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The Short Version: If you’re neurodivergent, then you understand just how challenging it can be to explain your perspective to others. Benjamin Meyer, a licensed clinical social worker, couples counselor, and fellow neurodivergent individual, told us how couples can overcome communication barriers and sensory issues when one or both people are neurodiverse.
“The other kids just know how to fit in. Why can’t I?” is a thought that probably raced through your mind in middle school. “Why is my best friend mad at me?” “How do I tell my crush I like them?” and “Why did I react that way?” are pretty much staples in the 7th grade mind. And these questions are even harder to answer — and to understand — when you’re neurodivergent.
The word “neurodiverse” didn’t really exist when I was growing up. If it did, it certainly wasn’t discussed in school or on social media the way it is now. You were simply “normal” or “not normal” depending on how well you blended in with the crowd.
In reality, there’s no such thing as “normal.” There’s neurodiverse and neurotypical, but it’s possible that even those terms draw too harsh of a line. We all exist on a spectrum that makes us thrillingly original.
Neurodiversity makes for a uniquely creative and observant mind, but it can also make social cues and communication techniques even harder to identify.
Growing up neurodivergent can be isolating, which is why Licensed Clinical Social Worker and couples therapist, Benjamin Meyer, has focused on helping neurodivergent individuals and couples. He understands firsthand how it feels to “adapt to adulthood” when you’re neurodivergent.
“I realized that there were many issues that were coming up in relationships and many issues about communication,” he told us.
It’s generally accepted that people who have been diagnosed with autism, ADHD, a non-verbal learning disorder, and other types of learning disorders all experience varying forms of neurodiversity. And although it’s common for neurodiverse individuals to have trouble picking up on social cues or emotions, these communication divides can cause deep rifts among couples.
Are you or your S.O. neurodivergent? These days, it’s hard to determine where we all fall on the neurodivergence spectrum without an official diagnosis. Plus, we’re not always taught how to address neurodiversity in our loved ones.
This is why it’s so important to be patient yet proactive with communication issues in your relationship. What looks like everyday communication issues could actually be rooted in a very real neurodivergence for one or both of you.
“There are different ways of understanding and communicating about everyday life and everyday experiences,” Benjamin pointed out. “Understanding each other’s experience is a big part of communication.”
Just because both people in a relationship are neurodiverse doesn’t mean they think in exactly the same ways. “Two neurodivergent people can have a completely different way of processing and understanding the world,” he said. “[They can] have differences that they would not have with a neurotypical person.”
One of the biggest hurdles neurodivergent couples face is in deciphering nonverbal communication, especially in a romantic setting.
Traditional dating is all about flirtation and intimacy, but neurodiverse individuals don’t always respond well to either — not initially, at least. “Sometimes, sensory needs can come up in relationships,” Benjamin reminded us.
Some people, for example, may not be able to tolerate loud, crowded spaces, like restaurants or clubs. Everything from where you go to eat to where you go on vacation can hinge on you or your partner’s sensory needs. Neurodivergent couples might need more time together to fully bond or share intimacy. Other people may need to prioritize alone time.
“One of you may be hypersensitive to sensory input while your partner may be hyposensitive,” Benjamin wrote on his website. Specifically, “kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and intercourse itself can be fraught with challenges.” It’s so important for neurotypical and neurodivergent couples alike to clearly state and understand consent as well as their needs and desires. Only then can they safely enjoy a fun, fulfilling sex life.
On his website, Ben explained how he “helps you work at defining your expectations as a couple [and] work on physical closeness that meets both your needs.”
Yes, neurodiverse couples can enjoy just as exciting and deep a sex life as a neurotypical couple. It just may take more time, and alternate routes, to get there.
Ask any couples therapist, and they’ll probably tell you that good communication is the secret to every successful relationship. Benjamin is no different. “I saw some of these challenges and I really wanted to help young people make the adjustment both in work and social life,” he explained.
Communication isn’t as simple as telling your partner your deepest, darkest secrets, of course. And for neurodiverse couples, communication can be even more difficult to understand.
“A neurotypical person may have a very different communication style than a neurodivergent person.”
When one or more people in a relationship are neurodiverse, bridging the communication gap can be challenging, Benjamin told us. “A neurotypical person may have a very different communication style than a neurodivergent person,” he said. “They may use more nuance and subtlety. A neurodivergent person may need something more literal, more direct.”
Some neurodiverse individuals have trouble picking up on subtle hints, emotional cues, or even sarcasm. “Flirting, speech patterns, tone of voice, eye contact, and body language are all areas that can easily be misunderstood and misinterpreted,” Benjamin pointed out on his website.
Beating around the bush is not always a productive form of communication for neurodiverse individuals. Is it ever?
Neurotypical couples, you can also benefit from being more direct with each other.
Dancing around sensitive topics is understandable, but it only makes addressing the issue more difficult in the long run. As kids, we’re taught that good communication is all about honesty and patience. When you’re uncomfortable about something, you’d better speak up! Conversely, it’s just as important to shut up if the moment calls for it.
If your partner is trying to be vulnerable with you, let them say what they need to say without interrupting them. The ebb and flow of speaking and listening is a skill that some neurodiverse people need to practice.
We’re not always taught to connect good communication with active listening skills, and this can be a particularly abstract concept for neurodiverse individuals. As Benjamin told us, it can take time to bond with someone whose brain works a little differently from yours. The ultimate question, he told us, is this: “How do you create understanding and work together as a team while having those differences?”
A neurotypical couple may be encouraged to sit down and talk for a few minutes per day. A neurodiverse couple could also benefit from this kind of intimacy exercise, but sitting down and talking about one’s feelings could be more difficult for a neurodiverse person. For some, a difference of opinion feels like an insult, flaw, or provocation.
Take the duck/bunny picture, for example. This famous picture, which shows the silhouette of an animal, looks like a duck to some and a bunny to others. “Two people can be looking at the same photo and have different interpretations of what they’re looking at,” he said. “One person sees a bunny, one person sees a duck, and they’re not wrong. It looks like both, depending on how you look at it.”
It’s Good Behavior 101 to treat others the way you want to be treated. Neurotypical and diverse couples alike should keep this in mind when they interact with each other. Both should “be mindful that both perspectives are valid and both can be right. They’re just coming from different places.” Take the time to listen to your partner, and ask yourself whether you’re actually disagreeing, or you’re just looking at an issue from different perspectives.
Benjamin also pointed out the dangers of assumptions. We all fall into this trap from time to time, but neurodiverse individuals in particular should be careful not to assume their partner’s intent. You can’t know how someone thinks or feels until you ask them — and until you listen intently to their answer. If your partner sees a bunny but you see a duck, ask them to share their perspective even further.
“Be mindful that both perspectives are valid and both can be right. They’re just coming from different places.” Benjamin learned this Duck/Bunny intervention from Grace Myhill during Training 101 and Certification 201 at the Neurodiverse Couples Institute.
Since neurodiverse individuals can’t always recognize emotions easily, it may be helpful to break emotions down in a more straightforward way. Benjamin suggested establishing an emotional scale. This is another intervention he picked up from Grace Myhill while at the Neurodiverse Couples Institute. If you’re very upset about something your partner said, tell them you’re experiencing a 5 on the 1-5 emotional power scale. This is shorthand for, “I’m too upset to have a rational discussion right now,” or “What you said upset me, and I want to address it when I calm down.”
With Benjamin’s help, you and your partner can learn ways to address your communication issues that are comfortable for both of you.
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