Navigating Casual Hookups: The History, Downsides & Tips

The first time casual sex was brought to my attention, I was a freshman in college and still on my religious high horse (but slowly teetering). While waiting in a doctor’s office one day, I begrudgingly picked up a magazine and came across an article where a young woman was talking about her preference for casual sex. She was in medical school and didn’t have time for a serious commitment. 

I crinkled my nose and set the magazine back on the table. “Sex with someone you’re not married to? Or in love with?” I thought. I could never.

Casual hookups are sexual encounters without expectation of a long-term relationship.

A couple of years at a liberal college, an existential crisis, and a failed relationship later, however, my moral high ground crumbled. It wasn’t that I was out there thotting around (which would have been fine, too, to be clear), but I had simply changed my mindset about sex.

Maybe I wasn’t built for the casual hookup life (I’m far too much of a snuggler), but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong for everyone. In fact, non-committal intimacy can be positive in many ways, depending on your dating style and needs. Keep reading to discover everything you need to know about how to navigate the world of casual sex. 

History | Downsides | Tips

With more people getting on board with the no-strings-attached lifestyle, it’s about time we give the topic the respect of a full unpacking. Let’s start with its historical origins.

Once Taboo and Stigmatized 

Casual dating apps like Tinder, Grindr, and AdultFriendFinder are proof that casual sex is becoming ingrained into the dating landscape in Western cultures. It’s safe to say — and my 18-year-old self can attest to this — that this wasn’t always the case. 

Research conducted by social psychologists tells us that, although people have been casually bumping uglies since the dawn of time, it only started to transition into the category of “socially acceptable behavior” around the 1960s. This sexual liberation seems to have come with the second wave of feminism, the growing popularity of college party events, and increased access to birth control. 

Approximately 60 years later, plenty of people still claim to be morally against casual sex, but many are not. In fact, about 50% of young American adults report having taken part in a casual dating relationship at some point in their lives. It seems we’re at a tipping point.

Pop Culture Influences 

Anyone who’s familiar with Corn Kid, Mean Girls, or Kony 2012 understands the power of media to infiltrate the cultural zeitgeist. That said, it should be no surprise that pop culture references to casual sex in movies, TV shows, and music have played a significant role in bringing the concept from shameful to acceptable (and even to “F*ck yes!”-able). 

One of the most impactful archetypes in this cultural shift has been the “playboy.” This character (let’s call him Barney Stinson) is often portrayed as a perpetually single womanizer choosing between love and the liberating life of a partying bachelor and can be seen in popular movies and TV series such as The Pick-Up Artist, Wedding Crashers, Crazy, Stupid, Love, and Two and a Half Men. (Note that there is not a female equivalent of this trope — at least not one that’s positive). 

Another media trope you may be familiar with is the “third date rule.” This dating standard, which was arguably popularized by Carrie Bradshaw and her glamorous crew of New York singles in Sex and the City, states that you should wait to have sex with a potential partner until the third date. 

Obviously, this is not a hard and fast criterion, but the existence of the rule demonstrates a significant shift from the commonly held “no sex until marriage” expectation that existed throughout much of dating history. 

Impact on Single Life Today 

As the saying goes: Life imitates art (or is it the other way around?). After years of watching our favorite movie stars enjoy exhilarating one-night stands on screen — or hearing about them from our favorite music artists on the radio — it’s clear that a notable shift has occurred in the way people view casual sex encounters. 

What once was a topic only discussed on the hush-hush (if at all) is now part of a lively conversation between friends at Sunday brunch. People are out there getting theirs — as they should. 

Additionally, because the taboo against sexual activity has abated, many consenting adults can now enjoy exploring their sexuality and fantasies in a safe space. In fact, online communities and platforms for casual daters seem to have popped up on every corner of the internet. 

Opportunity abounds on casual dating apps and other forum-based platforms such as Reddit, Personality Cafe, and Lex. These sex-positive spaces allow you to ask questions and gain valuable insights as you dig deeper into what you like and don’t like. 

Much like yin and yang have taught us, there’s a darkness in every glimmer of light. While casual hookups can be jconvenient, pleasurable, and conducive to your lifestyle, they can also be confusing, hurtful, and even risky. Let’s talk about why.

Pressure to Perform

Because of the way hot and steamy hookups are portrayed in the media, there is a certain expectation that they’ll end as they do in the movies: with two people finishing at the exact same time, happy and satisfied. 

We don’t want to suggest that you should completely rule out this possibility, but we will say that 1) simultaneous orgasms are not that common, and 2) hookups (and sexual experiences, in general) are never that cut and dry. 

Humans are complicated, and so is sex. It could turn out that you and your bedroom partner aren’t sexually compatible, or that one or both of you experience some anxiety or nerves and find it difficult to be present. Or, let’s be honest, the person you’re getting horizontal with could be straight-up bad in bed. No chance of orgasm then. 

To prevent yourself from leaving the situation bummed and dissatisfied, it’s best to keep your expectations at a realistic level.

