What Is Active Listening? And How Can It Fix Your Relationship?

I’m coming in hot with a story to start us off. On the way to get tacos, my ex and I once got into an argument about an encounter we had with his friends a few weeks before. Over drinks, these friends had launched into a discussion about someone who had hooked up with “a lot of fat women.” Except it wasn’t just an observation — they were shaming this person for their dating habits, and it came across very fatphobic (because it was). 

I brought this up to my partner to share how I felt those comments were hurtful and surprising, as I found those two friends to be friendly and compassionate people otherwise. My partner instantly became angry, and accused me of insulting the friends who’d made the inappropriate comments. 

Active listening is a relationship skill that involves being observant and seeking to understand another person’s point of view.

Although my partner eventually apologized for his initial reaction and let me know that he understood where I was coming from, the first part of this story is an example of a conversation without active listening. 

Instead of hearing the message I was trying to express, my partner became defensive. He took me pointing out this harmful behavior as me saying his friends were bad people, and, therefore, that he was also a bad person for being associated with them — which wasn’t the case! We all have our biases that we need to unpack.

Had we been engaging in active listening, we could have avoided this argument (and gotten to enjoy our tacos a lot sooner). This is one of several skills that Dr. Susan Heitler, clinical psychologist and contributor to Psychology Today, says is necessary for facilitating effective communication between two people.

“One of the fundamentals in a relationship is collaborative dialogue, which is dependent on listening with your good ear, listening for what makes sense or what you can utilize, and then adding your perspective instead of listening with the bad ear, that is, listening for what’s wrong in what you are hearing,” Dr. Susan tells us.

In this guide, I’ll go deeper into what active listening really is, why it matters in relationships, and how it can be used to navigate disagreements between you and someone you love. Let’s get diving. 

For the skimmers out there, the short definition of active listening is listening with the intent to understand. 

If you’d like to take your level of understanding a little further, take this explanation given by Psychologist Sabrina Romanoff:

Active listening “requires de-centering from one’s fixed position to be fully present with another.”

“It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships as it signals a willingness to sit with the other’s perspective and empathy for their situation instead of singular focus on oneself.” — Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

This tool is far more effective at strengthening bonds than other forms of listening, such as passive or selective listening — the former of which involves a one-sided conversation where one person is often not fully paying attention or providing feedback, while the latter involves responding to one piece of information while ignoring the rest.

The purpose of active listening is simple: to help the speaker feel seen and understood. However, many components go into making this an effective tool in the context of discussions and/or conflicts. The most significant are as follows:

1. Being Present

At the beginning of a yoga class, an instructor may “invite you to arrive on your mat” — which is just a fancy way of saying “Be present so you can get the most out of this experience.” The same idea applies to a conversation you’re in with someone you care about.

The more you can be mentally and emotionally engaged with what’s going on in front of you, the more you will both get out of it. 

2. Non-Verbal Cues

They don’t say “A picture’s worth 1,000 words” for no reason. A person’s body language and facial expressions can reveal so much about how a person is feeling — sometimes even more than verbal language can.

Oh, and don’t forget: eye contact, eye contact, eye contact! 

3. Paraphrasing

Back in my schooldays, I had to paraphrase (or summarize in my own words) chapters from books I was reading in English class. And as much as I dreaded doing it, it worked: By the end, I had a much better understanding of what had actually happened in the chapter, and the message stuck with me until the end.

Applying that skill with your loved one — as in, restating what you’ve gleaned from what they’ve expressed to you — reassures them not only that you’re listening, but that you understand what they’re trying to relay. 

4. Clarification

Speaking of paraphrasing: There will be times when what you understand and what your loved one is attempting to express don’t line up. When this happens, encourage your loved one to provide you with further clarification. 

5. Empathy

Negative emotions like anger, frustration, or defensiveness can get in the way of being able to actively listen and respond. Don’t let that negativity mislead you. Empathetic responses are necessary to healthy relationships.

Active listeners must try to see past their triggers and acknowledge the speaker’s feelings and perspectives. Without this, it can feel impossible to move the conversation forward.

6. Feedback

In addition to regurgitating their words back to them, it’s also helpful to offer thoughtful responses to what they’re sharing with you. This will work wonders at proving your show comprehension and validation of their experience.

You’ve probably got a good sense of this so far, but let’s get a little more specific about the “whys” behind this communication tool.

