What Are Common Red Flags While Dating Someone?

In the dating scene, a red flag is a warning sign that the person you’re seeing may not be the best partner for a relationship. In fact, they could be downright toxic. Some red flags are personal and can change depending on preference. 

For example, I’d be pretty turned off if I went on a date with someone who was rude to the waitstaff, but that behavior wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for everyone.

A red flag is a troubling sign that a person may be toxic, unstable, or even dangerous.

However, protecting yourself is important, and some major red flags should be concerning for everyone, no matter their preferences. 

Staying vigilant while using dating apps can spare you from being catfished or scammed. After you meet in person, seeing the red flags in a person’s everyday behavior can help you avoid a potentially abusive relationship or move on from a situation that’s just not what you’re looking for.

Online Dating | Relationships | Toxic Behaviors | Social | Financial | Dating History

Dating apps present an opportunity to screen for red flags. Every bio and profile picture is a clue to who the person behind the screen really is. The virtual interactions keep you and potential partners at a safe distance, but it’s important to be mindful of certain warning signs so that you can remain safe. 

1. No Profile Picture

Steer clear of black screens on Tinder or blank profile pictures on Instagram. The people behind these profiles might be quick to offer explanations, but you should still proceed with caution. It’s easy to take a quick selfie for a dating profile, and wanting to hide one’s dating life is a red flag in itself.

There’s a good chance they’re actually older or younger than the stated age on their profile or have a completely different name and location than displayed. 

If an online match doesn’t share updated photos and refuses to hop on a video call with you, you should assume that they’re hiding their face so you don’t realize they aren’t who they say they are. 

2. Moving Too Fast

Be wary of anyone who immediately tries to move the conversation off the app. Ask yourself why they are so eager to chat on WhatsApp or Yahoo Messenger. They may want to obtain personal information or to communicate on a platform where abuses won’t be linked to their dating profile.

Similarly, you should exercise caution about emotionally moving too fast on the apps (or in general, for that matter). Anyone who begins love-bombing you with praise about how you’re the one or sending you plane tickets to visit them before you’ve even gotten off the app may have ulterior motives. 

3. Asking for Money

A match who asks you for money isn’t a real match; they’re either a bot designed to spread malware, a scammer trying to phish for personal information, or a sex worker trying to promote their services and online presence. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with sex work, solicitation from online matches is inappropriate and a situation you should avoid.

No matter what, do not provide information like the name of your bank or the usernames of your money transfer apps, like Venmo or CashApp. 

Protect your safety, and recognize that this red flag indicates you’re being targeted. Your match’s intention is to steal your money or identity.

4. Refusing to Meet in Person

Refusing to meet in person shows that your match wants to keep their online anonymity. They aren’t interested in true intimacy and building a real relationship. And they may not be who they claim to be.

A catfish or scammer will never want to meet for fear of revealing that their identity doesn’t match the persona they’ve presented. Tread carefully because they may be gearing up to ask for money and carry out a romance scam.

According to the FBI, these scams occur when a criminal adopts a fake online identity to gain a victim’s affection and trust. The scammers may claim to work outside the U.S. due to being in the construction industry, investment banking, or the military. Such an excuse helps them avoid meeting in person while allowing them to ask for money to aid with “medical emergencies” or “legal fees.” 

You can observe several of the following red flags during virtual interactions, but they’re easy to spot in person as well. 

If you’re on a first date or in the early stages of a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors, watch out — you’re seeing concerning red flags that betray a lack of emotional maturity.

1. Excessive Jealousy & Possessiveness

There’s nothing worse than having a friend whose partner takes issue with them spending time with friends. I’ve been in the room before to see now-exes of my friends express rage at the thought of having a night on the town with the girls. 

Comments like these may seem endearing at first. It’s flattering to think that your partner wants to spend all your waking moments together. Knowing that someone wants you all to themselves can even feel like being protected. 

However, this sort of possessiveness is far from helpful and can quickly turn ugly. The partner can take control of your social life, isolating you from friends, family, and hobbies. 

Reddit users agree. A user asked in a post on r/Dating_Advice whether “jealousy and possessiveness is a red flag” in a man she is seeing. Throughout the post, he cuts contact after she tells a story about a male coworker and becomes cold during her interactions with platonic male friends. 

