Your Guide to Perfecting Online Dating Chat Etiquette 

Consider this not-so-hypothetical scenario: You’re browsing on a dating app and come across someone who seems perfect. Their profile features stunning photos, interesting hobbies, and a witty bio that makes you smile. You swipe right and — yay! It’s a match. 

When the initial excitement subsides, fear sets in. What now? What is the proper etiquette for messaging online? Should I message them first? Should I wait for them to message me? What do I even say to capture the attention of this mega-hottie? 

I can relate to the feeling of wanting to connect with a match but not knowing what to say or how to say it. This guide will discuss the ins and outs of online chatting, including how to chat up a sexy single. 

The Basics | Advantages & Disadvantages | Features | Safety Considerations | Tips for Success

A text-based chat is usually the first interaction with a potential partner in online dating. While it may seem like text-based messaging is only for casual conversation, quite the opposite is true. Online chatting is a possible avenue for real feelings to develop.

A survey of 2,000 dating app users found that 75% said they believe it’s possible to fall in love through online chat alone. 

First Impressions 

The first message can make or break a connection. A 2021 analysis revealed that 57% of first messages on Tinder go unanswered. To improve your odds of receiving a response: 

Mention Something from Their Profile: This shows genuine interest. We previously reported that messages that include “You mention” are more likely to get a response.

You may want to compliment your crush’s taste in music or movies, as “good taste” has been shown to have a high response rate on OkCupid. It’s never a bad move to talk about the other person’s hobbies or interests. Addressing specific interests and asking pointed questions are great ways to start a conversation with an online match. 

Avoid Poor Grammar/Spelling: No matter how attractive you are, spelling and grammar mistakes can turn people off and lead them to swipe left. A stubborn 68% of people say they have swiped left on someone they thought was hot due to poor grammar in their profile.

Misspelled and shortened words have been shown to decrease the likelihood of a response. Using “ur” lowers the chance of a response from 32% (the average response rate in this analysis) to about 7%. 

Avoid Physical Compliments: You might think the person you matched with is the sexiest human you’ve ever seen, but avoid telling them that in the first message. Messages containing words like “hot” and “sexy” get significantly fewer responses. It’s better to keep it non-physical at first. 

Complimenting a match’s looks in the first message is more likely to result in being ignored or perhaps even blocked. 

Response Time & Building Trust  

You might be super excited to message a new match, but you’re worried about coming off too strong. We’ve got good news for you – most people appreciate quick responses and see fast replies as a good thing. Consistent, timely replies build trust and indicate genuine interest.

Aim for a response time of one to three hours. Waiting more than one day may signal you’re not actually interested. 

Response time doesn’t just matter for the first message. Any time you’re online chatting, responding within a few hours rather than waiting days to message back is good. Showing you’re a reliable communicator is one of the first steps in building rapport when online dating. 

Sending text-based instant messages can be a great way to start a conversation, and it certainly has advantages compared to other forms of communication, but there are also some downsides. 

Advantages

Let’s talk about the good things you can expect from your online dating chat window.

• Convenience: Differing work schedules or time zones? No problem. You can send and respond to chats anytime. Schedules won’t prevent you from getting to know each other. 
• Low Pressure: Text-based communication provides a low-pressure way to get to know someone before meeting in person. This advantage may be particularly attractive to more introverted people. 
• Time to Think: Unlike live interactions, instant messaging allows more time to craft thoughtful responses. Thus, it can facilitate greater expressions of interest and empathy. 
• Building Rapport: Regular, casual communication through online chatting builds rapport with potential partners, showing them you’re a reliable communicator. 

Disadvantages

Real talk: Online dating is hard, and online chatting has some pitfalls that can trip people up.

• Potential for Idealization: We tend to idealize potential romantic partners when instant messaging, which can lead to disappointment when meeting in person. One way to mitigate this is to video chat with a prospective partner before an in-person meeting to gain a more realistic view of your compatibility. 
• Slow Response Times: Because both parties can respond at their leisure, text-based conversations progress more slowly than real-time ones, which means it can take longer to determine compatibility. 
• Lack of Non-Verbal Cues: Body language and facial expressions are absent in text-based communication, which can result in misunderstandings. It might be necessary to ask clarifying questions to ensure a message is accurately received as the sender intended.  