It’s the small efforts that grow into the big wins in relationships. Here are four overarching benefits you can expect from fine-tuning active listening skills:

Resolving Conflicts Effectively

Couples or friends will often find that what they’re arguing about isn’t always what it may appear to be.

For example, if Person A is always bringing up how much Person B plays video games, and it often turns into a fight, active listening would help the couple realize that their arguments are less about the actual video games and more about the disconnection Person A may be feeling with Person B. Once they realize this, they can more effectively brainstorm solutions on how to reconnect.

Enhancing Communication

Building on the previous point, people who engage in active listening often find that this kind of approach creates a safer space for calm and rational conversations — especially ones that are focused on finding solutions rather than finding someone to blame. 

Supporting Each Other’s Needs

As noted in the example with Person A and Person B, the couple could use active listening to uncover unspoken needs — whether emotional, physical, or psychological — and work together to address them.

Greater Relationship Satisfaction

When both people in a friendship or partnership feel validated and understood, it paves the way for an authentic connection built on intimacy, trust, and respect — all of which are necessary for the long-term success of such relationships.

It’s not surprising that couples who practice good communication skills, including active listening, are more satisfied with the relationship overall.

If active listening were so easy, we’d probably already all be doing it. Continue reading to find four of the biggest roadblocks standing between us and active listening like it’s our gosh dang job.

Distractions

C’mon. You knew I couldn’t get through this article without mentioning the impact that technology has had on relationships. While laptops, phones, and computers have, in ways, helped many of us feel connected to the rest of humanity, they can also detract from our ability to stay present with the people right in front of us — including during important conversations.

Emotional Reactivity

Even the most emotionally evolved among us find it difficult not to react defensively, hurt, or aggravated when conflict arises within relationships. We’re only humans, after all.

However, responding impulsively to this emotion could make you say something you don’t mean, and push the person you’re conversing with even farther away from you.

Judgment or Assumptions

You know what they say: “Assuming makes an a** out of you and me.” And it couldn’t be more true! Listening to your loved one with an assumption or judgment about what they may be about to say will only serve as a barrier between you and being able to truly understand their authentic message.

Lack of Patience

Uncomfortable discussions are exactly that: uncomfortable. But trying to speed through them to get through the finish line will only prevent you from fully taking in what your loved one is saying. 

Be patient with your partner and don’t interrupt or try to finish their sentences. Even if they’re fumbling or hesitating a lot, you need to wait and give them the chance to put their feelings into words.

Thorough understanding of active listening: acquired. Now, let’s walk through a step-by-step playbook for applying this information to your relationships so you can keep them strong, healthy, and long-lasting.

Step 1: Eliminate Distractions

I already talked about the hazards of distractions like your phone. We all know our devices are, so get rid of them.

Tempting as it may be to dive headfirst into a discussion about finances with an episode of “I Think You Should Leave” playing in the background, it’s not highly recommended. Remove any and all devices or distractions that could take away from your ability to stay present in the conversation.

Step 2: Practice Mindful Listening

Resist the urge to plan your response before the speaker is even done talking, and focus closely on what they’re saying — making sure to take note of tone and body language as well. 

Step 3: Use Paraphrasing and Clarification

Take time to pause, think, and summarize what your partner expressed to you in your own words. (Ask yourself WWMETD: “What Would My English Teacher Do?”). Then, if your version of what was said isn’t lining up with your loved one’s version, follow up with clarifying questions. 

Step 4: Validate Feelings

Make efforts to set your ego aside and acknowledge your partner’s emotions. Statements like “I understand where you’re coming from” and “That must have been really hard for you” can go a long way.

Dr. Susan Heitler recommends that you avoid statements that include “Yes, but,” as this can easily come off as denying or neglecting your loved one’s feelings. Instead, formulate sentences using “Yes, and…,” which can open up the door for both people’s truths to be expressed and heard.

Step 5: Offer Thoughtful Responses

As heightened as the emotions may be, remember that your loved one’s feelings are just as valid as your own. That said, sharing your thoughts in a cool, calm, and collected manner helps to convey the message that you value your partner’s perspective and are interested in coming to a solution together.

Enough with the concepts! Continue reading to find three examples of these steps being put to the test (in scenarios almost all of us can relate to). 