The comments claimed that these are red flags of immaturity. Although a little jealousy is natural, and a heterosexual man might not want his girlfriend to develop close relationships with other men, his cold shoulder, inability to speak directly to her about the nature of the relationship, and insistence on jumping to conclusions show a struggle to communicate in a healthy manner.

2. Lack of Respect for Boundaries

Not respecting your boundaries can take many forms. From pushing you sexually to do things you’re not comfortable with to encroaching on limits you have regarding time spent together, disrespect of boundaries is a huge red flag with bad implications for the future. 

“I told him I wanted to take things slower, twice. At one point, I actually took his hands off of me and held them on the bed and said ‘stopppp.'” — an anonymous woman on Reddit

One OkCupid user shared a boundary-crossing experience on Reddit and asked other users if there were red flags. In her story, a partner repeatedly disrespects her sexual boundaries by continuing with contact even as she verbally requests to go slower. 

Redditors responded that she was not wrong to feel disrespected and that his behavior was indeed a red flag. 

3. Frequent Mood Swings

A partner who swings from mood to mood without making the effort to ground themselves doesn’t care about the harm their outbreaks cause. Their behavior shows they may lack empathy toward your emotional state. 

Emotional regulation is a skill that is developed over many years. Failing to practice it in heated moments is a red flag that the person puts little effort into something that can have a deep impact on others. 

It’s also important to note that frequent mood swings can sometimes be symptomatic of battles with mental illness. If you or your partner feel there may be underlying struggles, help is available to process how and why they react to certain triggers.

Check out Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist tool to locate a provider in your area.

Run fast if you start to notice a lot of concerning or toxic behavior. Lying and communicating unreliably are sure signs that you don’t want to be dealing with this person. It doesn’t matter when it happens — it’s never too late to get out of a situation that could go south.

1. Controlling Behavior

Every relationship has reasonable boundaries, such as what hours it’s appropriate and safe for each other to be out. However, some controlling behaviors go far beyond what is healthy and simply exist to limit a partner’s freedom. 

These can include but are not limited to, monitoring your personal devices and social media, dictating your attendance at social functions and your freedom to communicate with certain people, and even requiring permission to wear specific articles of clothing.

For example, on the r/Relationship_Advice Reddit, a woman shared that her boyfriend controlled what she wore and criticized her platonic interactions with men to the point that she stopped using social media and lost friends. One commenter observed that he was displaying classic red flags of being a “control freak” by cutting her off from her friends and monitoring what she put on her own body.

Remember that you are your own person. While there are some boundaries in a relationship that you and your partner should set, you need to recognize when they go beyond that.

2. Dishonesty & Lying

Dishonesty comes in different forms, each with varying levels of significance. White lies can be red flags depending on frequency and subject matter. 

How often are they lying? What types of issues do they lie about? And what can you infer from that? A partner who lies often about their personal life, for instance, might be displaying red flags of insecurity.

Major fabrications are an even bigger cause for concern. If a lie about a partner’s occupation would mean they have a different title than they actually do, a major lie would be completely making up where they work.

Big lies like these are red flags that reveal an inconsistency in identity as well as the scary ability to conceal things from you. Relationships are built on trust, and if you can’t trust someone with basic details, it will be extremely difficult to trust them with intimate ones further down the line. 

3. Disappearing & Reappearing

Being ghosted seems to be an unfortunate fact of dating in today’s world. But it has no place in a relationship. Healthy relationships are built on consistency, and sudden changes in communication patterns should scream nothing but red flags to you.

If you decide to inquire about the reasoning behind your partner’s inconsistent communication, you might discover they’re going through significant hardship or working through past traumas. 

While these are certainly valid difficulties, they’re not excuses to cut contact, and a constant pattern of disappearance and reappearance displays an inability to healthily communicate. According to Dr. Carmen Harra, a psychologist and relationship expert, this “disappearing act” is one of the most frequent complaints she hears from clients. She cautions against settling for a partner who is emotionally ignorant or distant.

4. Resistance to Personal Growth

Getting a promotion or reaching a milestone achievement should prompt celebrations and compliments from your partner. People in a healthy relationship will uplift each other. They should want you to grow and become a better version of yourself. 

Should a partner become moody and downplay your major accomplishments, watch out because that could be a red flag of jealousy and insecurity. 

You’re better off dating someone who doesn’t refuse to celebrate you. Competition has no place in a healthy relationship because you win together.

Outside of observations from one-on-one time together, you can learn a lot about a person based on how they interact with others. Watch carefully to see how their friends and family speak about them or treat them — you might stumble upon a few more red flags. 

