healing

Acceptance and healing are necessary in overcoming a breakup. When you feel acceptance, you tend to feel an overall peace inside. You may not experience extreme feelings of happiness or sadness, but just contentment with what is. 

There’s an inherent wisdom in this stage. You’ve felt your feelings and reflected on the lessons learned. You can begin to heal and move on as you face your new identity, new life, and potentially new love. 

There’s no denying it– breakups suck. While there’s no getting around the pain that comes with a breakup, you can do plenty of things to make the process less stressful. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and reach out to the people around you when you need support.

1. Practice Self-Care

It’s important to practice self-care when going through a breakup. Carve out time to maintain and bolster your mental and emotional well-being.

Self-care can mean different things to different people.

While it can include bubble baths and spa days, self-care can also involve being kind to yourself and saying nice things to yourself in the mirror. Or it could be as simple as making time for fun activities you enjoy. 

You can practice self-care by keeping better boundaries, seeing a therapist, or taking a class on something you’ve always wanted to learn. 

2. Seek Support From Friends & Family

While it may be difficult to reach out and be vulnerable, our community is the unit that helps us in times of need. Your friends and family can steer you in the right direction, help you stay grounded and sane, and give you that dose of fun when needed. 

Loved ones will be there to love you, uplift you, and give you the space to vent appropriately. When you give them a call or visit them, you may find yourself supporting them and hearing their troubles. 

3. Journaling

Putting pen to paper is a great way to process your feelings without burdening others. It’s basically free therapy. 

Journaling in a notebook, on a tablet or phone, or just speaking stream of consciousness aloud can help you process your feelings. 

According to habitbetter.com, 65% of people found that journaling decreased their stress levels, and 74% saw it as a great emotional venting tool.

Whether you’re writing poems about heartbreak or venting out your anger at an ex, your journal can be the ideal safe space to work through tough emotions.

4. Dating Again

When you’re ready to date again, you’ll feel less resentful of your ex, excited at the prospect of meeting someone new, and prepared to open your heart again. 

You may even be excited to practice new ways of being in relationships and find people who attract the new version of yourself. Dating again is a great way to put yourself out there and have new adventures that can widen your horizons. 

There’s a reason it’s a famous song lyric–because it’s true! Breaking up isn’t easy, but when you have the right tools, know how to use them, and understand that this, too, shall pass, the loss will be easier to bear. 

Understand that you’re not alone in what you’re going through, and this isn’t a permanent experience. You will grow and love again. 

Try to have empathy for your and your partner’s experience of the breakup and find the self-awareness that you will be okay. The truth is, you were okay before you met this person, and you’ll be okay after.