What Is Online Messaging? A Comprehensive Guide for Dating and Relationships

As someone with parents in their 50s, I spend a good amount of time during Thanksgivings, Christmases, and family vacations looking at the happily married couple walking hand in hand in front of me. And I can’t help but think they have no idea how lucky they are. 

Yes, because they found each other, and yes, because they fall more and more in love with each other every day — but also because they didn’t date during the era of online messaging. 

Online messaging is the practice of sending written texts via an online platform.

What must it feel like to have never experienced the anxiety of waiting for a reply when you’ve seen that person was just active on Instagram? How much mental space clears up when you’re not analyzing why someone used two emojis in their last text compared to their usual three? In the famous (or maybe infamous) words of Kanye West: “I guess we’ll never know.” 

Fantasizing about courting in the olden days is ultimately pointless. The internet is here, and it isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Whether it’s texting, sliding into DMs, or shooting your shot on a dating app, online messaging has evolved into a staple component of any modern relationship. 

In this comprehensive guide, I’m serving up all the tips and tools you need to do exactly that. I will dive into the various types of messaging options, key components to optimize your messaging approach, common challenge, and more. Let’s get to it. 

Types of Messaging | Keys to Effective Messaging | Challenges | Tips

A single text has the power to set the tone for a deeper, more meaningful connection, or, on the other hand, send the “coulda-been” relationship to its digital grave, highlighting the importance of understanding the so-called “rules and regulations” of this modern technology. 

Messaging takes on many forms, each offering its own unique flair to the dating dynamics that exist today. From regular ol’ texting to social media DMs to dating app message threads, there are lots of communication mediums to choose from — let alone understand,

Text Messaging

For some context: I got my first cell phone when I was 10 years old. I was the first in my grade to have one, and it had a monthly text limit that would send my modern-day self into a mental spiral. 

Now, if you were to meet someone above the age of 8 without a cell phone, you’d probably consider the possibility that they were a part of some religious cult. Such is the nature of existing in The Digital Age. 

With this species-wide technological integration has come notable advantages and limitations within the dating space. On the one hand, there’s the most obvious pro: convenience. With a few tippy-taps on your screen, you can tell your boo (or potential boo) “Good morning!”, exchange funny House of the Dragon memes, or discuss dinner date plans for later this week. 

On the other hand, text messages are incredibly easy to misconstrue. But we’ll get more into that later.

Instant Messaging Apps

I would be lying if I said that there’s much of a difference between regular texting (as in, through your phone’s data network) and communicating via a messaging platform, such as WhatsApp, Messenger, or Telegram. Both involve sending and receiving digital messages between two or more parties within seconds. 

They also both typically allow you to send these messages in various forms, whether it’s written text with emojis, voice memos, or even video calls. (If you’re anything like me and love a good yap sesh, these last two features are must-haves). 

Social Media Messaging

In the “shooting your shot” and “just starting to cook” stages of your dating relationships, you may spend most of your time sending messages through social media platforms, such as Facebook, Twitter (now called “X”), and Instagram. 

In addition to showcasing a meticulously curated visual collection of your gorgeous, luxurious, fun-filled life, these social media interfaces allow you to correspond with followers and non-followers alike. Sliding into a DM (AKA sending an initial message to a cutie you encounter online) has become a popular way of flirting and, potentially, opening up doors to new relationships. 

Dating Apps Messaging

When it’s not going down in the DMs, it may very well be going down in the dating app message threads (although the latter doesn’t sound as cool). Today’s mainstream dating apps — including Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid — all offer messaging features with which you can send flirty messages to your matches. Whether all of the messaging features are free, however, depends on the app. 

For example, a free Tinder account allows singles to send messages after two singles have matched. But if you want to shoot your shot with a hottie before you’ve matched, you’ll have to pay for Tinder Gold or Tinder Platinum. 

Group Messages

Ahh, group messages. The beast that makes some rejoice, and others want to smash their smartphones into the closest brick wall. This form of digital communication — where more than two people correspond in a digital message thread — is wildly entertaining at best and brain-melting at worst. And this is without romantic relationships in the mix.

If you happen to find yourself in a GC (or “group chat”) with your new boo’s friends or family, you may be confronted with an entirely new set of rules to abide by. Within the context of a family GC, you’ll likely want to communicate in a less casual, more “business professional” manner — at least at the beginning. 

In the context of your partner’s friend GC, it may be more of a no-holds-barred-type situation, where inside jokes, wildly inappropriate memes, and inner-group drama run rampant. 

Either way, you’ll want to pay close attention to how people behave so you can take notes and react accordingly. 

Texting may be just a few taps of the fingers, but that doesn’t mean you should do it without a fair amount of thought and consideration. There are many elements of a texting conversation to consider, especially if you want to use your digital interaction as a tool for nurturing your romantic relationship (which, let’s be honest, you certainly will). 

1. Tone and Style

There’s a Key & Peele sketch that perfectly articulates this struggle of interpreting the tone of a text.

It’s incredibly difficult to articulate your true intent over text message. What may be fun and flirty to you could very well come off as rude or even offensive to someone else, making it important for you to take extra care when typing out what you want to say.

2. Timing and Frequency

The frequency of response to texts or online messages is another vital consideration in the context of dating. Response time can be perceived as an indication of your interest (or lack thereof).