1. Negative Attitudes Toward Family Members

If they never seem to have anything nice to say about their parents or siblings, it could be a red flag that they are unforgiving or critical. Perhaps they perceive slights and insults in every interaction and always see themselves as the victim. 

Listen to how someone speaks about the people who are closest to them in life. That can help you identify patterns of disrespect early on.

2. Isolation from Social Circle

It’s OK to be socially anxious or have a smaller circle of friends. However, not having any close relationships or friends can be a red flag. It may indicate repeated negative behaviors that caused those relationships to fail. 

Additionally, isolation from a supportive social circle can impact the person’s ability to operate independently. 

You don’t want to date someone who becomes dependent on you. Ideally, a significant other should have their own personal support system. After all, it’s unhealthy to rely on one partner for all needs. 

3. Excessive Criticism

Never having anything nice to say about others indicates more about the person doing the criticizing. According to ChoosingTherapy, excessive critics use put-downs as a means to keep a person’s self-worth low. 

A person who criticizes you or the people around you in this manner is likely concerned with making themselves seem better in comparison — and that’s not the kind of person you want to date.

If you’re interested in a more serious relationship, financial red flags can be hugely important. You don’t want to invest in a future where your partner will drive you both into debt and then depend on you to help them out. Look out for the following signs of money troubles. 

1. Irresponsible Spending

Debt and overspending are a few indicators of financial irresponsibility. For example, credit cards can be great when used correctly, but a history of debt-accruing behavior can quickly snowball for a couple. 

Here are a few good questions to ask yourself:

• Is your partner rotating between several cards when declined?
• Are they borrowing funds from family and friends? 
• Do they frequently forget to pay back the money they borrowed?

Getting in over your head is a red flag for impulse control and an inability to think responsibly about your future together.

2. Lack of Financial Transparency

Keeping quiet about finances might indicate hidden debt, but it can also be a larger red flag indicating secret behaviors they don’t want to show you. 

A lack of financial transparency could mean issues with gambling, shopping addiction, or unstable employment. While you can work to support a partner through these issues, honesty from the get-go remains crucial. 

3. Financial Dependence

Financial dependence is an instant red flag. Though it’s natural for a couple in an established relationship to depend on each other from time to time, a new partner demanding all bills be paid for or displaying reliance on you for basic necessities proves that they’re simply not ready to be in a mature relationship.

Becoming dependent can also throw off the balance in your relationship. If one partner comes in with significant debt and becomes financially dependent on a partner, the power dynamics will undoubtedly be affected, creating ongoing resentment and trust issues.

One of the most dreaded parts of getting to know someone new is the ex-talk. Important red flags can be discovered through these conversations. 

1. Unresolved Feelings for Exes

Being hung up on an ex manifests itself in a number of ways, like talking about them constantly, keeping in close contact, or stalking their socials. But there are more subtle signs as well. Total silence about relationship history and an unexplained reluctance to commit can also indicate a lack of closure. 

If you get a bad feeling from these red flags, talk to your partner about it. Maybe voicing the issue will help resolve things. Maybe they need closure from their past relationship, and you won’t be able to provide what they need.

2. History of Abusive Dating

Maybe you find out from their ex or directly from the source. A history of abuse — emotional or physical — is not something to take lightly. Although people can change, abusive behavior is a huge red flag that this person is unable to cope with emotions or navigate conflict. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of abuse in a relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline has an anonymous helpline and is reachable by phone at 800-799-7233.

3. Frequent Relationship Failures

A partner who claims all their exes are crazy might have had more of a hand in the demise of their relationships than they’ll admit. As you listen to their stories about their exes, try to figure out the repeated patterns at play.

Whether it’s consistent miscommunication, money issues, or gray-area fidelity problems, frequent relationship failures are a red flag.

If you start to notice any red flags, abandon the relationship as early as possible. It doesn’t matter whether you first observe these bad signs on a dating app or a few dates in — it’s never too late to run from a red flag, and your safety and well-being are worth it! After all, wasting precious time with someone who ultimately isn’t right for you isn’t the point of dating.

When you make the choice to step away from things that don’t feel right, you’re helping yourself avoid scams, heartbreak, and toxic relationships. 

Energy spent dealing with someone who disrespects you is much better spent on finding the right red flag-free relationship — one that is healthy and respectful of both partners’ unique needs.