What Are Friends With Benefits? A Guide for Navigating the Gray Area

The year 2011 was interesting for the cultural zeitgeist. Adele was reaching mega-stardom by setting fire to the rain, the Harry Potter films were coming to their devastating end (I’m personally still recovering from this), and, most importantly, romcoms were shaping the modern dating landscape. 

Movies like Just Go With It, Something Borrowed, and Crazy, Stupid, Love are fan faves I wouldn’t dare fail to mention, but two films in particular stood out amongst the rest — likely due to the fact that they were based around a similar subject matter. 

No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits both dive into a story of a man and a woman who find themselves in the throes of a new-age dating dynamic — one that’s heavy on the sex and light on the commitment. In other words, they’ve agreed to become FWBs, or “friends with benefits.” 

Friends with benefits (or FWBs for short) is an agreement between two pals to have non-committal sex.

As the characters come to discover (spoiler alert), and as we’ll unpack in this article, a sex-greement between friends can be tricky to navigate. Miscommunications, discrepancies in expectations, and hurt feelings are likely outcomes.

However, one person’s waste of time is another person’s spiciest sex-ploration story — so, it’s my hope that this guide will equip you with the information and tools necessary to make the choice that best works for you. Let’s get started. 

If you’d asked me when I was 10 years old, I probably would have assumed that my “friend with benefits” was my best friend Julia, whose pantry was filled to the brim with all the snacks I could stuff my face with while playing at her house. 

I now know, however, that the real definition is a lot juicier than the pack of Gushers I liked so much — and a lot less PG. 

Friends with benefits, according to Urban Dictionary, are “two friends who trust each other enough to engage in sexual activity without fear of hurting the other’s feelings.” 

I’ll dive deeper into the validity of the latter half of this definition later. This type of dynamic requires two friends who feel comfortable enough with each other to agree to have casual sex (typically on a consistent basis) without the expectations of a committed romance. 

Essentially, it’s where one-night stands and full-on relationships come to meet. The two (or more?) participants are a lot more comfortable with each other than strangers would be, but not so comfortable and committed to the point where they want to be in an exclusive relationship.

The downside is that lines can blur quickly without open and honest communication from both ends, so it’s important to establish boundaries before dipping your toes into the murky waters of FWBs. 

If you can get in front of misunderstandings by setting expectations right off the bat, however, you and your f*ck buddy could have a couple of months (or maybe years, if you’re lucky) of great sex to look forward to. Which leads us to our next point.

Who doesn’t want to start off with the good stuff, right? Let’s take a look at the three biggest positives of entering into an FWB dynamic. 

1. Freedom and Flexibility 

As someone who has been enjoying her single era for the past eight years, I can tell you that the freedom that comes with an FWB arrangement would be a big part of the appeal for me – if I weren’t such a hopeless romantic. 

People with a casual sex buddy can indulge in the occasional pleasures of the bedroom while still dedicating plenty of time and energy to their education, career development, and other priorities. 

Perhaps they are nurturing platonic friendships. Plus, not everyone sees marriage and kids as a priority. A grown single person who is particularly busy may find the convenience of the arrangement to be a huge plus. 

For example, a doctor can wind up working crazy hours at the hospital — much like Natalie Portman’s character in No Strings Attached — so they may benefit from being able to text their FWB at the end of a long shift and have a nice slice of eggplant pie waiting for them by the time they get home. 

And if they just so happen to be as physically attractive as Ashton Kutcher, that’s a nice bonus.

2. Emotional Support Without Commitment 

If you and your FWB have more of a “get in and get out” type of vibe, this may not apply to you, but in many cases, friends with benefits can offer each other a dose of emotional comfort and support. 

At the end of the day, the idea is that friendship is written into the fine print of whatever verbal contract you’ve signed, and what better way to grow that friendship than by sharing your dreams, worries, and struggles (whilst naked, of course)?

3. Exploration of Sexuality

One-night stands can be effective in scratching that itch, but a fuller experience of pleasure is achieved a lot less frequently than you’d think — especially for women. The orgasm gap is real.

The level of comfort typically required for more authentic sexual expression comes with time and familiarity, which is inherently non-existent in one-night stands. 

On the other hand, two people having casual yet semi-regular meetups are more likely to explore their sexual needs and fantasies within the (hopefully) safe space that’s been created. 

