What Is Cheating? Influencing Factors & Red Flags

Infidelity is a dirty secret that’s not always so secret these days. You probably know at least one friend who has been cheated on. You might have seen the signs of cheating up close in your family or your relationship. And then you hear about yet another celebrity couple breaking up over a torrid affair – Hugh Jackman, why?! It’s enough to make you want to give up on love entirely, sometimes.

Cheating means having an illicit physical or emotional connection with someone outside of a committed relationship or marriage.

Don’t get discouraged! My research found that cheating is common, yes – but it’s also avoidable and survivable. That means if you pay attention, you can spot the signs of cheating early on and either address it or dump the cheater and find someone worth your while.

I’ve put together everything you need to know about cheating, including red flags to look out for and how to proceed when you catch your partner sneaking around behind your back. 

Types of Cheating | Personal Perspectives | Influencing Factors | Red Flags | Impact on Relationships

When you think of unfaithfulness, you probably have a mental image of someone slipping off to a hotel for a rendezvous with their secret lover. What you might not realize is that cheating doesn’t need to involve sex at all. 

A lot of cheaters like to justify their actions by claiming there are gray areas. I don’t buy that though. The truth is that cheating comes in many forms, and all of them are hurtful.

Emotional Cheating 

Have you ever caught your partner messaging heartfelt notes to someone else? You might sense that your partner is offering support and comfort to another person. 

Perhaps your partner and a close friend are behaving as couples do in terms of how often they talk and the way they lean on each other. Eventually, you may start to question if they care about this other person more than you.

Your partner may not have jumped in bed with their close friend, but they’ve already checked out when it comes to emotional fidelity. That’s emotional cheating.

Emotional cheating happens when someone shares a deep emotional connection outside of their relationship. This is different from just a close friendship. When someone is emotionally cheating, they’re pouring their thoughts and emotions into another person while icing out their partner. 

An emotionally cheating partner will start seeking emotional fulfillment from a friend rather than from you. This can leave you feeling starved of affection or like your spouse is little more than a roommate. 

Worse, because people can feel less inclined to hide emotional affairs, you might be a witness to it all. It’s sort of like sitting in the audience watching someone else play the leading role that you used to fill.

According to TechReport statistics, both men and women dislike emotional affairs more than they do physical affairs. The fact that a loved one feels emotional intimacy with another person can be threatening or even devastating if that intimacy is lacking in their real relationship.

In many cases, emotional affairs start in the workplace. It makes sense because coworkers spend a large portion of the day together and are isolated from their partners. It’s important to establish boundaries on what’s acceptable when interacting with coworkers. While maintaining good friendships is normal and healthy, there’s a point where things can go too far.

Physical Cheating

Physical cheating is the most common and egregious example of relationship betrayal. Few things sting more than learning your partner has kissed, fondled, or engaged in sexual relations with someone else.

It could be in the form of a one-night stand or a months-long love affair. A dissatisfied partner could slowly fall in love with someone and get physical in a moment of weakness, or they could impulsively hook up with a stranger they met at a bar or party. 

Over 80 million people have joined the affair dating site Ashley Madison, so the desire to cheat is fairly common.

If your partner sleeps with someone else, it doesn’t necessarily mean they find the other person more attractive than you. It often goes deeper than that and should be discussed before you make any drastic decisions. Remember, honest communication makes or breaks a relationship.

Still, remember that cheating is a choice. While you’re within your rights to forgive or reject a partner who cheated on you, if they’ve been in an extended affair or are a serial cheater, then every single time they cheated, they actively made the choice to betray your trust. Consider whether you really want to stay with a significant other in that situation.

Physical cheating also carries some health risks. Engaging in sexual activities with multiple partners increases a person’s chance of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs). A partner could contact an STI due to infidelity and then pass that disease to you, all with you being none the wiser. 

If you suspect infidelity, you should get tested. There’s no benefit to burying your head in the sand. Go to the doctor and have a conversation. You need to know.

Digital Cheating

Thanks to modern technology like smartphones and dating sites, you don’t even need to meet in person to cheat anymore. Digital cheating involves having inappropriate online interactions, like sexting, sharing nudes, or having intimate conversations on voice or video chat. 