When chatting with potential partners online, you’re not limited to one type of communication. Digital communication methods span the gamut from instant messaging to video chatting to chat rooms. 

Instant Messaging 

This form of text-based communication allows for the greatest flexibility, and it’s typically the first form of communication in online dating. 

As we’ve discussed, instant messaging can help build a connection, but there are downsides to relying on text-based messaging as the sole method of communication with a potential partner. 

Video Chat 

Several dating apps have added a video chat option. This approach typically requires both parties to be online, so we recommend instant messaging first to set up a time to video chat. 

As we mentioned, video chatting has been shown to offer a more realistic view of potential partners. Online daters can use video dates to avoid disappointment during the first in-person meetup. 

Chat Rooms 

If chatting right away is your goal, you should explore chat rooms. Chat rooms allow for live interaction, and many sites have specific chat rooms sorted by non-sexual and sexual interests, such as sports chat or sexual role-playing. 

You can also join video-based chat rooms, where you can video chat with other singles or remain an anonymous observer. 

Paid Features 

While the free dating apps and websites are great, joining a paid site or upgrading to a paid tier on a free site might be worth it. Some paid features include the ability to send a message to someone before you match and see who liked your profile. 

Our experts typically rank Match high up there in terms of value for money because it provides some free messaging between compatible people (aka Top Picks) while maintaining paid subscriptions for those who want to dig deeper.

According to a Pew Research survey, 41% of men and 29% of women say they have used paid online dating platforms or have paid for extra features, and they’re more likely to rate their online dating experiences as “very positive.”  If you’re serious about turning your chats into real-life dates, then paying $20 for a subscription may be worth it to you. If you’re just curious and looking for laughs, a free membership works well enough.

With all the good that can come from online chatting, there are some drawbacks. Knowing the safety precautions you should take when chatting with potential matches is important. 

Ghosting & Rejection 

Ghosting — or suddenly cutting off communication with a romantic partner without explanation — has become almost a universal experience for online dating. According to a Forbes survey, 76% of respondents said they have ghosted or been ghosted, and the rates are similar for women and men. 

Many reasons people ghost have nothing to do with the other person. When surveyed, 29% of men and 20% of women reported ghosting someone because they didn’t think the other person was that interested. Often, the reason for ghosting boils down to personal hardships or life’s distractions. 

Being ghosted in online dating can lead to feelings of rejection. It’s important to remember that rejection in dating is often not personal.

There are many reasons people ghost, and many have nothing to do with the person who got ghosted, such as going through a hard time at work. 

Romance Scams & Catfish 

Online dating is not immune to scammers. Scams initiated on online dating websites and apps are known as romance scams. 

Romance scams typically start with a dating profile that seems too good to be true. He’s an anesthesiologist who looks like a model and is also in the armed forces. Mhm. Yeah, right.

If you fall for the initial bait and match with a fake profile, the scammer then chats you up, using various tactics to gain your personal information. 

Their motivation is financial gain, so they’ll tell you a sob story to convince you to send money. Or they’ll send you a link to malware disguised as their social media profile. The malware then tries to steal your personal information. 

In addition to scammers, you have to be on the lookout for catfish. We previously reported that 10% of profiles on free dating websites are fake, so you’ll likely see catfishing profiles when you’re swiping.

Stay alert for signs of fake profiles, and be careful about what information you reveal to anyone online. 

Online Harassment 

Both men and women have reported feeling unsafe while using dating apps. Some have been contacted by alternate means (such as their social media profile) after they expressed they weren’t interested in a match. 

Cyberstalking is more likely to happen to women (60%) than men (27%). Women are also more likely than men to be the recipient of unwanted sexting. This may come in the form of unsolicited sexual messages or photos, commonly referred to as “dick pics.” 