For example, if I take a day to respond to a prospective partner’s message, that either means I’m not feeling it, or I’ve suddenly fallen deathly ill. There really is no in between. 

Granted that my messaging habits won’t be shared by everyone, it’s a general rule of thumb that responding within a few hours of receiving a message is best for a healthy relationship — unless you indicate that you prefer phone calls or FaceTiming instead.

3. Conversation Starters

The way you start conversations will likely change depending on who you’re talking to and how far into your romantic relationship you’ve gotten. More intimacy tends to mean couples use more shorthand and feel comfortable being their full silly selves. But the beginning phases of courtship are usually more restrained.

Initially, you’re still getting to know each other and exploring how well your energies match, so you’ll likely be leaning heavily into the icebreakers and compliments. 

As the fires of romance begin to grow, questions like “Who’s your favorite Harry Potter character?” and “Do you have any pets?” will evolve into more serious questions like “What’s your love language?” and “Do you want kids someday?”

The deeper you get into your connection, the more care you may need to take in crafting your message to ensure intentions are accurately received.

4. Visual Elements

Luckily, as technology has expanded, so have the texting features available to us. We can now use emojis, gifs, and memes to express what our words struggle to, which has been helpful in the fight against the dreaded texting confusion we mentioned earlier. 

Additionally, we can exchange photos and videos (of the cafes we’re sitting at, of our dogs sleeping on the couch, or of things a little less PG) with our love interests, which can serve as a tool for nurturing closeness and connection. 

No technical advancement comes without its pitfalls — such is the yin and yang of life. Miscommunications, ghosting, and getting stuck in pen pal purgatory are among the most notable.

Misinterpretation and Miscommunication

Without verbal cues and body language to go off of, messages are often taken differently than the way they were intended. This can cause a lot of distress or tension between any two people, much less two people in an emotionally heightened romantic context. 

This is why it can be particularly beneficial to use emojis, memes, and gifs in the conversation as tools to help better articulate your point. The wink emoji conveys playfulness, the heart emoji shows caring, and, well, we all know what the eggplant means.

Keep in mind: if you’re on the receiving end of an ambiguous message, you could always reach out and ask for clarification. 

Ghosting

If you’ve never been ghosted by someone, you either haven’t been on the dating apps long enough, or you’re the one doing the ghosting (for shame!) and leaving people hanging. Ghosting — the act of cutting off all communication out of nowhere and with no explanation — is plaguing those in the modern dating world at an alarming rate, and will likely continue to do so as technology continues to stoke people’s desires to hide behind their screens. 

Because this behavior happens abruptly and (seemingly) without cause, the ghosted person is often left feeling extremely confused, hurt, and betrayed. So, allow me to leave you with this: The conversation you’re avoiding may be difficult, but have it anyway. 

Pen Pal Purgatory

If you connected with someone online a month ago and still haven’t met in person, you’ve probably found yourself in Pen Pal Purgatory. This is a tricky place to be in, as the longer you wait to set the first date, the harder it will be to finally make the digital-to-in-person transition. 

Plus, if you’ve made attempts to make plans and they’ve dodged them, it’s fair to assume that this person is avoiding meeting you for a reason. They could be stringing you along, not who they say they are, or a touring pop star (in which case, a steady relationship may be kind of tough). 

To avoid pen pal purgatory, set your intentions to meet early on. If they don’t reciprocate your efforts, it’s best to save yourself the time (and potential heartache) and move on to the next. 

Not only do we have places to go and people to see, but we also (probably) want to foster our budding relationships in healthy ways. This means ensuring we’re making the most of our texting interactions by incorporating best practices, a few of which we’ll touch on here.

1. Build Rapport With Friendly Questions

As with in-person dating interactions, the goal is to learn more about each other and if you’re a good match.

When in doubt, go for questions that don’t end in one-word answers, or “yes” or “no” — such as:

• What’s the most meaningful experience you had this past year?
• What kind of qualities do you value most in a relationship?

I would encourage you to ask thoughtful, friendly, and engaging questions that keep the conversation (and the relationship) moving forward.

2. Respect Boundaries

Respecting boundaries is vital for the success of any relationship. Exactly what those boundaries are will likely become more clear as you get to know the person, but a good rule of thumb is to avoid blowing up their phone, sharing their personal information with others, or sending that “u up?” text at 2am. 

3. Be Authentic

Because screens add a certain level of anonymity to your interactions, it may be tempting to portray a different version of yourself to the person you’re trying to woo. But I highly advise against this, as the truth will ultimately come out — whether it’s today or three months from now. 

Instead of putting on digital airs by being overly polite or showering your texting partner with over-the-top compliments, simply speak to them as your truest, most authentic self.

It doesn’t take more than a good set of eyes to look around and see how digital messaging has been woven into the modern day social fabric. 

Unless you’re like my mom and stepdad (who were blessed to meet before this life-changing transition), you can’t avoid messaging in the dating world. An understanding of the rules of online interactions will be crucial to the success of your relationships — particularly the romantic ones.

But fear not — if you follow my best practices and type with intention, online messaging can be more of a friend than a foe. Perhaps it can even be the glue that holds your loving relationship together. So, don’t fight it. I suggest you hang tight, lean in, and start brushing up on those emojis.