What Is Consent? Everything You Need to Know

I remember this one time in my early 20s when I was about to enter a huge rager outside of a cooperative house in Berkeley, California. I was an undergrad and very ready to party. Before my friends and I eagerly entered the fray, however, a young student said they had to give us the consent speech.

I was confused. Consent speech? Are you paid for this? Will there be a quiz later? What is consent?

Incorporating reflection, check-ins, and mindfulness in intimacy can be a paradigm shift for people, like me, who grew up without any sex education. Now that I’m older and more experienced, I know that consent, otherwise known as the mutual agreement to engage in sexual activity, lays the groundwork for safety, intimacy, respect, and emotional well-being. 

Let’s break down consent, its surrounding myths, and how to create healthy communication. Scroll on to find out how to have a more empowering, demystified, and exciting dating experience while keeping your boundaries.

Definition | Types of Consent | Factors to Consider | Misconceptions | Advice

Consent isn’t just “no means no.” Consent means giving voluntary, informed, and enthusiastic agreement for any form of physical or emotional intimacy. It should be given repeatedly during the course of a hookup or date, and it can take many forms, depending on the situation. 

Consent requires providing consistent feedback and paying attention to a romantic partner’s boundaries before, during, and after a sexual encounter. Safe sex and true intimacy cannot exist without consent. But it isn’t always easy to understand what constitutes consent.

An agreement of consent includes the following requirements: 

It’s Voluntary

Voluntary consent means that the person who agrees to the act is not forced, pressured, or coerced against their will to partake in said act.

Partners are not guilted if they deny the offer or refuse to participate. Ideally, partners respect their choice and honor their decision. 

Consent means the recipient of the offer agrees that they are fully on board to join that specific sexual or physical act — until they change their mind. Consent can be revoked at any moment, including during the act. Even if someone previously agreed just minutes before.

It’s Mutual

Mutual consent is discussed, agreed upon, and approved by all parties engaged in the act.

This means that just because someone says yes to one form of physical intimacy does not mean that they agree to all forms at all times. They have the right to change their mind at any time.

Continual check-ins are great ways to make sure everyone is comfortable at every step. 

It’s Enthusiastic

Consent isn’t a mumbled, whispered, or breathy “OK.” It’s an enthusiastic, audible affirmation that is clear and can be repeated time and again for assurance and confirmation. 

If you’re unsure that you’re getting a genuine, enthusiastic “yes” from your partner, it’s important to take responsibility and ask for clarification. Don’t assume the sex is consensual just because your partner hasn’t physically resisted or refused sexual contact.

It’s informed

Informed consent means a person knows all the pertinent details they need and nothing is being hidden (age, STD status) that could potentially change their answer. 

According to UC Riverside, “Consent is an unambiguous, affirmative, and conscious decision by each person to engage in mutually agreed-upon sexual activity.”

Informed consent will involve verbal agreements to any caveats, addendums, or quid pro quo involved in the sexual activity.

It’s Specific

Specific consent is a clear and affirmative statement agreeing to participate in an intimate act.

Consent can be revoked at any moment and only pertains to specific acts within that encounter, not all acts under the umbrella of intimacy. Partners need separate consent for separate acts. 

For example, if a partner answers yes when you ask to touch their chest, that doesn’t mean they’ll agree to you touching below their waist. You need to ask permission to get specific consent for each new activity. 

Types of Consent 

Consent is an ongoing process rather than a one-time agreement. Repeated check-ins are necessary to maintain a positive and affirmative sexual experience.

Consent isn’t always prioritized or recognized in the real world, and that can cause terrible, traumatic situations. Just look at the stats. According to statistics, one in three women will be sexually abused throughout their lives in the U.S., while one in four women and one in six men will be sexually assaulted before turning 18 years old.

 1. Verbal Consent

Verbal consent is the gold standard when it comes to healthy sexual encounters. It involves clearly, enthusiastically, and unambiguously stating your desire to engage in a specific activity. 

Verbal consent may include:

• “Yes.”
• “That sounds great.”
• “That feels awesome.”
• “Let’s do that more.”
• “I’d like to . . .”
• “It feels good when you . . .”
• “Would you please . . .”
• “I want to keep doing this.”
• “I’m enjoying this.”

