What Is Direct Messaging: From Initial Contact to Offline Interactions

I don’t know if you have heard, but it’s going down in the DMs. Amid the significant cultural changes that have come at the hands of technology, meet-cutes, and blind dates have been replaced with online matching and messaging potential dating partners. 

Instead of buying a stranger a drink, daters now slide into each other’s DMs. Short for “Direct Message,” the DM has emerged as one of the most popular modern methods of shooting your shot, thanks to its simplicity and high accessibility. Using this quick and virtual bid, you can bridge the gap between yourself and people from all over the world with a couple of words and maybe an emoji or two. 

As handy and exciting as they can be, DMs come with their fair share of questions and concerns. I would argue there’s an art to this form of communication, one that should be studied and mastered. This guide is here to help you do exactly that.

Keep reading to embark on a journey of love, laughing-crying-face emojis, and ghosting — one that will leave you feeling more equipped to take on the world of digital flirting by storm. 

Let’s go over DMs’ role in breaking the ice, building banter, and, unfortunately, breaking hearts. Leave your ego at the door and prepare to be educated. 

Whether the person you’re after is halfway across the world or living on your street, using the DM feature on a social media app can be your digital foot in the door to exciting dating opportunities. 

Breaking the Ice

Fun fact: My first boyfriend and I connected over a Twitter DM. You’d assume he hadn’t met me in person before messaging me, right? Wrong. Funnily enough, he sat at the table next to me in science class, and save for one or two times when he’d come over to my lab table to borrow an eyedropper. We had barely interacted at all. 

Evidently, he was shy and felt more comfortable reaching out to me virtually. He sent me a private response to one of my tweets (which featured lyrics from my favorite Chiddy Bang song), and the rest is history.

Sending a DM can bridge the gap between you and your secret crush. Even if you have in-person access to the person, you might feel more confident interacting online at first. 

You could also DM someone you’ve never met or maybe someone you knew years ago. Either way, this first point of contact is meant to break the ice and pave the way for a potential connection. Think of it as the digital equivalent of approaching someone at a coffee shop or a bar.

Giving examples of DMs you could try sending is tricky because they’re typically more effective if they’re tailored to the specific person you’re messaging. Still, I’m going to provide some anyway.

You could go the short-and-sweet route and say something like:

“Hey, cutie” or “Hey, hottie.”

You could shoot for the responsible route and start with:

“I gotta know, are you single?”

The best and easiest option is to respond to one of their Instagram or TikTok stories. Compliment them (if it’s a selfie or pic of them), make a joke (if they shared a video or meme), or just send an emoji (if you’re feeling extra bashful).

As I mentioned, every situation calls for something different, so I can’t give you a definitive answer on what will work for the person you want to get to know. 

What I will do, however, is urge you, implore you not to send a d*ck pic. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, don’t do it. Doing so without first obtaining consent (which you can’t exactly do in an initial message) is sexual harassment. 

Going Beyond Surface Level

The plotlines of DMs can range anywhere from “slow burn” to “0-to-100-real-quick.” You may engage in a series of intermittent interactions that develop a sense of familiarity and closeness over time, or, you could find that sparks fly from the jump and start sexting. 

The pace will depend entirely on you, the person you’re messaging, and how magnetic your chemistry is. 

My boyfriend and I interacted several times on Twitter before he hit the full send and gave me his phone number. From there, we texted rapid-fire for the next 24 hours and quickly had a Chick-fil-A date lined up. We were in high school, give us a break. 

However, this rapid-fire momentum doesn’t always happen in DM exchanges. If your texting buddy is taking a fair bit of time to respond, don’t fret. At least not right away. You can move the conversation from the fire-emoji-sending phase to the deeper, phone-number-exchanging phase, and it doesn’t have to be as complicated as you think. 

All it takes is some thought and effort. Ask questions, reference previous conversation topics or jokes, and show genuine interest in getting to know the person (as long as the person is remotely interested).

As much as rom-coms want us to think otherwise, the spark between two people doesn’t always happen immediately. Luckily, DMs exist as a space where connection, common interests, and good ol’ fashioned banter can develop through frequent or continuous interactions over time. 

The Art of Conversation

I have the same approach to DMs as I do to dating app message threads: If the convo is dry, I’m leaving you on read.

You could be the hottest, most interesting, most hilarious sex god in real life, but if you can’t keep up a conversation over text, you won’t pique my interest long enough for me to find that out for myself. 

What does an engaging discourse look like? Again, this will depend mainly on the person and how well your personalities mix.

Sometimes, you’ll just have to take the L and accept that you’re not a match — and that’s OK. However, I can point out a few good rules of thumb. 

Among the most important ones is finding the delicate balance between relating personal anecdotes and participating in active listening. In other words, remember it’s not all about you. 

Responding to someone’s social media content with messages such as “I’ve been there!” or “I love that band!” can be a great way to establish rapport and connect on common interests. 

If your messages are always about you and what you like instead of showing your potential boo that you want to learn more about them, then those common interests may be all for naught. 

Chime in with open-ended questions, thoughtful insights, and the occasional relevant emoji to keep the conversation engaging and fairly equal.

Inject your personality and sense of humor into the conversation as much as possible. This can be difficult to do for those who are shy or newer to the tech world. My advice is this: Text how you would speak in person. Don’t get caught up in saying the exact right thing or using the perfect punctuation or pickup line. 

Just speak how you normally would and let your true self shine through the messaging. If you’re feeling brave, you could also level up your conversation with a voice message.

Navigating Digital Boundaries 

DMs may look like text threads and walk like text threads, but do not be fooled: They are not text threads.

There is a hazy but very real difference between the two: One involves sending someone a message on a public social media platform, and the other involves corresponding with someone using their personal phone number. 