Scenario 1: Handling an Argument About Household Chores 

Joanna has been incredibly busy with work lately and feels so exhausted by the end of the day that doing the dishes (one of her allocated chores) completely slips her mind. Her partner, April, is getting frustrated that she repeatedly has to remind Joanna to wash the dishes, or just ends up doing it herself. 

Here’s a dialogue that shows the two of them navigating the situation using active listening:

April: “Babe, do you have a second to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”

Joanna: “Sure, what’s up?”

April: “I’ve noticed that the dishes haven’t been cleaned all week. Is everything okay?”

Joanna: “Ugh, yeah, I know. Work has been so overwhelming lately, and it has my head all over the place.” 

April: “I can totally understand that. It sounds like work has been taking a lot out of you. Do you feel like maybe we need to switch up our routine so that it’s more manageable for you? Just temporarily?”

Joanna: “I think that would be really helpful, actually. Let’s try something different for this week, then we can check back next week and re-evaluate.”

April: “That sounds good. I’m glad we could come together and find a shared approach.” 

Scenario 2: Supporting a Partner’s Emotional Struggles

Liam and Holly are out to eat for their anniversary. They have a whole romantic evening planned, but Liam’s mind seems to be elsewhere. He’s been repeatedly checking his phone while Holly is speaking. Holly is starting to notice. 

Holly: “Hey sweetie, I see that you’ve been checking your phone a lot since we sat down. Is everything okay?”

Liam: “Oh, yeah, I’m sorry. I just got in an argument with my dad earlier today, and I’m checking to see if he responded to my last text. The whole thing has really put me in a sour mood.”

Holly: “Ah, I see. I’m so sorry that happened. Arguments with parents can be tough, and I can completely see how that can put a damper on your day. Do you wanna talk about it?”

Liam: “Hmm, I don’t think so, honestly.”

Holly: “I totally hear you. And I’m here for you whenever you wanna talk about it. I don’t want to take away from what you’re feeling right now, and I’d really love to be present with you and enjoy this night together. Do you think we could both put our phones away, just for the rest of dinner?”

Liam: “I wanna be here in the moment with you too, babe. I can do that for sure.” 

Scenario 3: Navigating Financial Disagreements

Marco and Andrew are reviewing their monthly budget. Marco has been really looking forward to planning a vacation with Andrew, since they haven’t been able to spend a lot of quality time together since Marco got promoted at work. Andrew is worried about putting away money to pay off his debt from law school. They haven’t been on the same page for several months, and tension is starting to rise. 

Marco: “We’ve been talking about this vacation for the past year and a half. It’s starting to feel like it’s not gonna happen for us anytime soon if we don’t start saving money for it now.”

Andrew: “I hear you, and I know this vacation is something you’re really looking forward to. I’m really looking forward to it, too — it’s been a while since we’ve been able to actually relax together!”

Marco: “Yeah, and it feels really discouraging when so much of our money is going toward paying bills and paying off debt. I just want both of us to have something to look forward to.”

Andrew: “I get that, and I know it’s important to have fun things to plan for. To be honest, the stress of the debt is really weighing on me. The fact that it still hasn’t been paid off makes me super anxious.”

Marco: “I didn’t realize it was affecting you this much. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I don’t want either one of us to be stressed at the end of the day.”

Andrew: “I appreciate you saying that. Is there a way we can find balance? Maybe if we save a bit for both, it’ll feel more manageable. What do you think?”

Marco: “That sounds fair. We can divide it up in a way that makes sense, so we’re chipping away at both goals as we go. Let’s take another look at the numbers!” 

Those of us who have heard the phrase “Communication is key,” won’t be surprised to hear this, but a study conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that “67.5% of marriages in the U.S. end primarily because of communication problems.” Engaging in active listening, according to psychologists like Dr. Susan Heitler and other experts, is one way to combat these communication problems, and even make them stronger.

Through active listening — the act of listening with the intent to understand — couples can navigate disagreements or difficult times with mutual respect, compassion, and understanding, leaving both people in the relationship feeling seen and heard. 

And while technology, knee-jerk reactions, and lack of patience serve as barriers between you and those much-need resolutions, there are steps you and your loved one (whether that’s a romantic partner, friend, or family member) can take to break through those walls.  That way, you can get to the other side happier, more connected, and (hopefully) with a belly full of tacos.