Revocation of consent may include:

• “No.”
• “I’m not comfortable with this.”
• “Can we stop?”
• “I’m not sure…”
• “I don’t like this.”
• “That feels uncomfortable.”
• “Stop.”

A lot of verbal consent can blend seamlessly with bedroom talk, so it’s important to recognize if consent is revoked. 

2. Non-Verbal Consent

Non-verbal consent is not ideal. It can be ambiguous, and a person’s true intentions can be lost in translation. That’s why it’s important to be clear about what you mean and to look for a response that’s direct and clear.

Non-verbal consent can look like:

• A head nod
• A thumbs up
• Pulling someone closer
• Nodding yes
• Making direct eye contact
• Actively touching someone
• Initiating sexual activity

If you’re unsure what a partner means, the safest thing to do is ask for clarification. It’s your responsibility to ask.

Consent can be complicated by a few factors in the dating scene. If someone is intoxicated, for example, then they are unable to give consent. Let’s break down the factors that can impact sexual consent and what that looks like in real-life scenarios.

Impaired Capacity to Consent 

One’s ability to consent to sexual activity depends on one’s mental facilities being unimpaired. If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, their judgment is impaired.

Pay attention to the signs of a partner’s impairment. They may experience a slurring of words, blurred vision, or trouble walking, sitting, or moving. They may become visibly ill or semi-conscious.

Bottom line: An intoxicated person is not in a good mental state where they can be a participant in consensual acts, even if they do say yes. 

Underage

Minors are unable to give consent because they do not have the critical thinking skills or experience of an adult.

Certain laws protect the rights of minors. It is illegal for an adult to engage in sexual acts with children under the age of 18. An adult can be charged with statutory rape for having sexual relations with someone under 18, even if the minor was a willing participant. Minors cannot legally give consent.

State laws can vary and can make exceptions for adults in their early 20s dating a 17-year-old for insurance. These are called Romeo and Juliet laws, though they don’t apply in every state, and have strict requirements for when they come into effect.

Generally speaking, the average age of consent is 18. If there is any doubt that your partner isn’t of consenting age, it’s best not to risk it: Ignorance isn’t a valid defense.

Power Dynamics 

Consent can be misconstrued, forced, or eliminated entirely when a relationship involves imbalanced power dynamics. 

For example, if a person has more money than their partner, they might use their financial power to exert influence and coerce a yes. That could mean promising gifts as in sugar daddy relationships, or it could mean spending cash on a lavish romantic getaway and expecting sex in return. 

A significant age of 20+ years can also skew the power dynamics between a couple, and it may not leave room for consent. The younger person may feel pressured to say yes, even if they don’t feel comfortable, because they want to impress the older person.

Consent is important to discuss, especially when there’s an age difference. It’s vital that both parties are mutually agreeing to partake in a sexual act, no matter the circumstances.

In the workplace, consent is complicated by money and power. It is not appropriate for a boss or supervisor to romantically pursue an employee or contractor. 

Coworkers having sexual relations can sometimes break a contractual agreement at the company that could have legal ramifications or result in loss of employment.

This isn’t just a problem for HR. It raises significant ethical questions if a boss who controls salary or career advancement attempts to form a romantic relationship with an underling. There is no equality in that connection, and consent is obviously compromised.

Consent comes loaded with cultural ideas and myths surrounding the experience. Some people may believe that certain behaviors mean yes.

Some daters worry that talking about consent kills the romantic vibe. The best rebuttal to this idea comes from a Guardian article: “If the mood can be ruined with a question, it probably wasn’t so hot to begin with.”

Myth 1: “No” Can Sometimes Mean “Yes”

No never means yes, unless two people have established code words and roleplaying rules for their playtime. 

While a person may say “no” as a manipulation technique —aka playing hard to get — it shouldn’t be assumed that’s the case in a sexual context. 

No means no, even if you believe their body language says yes. Those “blurred lines” that Robin Thicke was singing about are nothing short of rapey.

If you’re unsure if your romantic partner is saying no or yes, ask for clarity and quit playing games. 

Myth 2: Kissing Back Means Keep Going Further

If a person kisses you back, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to go to the next step. They might agree to that kiss, but that does not permit the initiator to move forward without asking first. 

