What Is Flirting? The Art of Playful Communication

He’s hot. She’s cute. They’ve got rizz for days. How do you make your interest known? The answer is flirting!

Let’s get straight into it — flirting is a social behavior that communicates romantic interest. It could be body language, words spoken, or written communication. 

Flirting is one of the most effective ways to communicate to someone that you want to start a relationship, go on a date, or have sex. Although it’s a natural and common behavior, there’s a blurry line when it comes to flirting that leaves many people confused. 

Learning what flirting is and how it works can help you stay afloat and alert in the dating scene. In this guide, I will explore personal experiences and professional research to discuss how effective flirting can make a big difference in your love life.

The Basics | The Risks | Tips

Let’s start with the basics. Flirting isn’t rocket science, but it certainly isn’t as clear as day sometimes, either. Flirting requires technique.

First, you need to be your authentic self. It can be tempting (especially online) to put on a façade or pull out some catchy line you probably heard in a movie, but if it’s not part of your true character, people can easily see through that. 

Reading signals and reacting appropriately and authentically will make you better at flirting with just about anyone you encounter. 

Verbal Flirting Examples

Verbal flirting means someone is saying something awfully nice and complimentary…maybe a tad sexually suggestive or romantic. The actual words don’t necessarily have to be a direct indication of romantic interest. Saying, “Hi, my name is Lisa,” may sound like a simple introduction, but with the right tone and charm it can come off as flirting.  

Including someone in a decision or conversation piece is a smooth way to flirt. For example, if you are at a bar, ask your crush: “What should I get for my first round?” 

Or if you’re at a bookstore, try asking, “Do you like this author?” or “I’m looking for a biography. Do you have any recommendations?”

Asking someone for their opinion breaks the ice and is a subtle way to flirt. Be sure to take their advice seriously and give them your opinion in return (especially if it aligns with theirs).

Understanding the role of humor is crucial when verbal flirting. Compliments and making jokes are great ways to flirt and capture someone’s attention. 

Nonverbal Flirtation

Nonverbal flirting isn’t as obvious to detect as verbal flirting. But there are certain signs that you can pick up to know what’s going on. Recent research discovered that nonverbal flirting is the first way people express their attraction.

“We found that as people became more attracted to their conversation partner, they showed that attraction in ways that revealed their flirting style,” said Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas. 

Nonverbal flirting requires the use of body language and eye contact. Long gazes and prolonged eye contact help communicate to others that you see value in what they’re saying. Behavior such as smiling, leaning forward, or playing with your hair are examples of nonverbal flirting. 

Online Flirts

With the rise of online dating apps and sites, single people have more chances to flirt at all hours of the day and night. Some flirts are cheap compliments — “Hey, sexy, have plans tonight?” — while others can signal more long-term interest — “Do you play Quidditch? Because I can tell you’re a keeper.”

Dating apps like Tinder encourage flirtatious conversations via instant messages and video chats. I tend to think that flirting online is easier and less nerve-wracking than flirting in person because you aren’t usually rejected outright – but you do run the risk of being blocked or ghosted if you aren’t vibing.

Flirting online is less personal than flirting in person, and it usually isn’t taken very seriously. Online flirts are less stressful since there’s no pressure and commitment attached to them. Depending on which online platform you’re using, you can send a wink, emoji, gif, or flirty text without feeling tied down. 

It’s important to be mindful of how you talk with your person of interest. Don’t make sexual advances unless the conversation shifts that way –– always make sure it’s all consensual! You can pick up on certain social cues if someone is uninterested or brushing you off.

There’s a thin line between flirting and harassment. Sometimes a flirtation goes too far, is unrequited, and becomes uncomfortable or toxic. Flirting is only OK when it’s accepted and returned. If the other person is not giving you the same energy back, you need to accept that and move on.

Attraction Needs to be Requited

Mutual attraction is the fuel that keeps flirting fun and interesting. If the attraction is only one-sided, things can get pretty awkward fast. Nothing is worse than trying to flirt with someone who is obviously not into you. Don’t be that creep!

You can gauge a prospective partner’s interest level by observing their behavior. Are they turned away from you? Do they avoid eye contact? Are they folding their arms? Look for signals of disinterest and discomfort in their nonverbal and verbal communication. 

If they’re attracted and feeling flirty, a person will send you a boatload of compliments or their body orientation will be more open. 

One of the best ways to find out if someone is attracted to you is simply by asking them upfront. I know being this blunt can be nerve-wracking, but you’ll get a clear response, and that’ll save you time. 

I would suggest opening up the honest conversation with “I find you very attractive, and I was wondering if you felt the same about me?” It takes guts, but you’ll get your answer.

Match the Other Person’s Vibe

Gen Z is all about good vibes, and other generations should follow that creed when navigating flirtatious conversations. Be aware of the vibe being created as you exchange words. Do you feel uplifted by that person? Are they sending you positive vibes?

When you’re flirting with someone, it’s important to meet them where they are in terms of energy and enthusiasm. If they seem guarded, you need to respect their boundaries. Give space for trust and affection to grow.