The relationship might start as a common online activity, such as giving likes, commenting on people’s posts, or playing online games. 

However, as in real life, the more you interact with others online, the more personal you get. Eventually, this can turn into emotional cheating or physical cheating. 

Digital cheating can be intoxicating because secret messages can come at all hours on demand. A new fantasy or self-esteem boost could be just an IM away. It’s convenient, and it can feel safer than true vulnerable intimacy in the bedroom.

Even if your cheating partner never meets the object of their internet intimacy — or they’re messaging an AI bot — it can still really sting to find out they’ve fallen for someone on a message board or roleplaying game.

Cheating is in the eye of the beholder. Some cultures don’t place much judgment on a cheating husband or mistress. 

Americans were willing to impeach a sitting President for lying about his infidelity. Meanwhile the King of England married his mistress, and they live together in Buckingham Palace. 

Depending on who you are and how you were raised, your attitudes toward cheating can vary.

Societal Norms

Different cultures view cheating in different ways, depending on their societal norms. 

For example, people who grew up in a traditional community in South America see fidelity in marriage as sacred. If you get caught cheating on your partner, it’s not just about a breach of trust between two people. Cheating has social consequences, such as loss of reputation, lost honor, strained family relationships, and isolation from the religious community.

In other words, when one person cheats, it becomes everyone’s problem.

How about the United States? The U.S. is among the countries that are least accepting of cheating. The stats show that more than 80% of Americans classify affairs as “morally unacceptable.”

Despite this attitude, however, Americans treat cheating as more of a personal problem. Even parents and close friends won’t get involved too much unless asked to intervene. Couples are expected to settle their infidelity problem privately.

Couples can decide to give their relationship another try, get marriage counseling, or get a divorce. Divorce may seem like the easy way out, but it has its difficulties. A divorce can be costly, with legal fees, alimony, and the financial burden of maintaining separate households.

As for social pressure, friends and family might judge the cheater and distance themselves. Still, in our modern world, where people live independently, and starting fresh is as easy as moving to a new state, people might not care about these repercussions. 

Individual Boundaries

Every couple has the right to define what cheating means in their relationship.

Some people classify maintaining close contact with an ex as crossing a line. Others think there’s nothing wrong with staying friends with exes or having close female friends – as long as they don’t sleep together.

This conversation is vital to having a healthy relationship. You need to find common ground, clear up any potential misunderstandings, and make sure both parties feel protected. 

Some couples have practices in place to show trust and open their lives to each other.

Here are some simple examples:

• Share each other’s social media and phone passwords.
• Let your partner read chats from certain people.
• Introduce your friends to your partner and include them in group activities.

Setting boundaries in a relationship is important because it makes the expectations clear. 

If the relationship is too permissive or unclear, you’re asking for trouble. If it’s too strict, you may feel trapped. 

Every couple starts their relationship hoping to live happily ever after. But the road to ever after can get bumpy. These factors can push a person to cheat, even if they were once happy in their relationship.

Lack of Communication

The foundation of any relationship is communication. This is about more than sharing stories; it’s about listening to your partner. Many cases of infidelity start from small things, such as someone feeling unseen or unheard.

Asking, “How was your day?” when you come home from work can be helpful. Be genuine when you ask a question though. Put your phone down, and give your partner full attention. 

Something that helps the communication between partners is understanding each other’s world. If your partner is an engineer, take an interest in their work and get to know their coworkers. If your partner is a performer, attend their shows and ask them about what goes on behind the scenes.

If you do this, you can ask better questions or offer more than “Sure,” or “I see” responses. Your partner will soon realize that you’re putting effort into the relationship, which will make a deep impression.

Emotional Needs

In a committed relationship, both partners pledge their love and loyalty. But loving someone is one thing; making someone feel loved is another story. 

If you want a healthy, loving relationship, you must express your feelings.

Yes, you can go on date nights, buy gifts, or enjoy romantic getaways together. Those are special moments that strengthen your emotional connection as a couple. However, a real relationship isn’t about grand gestures or occasional treats. No amount of flowers can make up for a neglectful or callous partner.

Simple questions like, “Is there anything on your mind that you’d like to talk about?” can make your partner feel seen and heard.

