What Is a Situationship: Defining the New Norm in Hookup Culture

A situationship is like a relationship, but not quite. Situationships are sexual and romantic relationships that are undefined — you’re not officially dating, but you’re engaging in many of the same activities that couples do.

Gen Z has created and popularized the term in an attempt to describe the unique sort of relationships they find themselves in. Situationships are similar to a friends-with-benefits relationship, where people have a sexual relationship but not a committed dating relationship, with an added layer of ambiguity and emotional attachment.

To be honest, I’ve been in more situationships than I have real relationships. That’s dating as a 20-something for ya. The situationships I’ve been in have been diverse. In some of them, we’ve acted like a whole couple while skirting the label of dating. In others, we’re each other’s messy secrets. 

But one thing unites each situation: We were doing the things couples do — but we were not a couple.

In a situationship, you’re not sure what’s up. Are we dating? Are we moving toward something more serious? Are we just f*ck buddies? Situationships aim to keep the answers to these questions unclear to avoid commitment or taking things to the next level.

If you’re seeing someone and not sure where you stand, you could be in a situationship. These are the common characteristics of situationships, along with the ways they come to be and how they differ from serious, committed relationships.

Characteristics of a Situationship

A lack of clear communication is a hallmark of situationships. Situationships may begin like a standard dating relationship. You meet someone you like, whether that’s online, at work, school, or elsewhere, and you begin hanging out.

While your outings may look and feel like dates, in a situationship, they’re probably not referred to as dates. You might describe it as “hanging out” or “spending time with each other,” but without the connotations of a date. The language you and your partner use to describe your relationship can give you a lot of information about how you view it. 

Situationships are slightly distinct from friends-with-benefits relationships. In a friends-with-benefits situation, both parties agree to have only a sexual relationship and not explore the romantic or emotional element. In situationships, this emotional severing isn’t so explicit.

You and your situationship may have varying levels of emotional straightforwardness. Listen, I’ve been in situationships where we were saying, “I love you.” I’ve also been in situationships where I didn’t know their middle name. It’s a spectrum.

But regardless of the level of emotional investment, the level of commitment doesn’t line up.

How They Differ From Real Relationships

A real relationship doesn’t rely on ambiguity. It does the opposite — in a committed relationship, you’re going to know where you stand and where you’re heading. There won’t be endless confusion and a lack of clarity about your relationship. Instead, you’ll feel confident and secure in your relationship.

Relationships, unlike situationships, are going to include honest communication from the start. 

Instead of meeting up to “hang out,” a person who’s serious about you will ask you on a date. They’ll be interested in what you’re looking for from a relationship and want to learn more about you.

Context & Background

I think situationships are the natural extension of two big influences in the dating scene: hookup culture and the internet (common culprits).

Hookup culture has many definitions, but at its core, it’s a culture that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters. 

Situationships are a symptom of hookup culture and expose some of its weak points.

Hookup culture touts sex without emotional entanglement. Situationships happen when those emotions enter the picture, and, for some daters, that entrance may be inevitable. Because of that, hookup culture can leave people with plenty of sexual connections but stunted or nonexistent emotional ones. 

The internet allows for plenty of great things, but hookup culture isn’t necessarily one of them. Online dating makes it easier than ever to find a casual hookup, but finding a committed relationship can come with a few more obstacles. It doesn’t end at online dating, though. 

The influence of social media, such as the concept of going “Instagram official,” complicates commitment in the dating scene. Daters often don’t only consider their feelings or those of their partner; they also consider how they’ll handle it on social media. 

Situationships can develop for many reasons, but oftentimes, the people in them have a real desire for companionship but are unable to commit for one reason or another. 

It could be due to an insecure attachment style or negative relationship experiences in the past, but regardless of what gets you into a situationship, only one thing is going to get you out: honest communication.

Let’s talk about what you need to know about the casual dating world and how to navigate those gray areas of romance.

8 Signs You’re in a Situationship

First, you need to DTR — define the relationship — or accept that you’re in a situationship. Here are some telltale signs.