Do not invade someone’s bubble or try to push your desires forward prematurely. This can come off as aggressive or downright creepy if you ignore their “slow down” signals. If the person you’re interested in is maintaining a certain distance, match their energy until you earn their trust and you both get a little more comfortable with each other.

Know When to Call It Quits

Flirting isn’t always successful, and that’s OK. If the person you’re interested in is ignoring your advances, not responding to your text messages, or just flat-out rejects you, then you need to respect that it’s time to fold the cards. 

There’s nothing wrong with taking the L and trying again with someone who will match your energy. 

Your flirt game is only as good as your read on people. Keep an eye out for the “I’m not into it” vibe. Just because you express interest in someone, that doesn’t mean they will reciprocate it –– rejection happens to the best of us! 

There is a right and wrong way to flirt. Invading someone’s personal space is the wrong way. Holding space for someone to feel comfortable and heard — that’s the right way to do things in the post #MeToo dating scene.

I’ve been in plenty of good, bad, and honestly terribly ugly flirting situations, so I’m going to put down some of the rules and takeaways to help my fellow flirts feel comfortable and in control every step of the way. Keep these practical tips in mind on your next flirting foray.

1. Compliment Personality Traits Instead of Physical Traits

Certain compliments have a way of making someone feel good about themselves. “You are a quiet storm” or “you light up the room” are examples of compliments that speak to a person’s presence and internal qualities.

Cheap physical compliments are not that. When a compliment lacks effort or thought, it will leave you with nothing but rolled eyes and a walkaway. 

I recommend complimenting a personality trait rather than physical appearance. As in, “You’re so funny. I bet you’d be great at stand-up.” Or maybe even “I like your sense of style. Your outfit is on point.” This compliment touches on attractiveness but makes it about the person’s choices and taste.

Compliments should make someone feel seen or heard. Ideally, they’re captivated by your sincerity and impressed at how well you understand them. Use those observation skills. 

After making your compliment to break the ice, ask them questions about their passions, hobbies, and culture so you get to know them past a surface level.

2. Practice to Gain Confidence

Flirting is a skill that can be learned by pretty much anyone with social awareness. Practice in the mirror if you have to. Be comfortable with how to say the right words to introduce yourself. 

You don’t have to be Casanova or Cleopatra to win someone over. You just have to be comfortable enough to be real and express yourself.

Becoming comfortable with flirtatious phrases can make the difference between receiving a yes or a rejection. 

With enough practice, you’ll develop your own flirting style. To gain experience, I suggest you attend social events such as speed dating or parties where you can meet a lot of people. It’s always best to flirt in a group setting first to reduce the nerves. Especially if you’re a beginner, you may not feel comfortable flirting in a one-on-one setting.

During intimate conversations, cultivate a safe space for you and your partner to freely express yourselves. Make the situation fun, give them space to talk about themselves, and practice active listening so you take in everything they say.

3. Keep Good Eye Contact in Person

As I mentioned earlier, eye contact is a way to communicate that you care and are invested in what someone is saying. Lack of eye contact will send the message that you’re not interested or you’re bored. 

Consistent eye contact captures and holds attention in a way that is more powerful than verbal communication. Someone from across the room can make eye contact with you as a way to signal that they’re interested in you. This flirty move can express attraction and start conversations. 

4. Respond Quickly Over Text & Use Emojis 🙂

No one likes to be left on read. That’s not a very flirty vibe. I always tell my friends to avoid trying to play it cool and delaying their responses. It’s only going to insult, unnerve, or frustrate the other person.

Pro tip: You don’t want to unsettle your crush – you want to attract them by being a dependable and positive presence.

By responding in a timely manner and using flirty emojis, you’ll send the right signal that you are interested in continuing the conversation and creating a romantic connection.

And don’t forget that it can be difficult to communicate tone by just texting words, so throw a few friendly emojis in for good measure. A smiley or a heart emoji can add tenderness to the conversation. If you really want to turn up the sexy vibes, you can always whip out the eggplant emoji or bring the peach emoji into play.

5. Keep the Conversation Going With Follow-Up Questions

The best way to keep a flirty conversation flowing is by asking follow-up questions. Some convos die prematurely simply because people stopped asking questions and coming up with things to say.

Allow your partner to talk about themselves and get in-depth by asking open-ended questions. 

Instead of asking biographical questions like, “Where were you born?” ask questions that will better serve the depth of the conversation, such as “What was it like growing up?” or “Who is your biggest role model in life?” These types of get-to-know-you questions will help the conversation flow and give you more insight into the other person’s character. 

Flirting is a fun way to communicate more expressively and romantically in the dating scene. Whether you’re new to the dating scene or in a long-term relationship, a flirty attitude can be a big part of creating the romance you want in your life. 

A lot of times people put pressure on themselves to say “the right thing” or be a consummate flirt. But once you stop overthinking and start being playful, you’ll have a lot more fun attracting potential partners.

As a playful way of expressing your intentions, flirting opens the door to romantic opportunities that can last you a lifetime. You just have to get comfortable with sending that message or making that approach.

As romance author Charlotte Brontë wrote, “Flirting is a woman’s trade, one must keep in practice.” Translation: Keep on flirting, ladies, and see where it takes you!