When your partner does something you like, tell them that you appreciate it. “I like it when you hug me” you might say. Or maybe, “This meal you made is delicious. I’m very lucky.”

Such little moments can make a big difference in your relationship satisfaction.

Without consistent validation, a married person might feel neglected. They may see their partner every day but feel all alone.

This can mark the beginning of a wandering eye and restless heart.

Faithfulness to a partner is part of being an adult in a healthy relationship. Not everyone is cut out for that. Unfortunately, if your partner is a toxic person who will cheat no matter what you do, then it’s time to find a new partner.

Opportunity and Temptation

When it comes to cheating, some people focus on external factors: they want to know who, when, and where. They check their partner’s phone, hire a private investigator, ask for hours-long video calls when their partner is out of town, or get angry when their partner even glances at a hottie in public.

Jealousy is like a fire. A little spark can protect the relationship, but too much can burn it down. Nobody enjoys being treated like a suspect. Elvis once crooned, “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds,” And he had a point! 

External factors do offer opportunity and temptation to cheat. There’s always a sexy neighbor or an attractive secretary. You can’t do anything about that. All you can do is honor your commitment, do your best to create a happy relationship, and trust your partner.

No matter what cheaters might say when they get caught, cheating doesn’t “just happen.” It’s a conscious choice. Usually, it starts with unaddressed dissatisfaction that leads one partner to seek validation outside the relationship.

If you see red flags in the relationship, you can address potential issues before they get out of control. Here are some signs that a partner might be  cheating or considering cheating, if they’re not already:

• Sudden changes in behavior
• More secretive, mysterious, and overly defensive moods
• Acting emotionally distant
• Spending less time with your partner
• Unexplained expenses or unusual transactions on bank statements
• Long hours, late nights away

Some mistrustful partners have a cheating spouse tracker app to spy on texts and online activity. However, open and honest communication is the best way to resolve issues. If you want to check your partner’s phone, do it in front of them and with their permission. 

Don’t try to match a boundary violation with another, more flagrant boundary violation. If you’re wrong about the cheating, you just torpedoed a perfectly good relationship.

A cheater may feel a thrill when they cross the line. That kiss or that sexual tryst can be exciting in the moment. They may feel as if the momentary lapse will stay secret and small, but it can have big consequences over the long run.

Consequences of Cheating

After infidelity poisons a relationship, the emotional fallout can be devastating for both parties. We always assume that the one who hurts the most is the victim. The pain of betrayal can make it hard to eat, sleep, or focus on daily activities.

However, cheaters also experience intense emotions, including guilt and shame. The affair or transgressions can hang over their head as a monumental mistake. 

What’s worse, unlike their partner, cheaters are not likely to get any sympathy from friends or family. Is it karma? Maybe, but that doesn’t change the fact that it seriously hurts.

Professional help can be a good option for navigating this situation. Therapy sessions with a marriage counselor can provide a safe space for couples to express their feelings and uncover the root causes of infidelity.

Couples can also attend workshops or read books about healthy relationships. They can learn new ways to treat each other so they both feel more comfortable in their relationship.

Rebuilding Trust

Some couples decide to give the relationship another shot after infidelity. In this case, rebuilding trust after cheating is one of the most challenging things you can do. It’s a long journey that requires time, commitment, and a willingness to change. 

Here are some things you must discuss with your partner:

• What actions or thoughts constitute cheating?
• How do emotional boundaries apply in the relationship?
• How should both parties act toward potential crushes?
• Do you have sex regularly? 
• Does your sexual intimacy meet your expectations or do you need more variety?

Rebuilding trust is more than sharing passwords and checking locations when your partner comes home late or is out of town. It’s about building a happy relationship. When both parties are happy, they won’t seek comfort with someone other than their partner.

Cheating is a deeply painful experience that can leave lasting scars on both partners. Whether you choose to rebuild your relationship or move on, the healing process will take time. Trust cannot be rebuilt overnight.

What matters most is using the situation as a guide for your next steps. The most eye-opening question is: What are you looking for in a relationship?

Focus on what you want in your current relationship. If you don’t get it, perhaps it’s time to break up and try again elsewhere.