Be mindful of certain boundaries before you unleash your full flirt over Instagram (or your social platform of choice). 

As I mentioned before, no unsolicited d*ck pics. Or any unsolicited pictures of your body, for that matter — no matter how hot you think you are. If the conversation naturally leads to sexting, then so be it.

But until that happens, remember that you and this person are ultimately strangers (and this person could also have a partner, in which case sending that kind of content would be disrespectful to their relationship). 

Additionally, in the world of digital flirtation, picking up on social cues is a valuable skill. In other words, you will want to know when to take a hint. 

If you’ve sent five messages within the span of a few weeks with no response, they’re not interested. Or, if they’ve got a larger following, your message probably got lost in the haystack. Either way, your love story probably wasn’t meant to be. 

On the other hand, you may find that your crush does respond to your attempts to reach out. If they’re doing so regularly and enthusiastically (i.e., with longer responses, follow-up questions, and engaging content), this may be an indication that they’re interested in taking this dialogue to a deeper level and exploring a potential connection. 

All is fair in love and DMing. Continue reading to take heed of the most notable ways direct messaging can create bumps in the road while dating.

Misinterpretations and Overthinking 

One thing that DMs and texting have in common is the capacity for miscommunications. With a screen and potentially hundreds of miles standing between you and the person you’re hoping to court, it’s easy for misunderstandings to happen. 

“What did they mean when they said, ‘Have fun with your friends tonight’?”

“Are they pissed at me?”

“Were they just insulting me, or was that a joke?”

Your thoughts can run a million miles a minute when you don’t have that person in front of you demonstrating the intent of their words with a cheeky smirk, laugh, or flirty caress of the shoulder. Such is the nature of digital interactions. However, a few tactics can mitigate the risk of miscommunications. The first is to avoid ambiguous language as much as possible. 

For example, messages that include words or phrases like “Sure,” “It’s up to you,” or “Fine” could leave someone feeling confused about how you really feel. If you’re genuinely interested and engaged in the interaction, you could use memes, GIFs, or emojis to show that. 

If you’re unsure how a joke may land, a nice little “jk” or winking emoji at the end could be a smart addition. 

Lastly, you could opt for a voice note instead. They’re the next best thing to a phone call and work wonders for limiting confusion surrounding tone of voice, mood, intentions, and style. 

However, voice notes are more personal than your run-of-the-mill DM, so I would wait a bit for your conversation to cook before going straight for the VM. 

Handling Rejection and Ghosting 

Sending DMs over social media can be an interesting, titillating, and fun experience, but don’t get it twisted: It’s not for the faint of heart. It can be challenging for various reasons — such as lack of interest, the illusion of unlimited options, or sporadic/infrequent app use.

Plus, there is always a chance that your crush won’t respond to you or will leave you on read, especially if this person has the blue check mark. 

It’s natural to take ghosting personally, but we urge you to fight against these intrusive thoughts. 

If you weren’t being creepy, inappropriate, or rude, your moves may get the job done for someone else. In the meantime, keep your head held high, reach out to your support system as needed, and thank the universe for this free practice in rejection therapy. 

Although DMs can be a digital playground to explore potential connections online, they shouldn’t be the final destination. Eventually, the goal is to transition out of the DM world and into the real world, where real-life conversations (and maybe even smooches) can be had. 

Transitioning to Offline Interactions

Assuming your interest in your crush is reciprocated, you’ll want to take your banter offline to advance the relationship.

After you have established some rapport (and I don’t just mean the exchange of a couple of fire emojis), you could ask for their phone number. Say something such as, “Hey, you down to take this convo off the gram?” before offering your phone number. 

From there, you can continue building your chemistry over text and plan an in-person date. 

If you want to take extra precautions, a safe option is to ask for a FaceTime or video call before meeting up. Video dates help minimize your risk of being scammed or catfished and are a chance to feel out the vibes before taking the next step. 

At the end of the day, whether you’re complete strangers, acquaintances, or old friends, treading lightly and making sure one another feels safe and respected will be of the utmost importance as you move forward with your potential love connection. 

Who knows? If you play your cards right, you may very well make the list of couples who got together, thanks to DMs. Success stories include Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner, Dua Lipa and Anwar Hadid, and Sarah Hyland and Wells Adams.  

Long-Term Relationships and DMs 

Sliding into DMs is primarily a single person’s game, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be useful for those in long-term relationships as well. 

In addition to your and your partner’s standard communication methods (texting and phone calls), sending private messages over social media can be yet another way to maintain a sense of closeness.

Respond to your lover’s stories with sweet compliments, inside jokes, or a couple of heart-eye emojis. This will let them know you’re thinking about them and still committed to this connection. 

That said, DMs cannot replace in-person interactions. Face-to-face hangouts provide the deepest bonding experiences, and real dates should be prioritized when possible. For those of you in LDRs, I’m sorry to trigger you.

DMs have barely existed for a decade, yet they’ve transformed the modern dating world. 

What used to be possible only through a coffee shop meet-cute or brave metro stop encounter is now at the tip of your fingers, and countless couples, situationships, and friendships with benefits have emerged. 

These digital pickup attempts can be tricky to navigate and tough on the ego, but there’s no denying that they’ve opened the doors for millions of people to connect. 

Through flirty emojis, engaging questions, and thoughtful dialogues, you and your crush can develop a rapport and explore the possibility of something meaningful developing in the real world if only you keep your heart open (and your d*ck pics in your iPhone library). 

Based on the trajectory of so many other technological innovations born out of the digital era, it’s safe to say that the impact of DMs — and other similar forms of digital communication — will continue to grow and be felt all over the world. 

So strap in, brush up on your flirt game, and start messaging cuties. As Michael Scott (and Wayne Gretzky, I guess) once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”