Similar Terms Used by Casual Daters

A lot of slang gets thrown around, particularly by young people (guilty!) in the dating world. I’ll define a few terms you should probably know:

1. Friends with Benefits: Like situationships, but without the confused emotional element. These are friends who enjoy getting it on. 

2. F*ck Buddy: A more explicit way of saying friends with benefits.

3. Ghosting: When somebody who you’ve been romantically involved with stops contacting you suddenly. Ghosting hurts — don’t ghost!

4. Benching: When a person you like sees you as a backup option. They put you on the “bench” of their romantic options at the moment.

I’ve been fooled several times into thinking that if I hang on a little longer to my situationship, it will turn into a real relationship. But because of the way situationships function and the positions they put both parties in, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to form a committed relationship from a situationship.

It’s not impossible, but it’s definitely improbable. Here’s why.

How to Shift to More Serious Dating

One of the most challenging aspects of situationships is that they include strong feelings but few outlets for those emotions. Letting go of a situationship can feel just as heartbreaking and disorienting as a breakup. 

If you’re really into someone you’ve found yourself in a situationship with, having a conversation about moving toward something more serious is worth a try. Don’t get your expectations too high, and go into the conversation knowing what you want — and unwilling to settle for anything less.

Lead with honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable. If you really like that person, tell them that and be straight-up that you’re looking for a relationship, not a situationship. I’ve found that expressing your authentic feelings to a partner, no matter how difficult it may be or what its result is, is a smart dating move.

If your situationship is also looking for something more serious — it’s a win-win! If they’re not, you should also consider that a win. An uncommitted relationship is never going to satisfy you if you’re looking for something serious. Take their “no” as an opportunity to let go and embrace a more serious dating style.

Navigating Complicated Feelings

Since a lack of authentic communication is a cornerstone of situationships, your feelings may feel overwhelming. You may feel alone, confused, and conflicted about your situation, which can make navigating it all the more difficult.

Situationships are designed to keep things ambiguous. This ambiguity easily leads to emotional turmoil.

No healthy relationship is going to leave you constantly confused about how you feel or where the relationship is going. Situationships can be harmless, but they can also do serious damage and affect how you date down the road.

Every situationship I’ve been in has one common thread: I settled for something I didn’t actually want. I wanted a deeper connection, but all that was available were half-hearted hookups and hangouts complicated by real feelings on both sides. 

Perspectives From Modern Daters

Most modern daters have found themselves in a situationship or something like it. Since situationships are usually challenging relationships to be in, many daters share their reflections online. One Reddit post in the dating subreddit asked users for their reflections on situationships.

One user puts it best: “It’s the sweetest, warmest, most inviting trap you’ll ever get caught in. It’ll be the best thing ever, until it’s not and then it’s too late because you’re already caught.” 

This response points to something very important about situationships — they can feel good! It’s because they can come with many of the same emotional trappings of relationships, including emotional and sexual intimacy. But they’re a trap because, without commitment, the situationship can disappear just as mysteriously as it appeared. 

Another user points to the complexities of situationships: “It’s difficult to define as it can happen in various forms. But I’d describe it as when you’re in a relationship in all ways but name. You’re talking all the time, going on dates, can even introduce friends and family.”

The user continued, getting at the heart of what a situationship is: “It’s like a relationship with an automatic get out of jail free card that you can use whenever it suits you.”

I’ve been in situationships that hurt. I was in a state of confusion, anticipation, infatuation, and, honestly, denial. I remember feeling anxious about bringing up my feelings because I didn’t want to “ruin” what we had. 

While I’m not discounting the connections I shared with my situationships (because there were great parts!), they were relationships built on unhealthy communication and a lack of boundaries. That’s not a great foundation for any kind of relationship, much less a romantic one. 

If you want to avoid situationships, be honest about what you’re looking for, with yourself and others. Be upfront about your intentions to find something serious, and let people go if they’re not looking for the same thing.

Vulnerable communication can be stressful and intimidating, but you’ll always feel better once you’re on the other side.