For example, if a couple is making out and one partner wants to remove a shirt or another clothing item, verbal consent is necessary before going further. A simple “Can I?” as you play with the fabric could be sufficient.

To reiterate, even if a person is physically kissing you back, pull back from the kiss to verbally ask permission for further sexual play.

 Myth 3: Couples Don’t Need to Ask for Consent

Couples who lack healthy communication skills and transparency in their intimacy may sometimes neglect the hallmarks of consent, especially if they’ve been together for a long time. 

Long-term relationships thrive on trust, security, and safety. It’s important to keep things consensual in all cases. Even if a couple has had sex for years, this does not preclude that one partner will want to have sex every single time. Marital rape was once legal in the United States, but those days are gone.

Intimate partner violence occurs when consent and respect don’t have a strong place in the relationship. Sexual assault is more likely to occur from someone who knows the rape victim well. Approximately 10-14% of women are raped by their husbands in the U.S. 

People in long-term relationships still need to seek specific and enthusiastic consent.

Myth 4: Asking for Consent Isn’t Sexy

Asking for consent can be very sexy if the timing is right. It can help romantic partners feel closer when they can be open with one another and state their preferences or boundaries. 

If two people have not yet fostered a sense of trust, honesty, and openness, they might feel as if asking for consent might be awkward. But it’s actually just respectful. Talking about what you want to do or giving permission for what you want done to you can be a great way to create intimacy and spark further sexual exploration. 

Sexual activities are not safe if you’re not communicating your needs and desires and there is nothing sexy about date rape.

Creating a culture of communication that’s clear, direct, and transparent begins with you. While sometimes this can feel scary and difficult, in the end, it’s about protecting your boundaries, your body, and your rights.

Mature partners will not judge you or argue with your boundaries. They’ll learn from your example because you’ve taught them how to treat you. If you’re in a situation where consent is not or has never been a priority, do not put up with it — be a mature sexual partner and start a conversation.

Speak Up

Be open-minded and invite a conversation about consent in the bedroom. Consider your desires, your dealbreakers, and your boundaries. Then ask your partner if they’re interested in sharing theirs.

Some good questions to ask may include:

• “I really want this to be good for you… What do you like?”
• “Does ______(activity) feel good to you?”
• “I’d really like to _____(activity) – Would you be into that?”
• “May I…?”
• “I’d like to… would you like to? If not, what would you like to do?”

Speaking up can feel like an uphill battle sometimes, but effective communication strategies can help couples get on better terms. 

Know Your Rights

Knowing how to protect yourself using the law is a great way to have peace of mind when it comes to consensual or non-consensual situations. If someone violates your verbal or non-verbal “no,” you can find support in places of authority.

If you’ve been taken advantage of and sexually assaulted, you can file a police report. You’ll likely be admitted to the hospital as well for an examination. Rape kits are most effective when done 72 hours after the incident, so time is of the essence.

Not all survivors want or feel ready to seek justice through a criminal case. You might want to start simply by talking to someone who understands. In that case, call a crisis hotline such as the National Sexual Assault Hotline or make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in sexual trauma.

Have Integrity

When it comes to getting consent for sexual or intimate acts, it’s important to balance your personal desires with respect for boundaries. Approaching sexual relationships with care is the mature thing to do, and it is all part of a thriving and healthy sex life. 

Affirmation and mutual agreement can only strengthen a sexual connection. Open dialogues can help with bridging the gap between what you and your partner want in the bedroom.

Read, Learn & Do Better

I encourage you, dear reader, to reflect on what consent looks like for you and to check out some additional resources about the importance of consent in sexual relationships. 

Some resources on consent that you might appreciate: 

• https://care.ucr.edu/education/what-is-consent
• https://dworakpeck.usc.edu/news/6-things-to-do-after-youve-been-sexually-assaulted
• https://rainn.org/about-rainn

The more you know, the better prepared you’ll be for the conversations that matter.

The safest course of action in the bedroom is to assume nothing. Don’t guess, don’t infer, and don’t try to read anyone’s mind. You do not know if your partner wants to do anything intimate or sexual with you — until you ask. 

Even if you feel a vibe. Even if you’ve been dating for a long time. Even if they haven’t said no outright. Always always ask first. Ask continually throughout the intimate experience. Checking in is crucial to keeping the trust intact.