Even though FWBs may not end up together, they could be helping the other develop a deeper understanding of what they’re looking for sexually in future relationships, leading to greater pleasure and satisfaction for all. 

If the characters from No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits could come to life and join me as cowriters for this article, they would tell you that the message of their movies is loud and clear: FWBs are difficult to navigate and often unsuccessful. Their instability stems from a few root causes.

1. Potential for Miscommunication

Even the most experienced and logical dater will tell you that when lust is involved, it’s a hard ask (pun intended) to make decisions with a clear head. 

People can let their sex drive prevent them from communicating their true intentions with their tonsil hockey teammate, leading to confusion and hurt feelings on one or both ends. 

2. Risk of Developing Unreciprocated Feelings

Leave it to orgasms to make dating so confusing. One good sexual experience, and you’re suddenly making plans with someone you never thought in a million years you’d date. 

According to research, that is the power of oxytocin, a hormone that the body releases during intercourse (for all humans, not just women). This chemical is also referred to as the “love hormone,” and it is often associated with feelings of empathy, trust, and closeness. 

Knowing that this type of chemical reaction takes place in the body, it’s easy to understand how the emotional status of your situationship can turn from casual sex to something more serious quicker than you can say, “Pass the dildo.” 

One person may start developing unreciprocated feelings for the other, at which point the FWB agreement may come to a sad and sticky end (pun intended again).

3. Impact on Friendship Dynamics

A few summers ago, I was on the path toward a FWB-type situation with a guy who had been in the same friend group I’d had since I was 5 years old. 

Before we got to the point of doing the horizontal tango, we called it quits. We were worried that our bedroom escapades could potentially divide the friend group and, more importantly, taint our long-standing friendship. 

Like I’ve said before, friendly situations get sticky when sex is involved, so the risk of things turning sour between you and any friend groups you two may be involved in should always be a consideration. 

I had a friend in high school whose parents would buy him beer and tell him, “We know you’re going to drink anyways, so we’d rather you do it here under our roof.” This section of the guide is going to be a little like that. 

I don’t necessarily recommend trying to make FWB situations work, but since many of you are going to anyway, I’d rather you be equipped with all the information and tips to minimize the emotional damage (you’ve been warned). 

That said, here are three very simple yet very vital pieces of advice I’d like to give you before sending you on your way. 

Establish Boundaries

Despite the ad hoc nature of the FWB dating style, both parties tend to get the most out of the arrangement when it involves some semblance of structure and rules. Some FWBs agree not to text or call each other between meetups — with the exception of making plans for the next “playdate.” 

Others may have rules about not meeting each other’s families or even friends. These boundaries will look different for everyone. 

The important thing is that you establish expectations from a place of care and consideration for what works best for you and your sexual partner. 

Communicate Your Feelings Clearly

As with any interpersonal relationship, communication is key to a FWB connection. Misunderstandings come easy with a dynamic as complex as friends with benefits, so we recommend you take extra care when expressing yourself to your bedroom buddy. Be specific, direct, and clear about your needs, and always remain considerate of theirs. 

Have an Exit Strategy

Unless you end up accidentally falling in love with each other and getting married — much like the characters of No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits — your casual sex-capade will eventually come to an end. 

Now, whether it trails off relatively peacefully or crashes and burns will be up to you and how well you’re able to show respect for your FWB buddy and plan an exit strategy. 

In the process of setting boundaries and effectively communicating your needs to your FWB, I recommend that you discuss some sort of protocol for letting the other person know when you’ve had enough. 

This could look like a code word, having regular check-ins, or a final conversation over the phone. If the person you’ve chosen to get into bed with truly cares about your feelings, they will respect your desire to end things and accept that the fun is over.

Casual, commitment-free sex with a friend can be a fun choice for a time in your life when relationships simply aren’t your top priority or when the prospects in your local dating pool are less than ideal. 

It’s important to understand, however, that the risk of someone leaving an FWB scenario with hurt feelings — or perhaps a desire to slash someone’s tires — is relatively high. 

Fair warning: This type of arrangement isn’t for the faint of heart, and if you do choose to venture down this wild, winding road, it’s best to be as intentional as possible.

This means placing a heavy emphasis on communicating your needs, asking for consent (always always always), and ensuring that a foundation of care and respect is established above all else. 

Other than that, your fate rests in the hands of the universe or whatever deity you believe in. Good luck, and stay safe.