Lack of Stability 

At the end of the day — and despite what your oxytocin levels may be telling you — your sex buddy is not your committed partner. These late night sex-capades could be sporadic or even rare, especially if you don’t communicate your desire for frequency.

You could be left feeling overwhelmed by the emotional ups and downs of your interactions, ultimately leading to unfortunate outcomes and potentially enduring psychological damage. 

Misunderstandings and Hurt Feelings

In a perfect world, we would be able to boink our way through a casual sex-uationship until both partners are ready to move forward peacefully and platonically, no harm, no foul.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world, and a perfectly amicable breakup rarely comes to fruition. 

Either one or both sexual partners can fail to express their needs, intentions, or true feelings, and a sense of confusion or even resentment can develop along the way. 

If I’m being honest, I tend to think about casual hookups the same way I think about eating chocolate as a lactose-intolerant person: I know it’s going to end badly, but at least I can say I enjoyed it for a little while. 

STI & Health Risks 

As important as it is for people to feel that they’re not being shamed or judged for their sexual choices, it is crucial to understand the risks involved. One of the most significant risks of casual sex is the contraction of STIs. 

The reality is that the more people you hook up with, the higher your exposure to these types of diseases, even if you are taking precautions. 

A casual encounter can also be a risk in a different way, especially for women and transgender people. Imagine that you’ve just met the person on a night out or got connected over an app and do not know each other in real life. Some underhanded and violent predators may be looking to cause harm, and you never know what someone’s intentions are for the date.

Now that we’ve adequately freaked you out (sorry about that), we do want to point out once again that plenty of positives can come out of noncommittal sex: exploration, growth, and freedom.

The key to unlocking these juicy benefits lies in which hookup app you choose and how you approach your dream date.

1. Use Casual Hookup Apps

If you feel that no strings attached is more your vibe, it’s time for you to own that.

In other words, stop searching for your FWB in places where people go to find their long-term boo. You wouldn’t go to a furniture store to get your favorite flavor of ice cream, now would you?

Our dating experts suggest you go straight to the source. So many casual dating apps are designed to help you find the exact kind of raunchy rendezvous you desire.

You can browse a list of some of our top recommended casual sex apps here.

2. Respect Boundaries

This shouldn’t have to be said, but the best sex is the kind where all parties are happy and comfortable. Having good sex means listening to your sexual partner’s needs and paying close attention to the boundaries they set. 

Remember that consent is not a singular statement but a continuous expression of desire and intent. 

3. Discuss Your Intentions

Thanks to our rapidly intensifying reliance on our devices, effective communication is becoming a lost art for many people — but that doesn’t mean it has to be for you. 

The more you express your wants, needs, desires, and intentions with your bedroom playmate, the more you can hope to get out of your interactions. 

If you’re looking for a one-and-done thing, say that. If you like to be dominant, say that. If you want weekly check-ins to make sure you’re on the same page, say that. 

There is rarely such a thing as overcommunication when it comes to matters of intimacy — especially in delicate situations like these.

4. Be Safe in the Bedroom

As we mentioned before, casual sex increases your risk of contracting diseases like herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and more — as well as, of course, the risk of pregnancy. The best thing you can do to prevent these unwanted outcomes is simple: Wrap it up!  As in wearing a condom. No one’s pull-out game is faster than the clap. 

It can be beneficial to have a discussion about precautions and game plans before you start ripping your clothes off. 

As uncomfortable as the conversation may feel while you’re having it, I can guarantee that the one you’d have after contracting something would be 100 times worse. 

5. Get Tested for STIs Regularly 

It’s tempting to hide from the casual sex scene due to fear of STIs. But as long as you keep up with testing and take accountability for your actions, you’ll be fine.

If you ignore health signs or put off testing, you can avoid the pain of what you may see. However, this isn’t just harmful to you; it could also be very harmful for the person or people you choose to sleep with. 

That said, it’s always best to stay ahead of the curve by getting regular checkups and encouraging your sexual partner(s) to do the same. 

If this person makes you feel weird about asking or just straight up refuses to get tested, that is a major red flag, and the person deserves a top spot on your no-no list. No orgasm is worth that kind of risk. 

I’ll be the first to say that dating can be positively brutal, but you learn a lot from doing it – especially if you’re doing it. 

You can figure out what kind of things make you cringe, what kind of partners you mesh well with, and what kind of dating lifestyle fits your needs and personality type. 

For example, it may very well be that steamy one-night-stands with strangers feel cheap to you. Perhaps you want to put your sexual ventures behind you and start looking for The One.

Or you could discover that a FWB fits in perfectly with your on-the-go lifestyle. Maybe a long-term partnership just isn’t in the cards for you. 

It’s also entirely possible that you find yourself unsure of where you land on this spectrum but are excited to find out. 
Whatever your take is on the matter, you should give yourself the permission and the freedom to explore at your own pace. Who knows? With some good communication, respect for boundaries, and an open mind, you never know what kind of pleasure is to be found on the other side of that “u up?” text.