“He tried asking if we can date, i said no, he asked again, i said no, he asked again, i said no, he asked why, over and over.” — Reddit post from a gamer girl

If you’re the victim of online harassment, block and report the person without hesitation. Remember that you owe the perpetrator nothing and do not have to respond to their messages. 

To avoid being contacted after you’ve ended things with a match, we recommend not connecting your social media profiles to your dating apps and only sharing your social media information when you feel comfortable with a new person.

Now that you know the different forms of digital communication in the online dating world, here are our tips for successful chats with prospective partners. 

Ask Good Questions

Research has shown that asking questions leads to more likability. Potential dates want to know you took the time to learn something about them before sending a message.

After asking a probing question about something on their profile, it helps to ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation going. This shows you’re listening to what they have to say, and you want to know more. 

Focus on how the other person responds. If you’re the only one asking questions and the other person isn’t showing similar interest, it can be a red flag that they aren’t a good match for you. 

Balance Enthusiasm & Restraint 

When chatting with potential matches, you want to come off as interested – but not overly eager. A thoughtful first message showing you paid attention to their profile conveys an appropriate amount of enthusiasm. 

If the person doesn’t respond or makes no effort to keep the conversation going, the best thing you can do is to practice restraint rather than continue to pursue things further. Don’t send 20 messages asking why they’re not responding – just cut your losses and focus on finding someone who shows the interest you deserve. 

Use Emojis, GIFs & Photos to Stand Out 

Sending only an emoji or GIF as the first message is not a good idea, as this type of first message comes across as lazy. 

Once you’ve sent a few messages, though, these tools can be a way to express yourself and show your sense of humor. 

Playful emojis — e.g., a skull to denote a good joke — can be an excellent way to show personality in online chatting. A funny GIF can also be memorable and engaging. 

That said, some emojis (such as any containing red hearts) should be avoided before the first date, as this comes across as love-bombing. 

Sending photos can allow for greater intimacy in online chatting. Still, it’s important to follow safety precautions, such as only sending screenshots of the original image, to avoid the receiver accessing photo metadata (particularly your location). 

Be Funny 

Funny people tend to have creative intelligence and self-confidence, so it’s no wonder we like it when people make us laugh in private chats. Don’t be afraid to show your sense of humor when messaging online. 

Even more so than being witty, it’s important to be authentically yourself when chatting. After all, you’re likely hoping to form a relationship with your chat buddy. You want them to be attracted to the real you, not just a facade you created to appear more interesting or likable. 

If they’re the right match, they’ll stick around when you show them the real you. 

Stay Positive 

It’s easy to feel discouraged when online dating, especially if you’ve been ghosted or encountered fake profiles, but know you’re not alone. 

In one survey, 45% of online daters reported feeling frustrated in pursuing a relationship. Persistence is key here. If you stick with it, you’ll likely find a good match. 

Online dating is only growing in popularity, with more singles going online for dating than ever before. That means you’re more likely to match with someone who is looking for the same things you are. You just need to stay positive and don’t give up. 

If marriage is your goal, online dating may connect you with your future spouse. The wedding website The Knot reports that 30% of married couples said they met their current spouse online. 

According to app data, there has been a steady increase in global users on online dating platforms since 2015, so your future partner could be waiting for you online. 

Don’t Chat Forever — Ask Them Out! 

How long should you chat before asking to meet up in real life? A survey of online daters found that 34% said they would be comfortable meeting up after just two to six days of online chatting, and another 34% said they would like to meet up after one to two weeks. 

So, if you’ve been chatting for a few days or weeks and you’re getting good vibes, what are you waiting for? Ask them out! 

With more singles than ever before going online in pursuit of love and sex, learning to communicate with potential partners effectively and building rapport through online messaging are essential skills.  

Regardless of what form of communication you use to connect with a potential partner, the most important thing is always to be respectful and stay true to your authentic self. 

All of us dating online are searching for the same thing – real, genuine human connection. 

Now go type that first message and hit the send button with confidence. You’ve got this!