What Are the 5 Love Languages? Tips for Improving Relationships

Falling in love at first sight is all too easy. Staying in love is another matter entirely. A healthy relationship requires lifelong effort from both partners to keep the connection going strong.

Much like those flowers you got for Valentine’s Day, a beautiful love can wilt if you don’t regularly work on your relationship. That initial desire can fade, and before you know it, what was once a whirlwind romance can end up feeling like a chore. That’s why it’s vital to show love in as many ways you can.

Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the concept of the five love languages to explain how people express and interpret care. His theory has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. You can use love languages to ignite greater intimacy with your partner.

Let’s start by finding out what the five love languages are!

Words of affirmation is a love language that’s all about voicing your feelings in positive, reaffirming ways.

When this is your primary love language, heartfelt compliments mean a lot to you. Hearing your partner say, “I love you” will make your day.

If this is your partner’s primary love language, your words matter a lot to them, so choose your words wisely. Be careful about what you say during a fight. Harsh words spoken in the heat of the moment may not be easily forgotten or forgiven.

This love language is for people who prefer showing love through actions rather than words.

You’ll notice and appreciate the things your partner does for you. Helping with dishes, vacuuming, or simply putting away your dirty laundry can carry immense meaning.

The last thing you want to do is break your promises, add to your partner’s workload, or be lazy. The secret to your happy relationship can be concluded in one sentence: “Let me do that for you.”

For those who resonate with this love language, gifts symbolize love and thoughtfulness.

However, don’t mistake this love language for materialism. They appreciate gifts not for the material value but for the time and effort the gift-giver puts into selecting them.

If you want to impress this person, you don’t need to spend a lot of money on the present. Choose something personal that shows you understand them. Giving a hasty, generic gift can suggest that you don’t genuinely care on a deeper level.

Someone with this love language values undivided attention above all else.

When together, put down your cellphone, turn off any screens, make eye contact, and enjoy each other’s presence.

If this is your partner, the key to making them feel appreciated is by actively listening. The more details you remember, the more they see that you’re genuinely invested in them. Disappointments include too much scrolling during conversations, postponing dates, or forgetting what your partner just said.

Someone with physical touch as their primary love language values expressions of love through physical affection.

They enjoy having sex, holding hands, resting their head on their partner’s shoulder, or giving a massage at the end of the day.

If this is your partner, plan a cozy date night that includes cuddling on the couch while watching Netflix or taking a long walk in the park or on the beach while holding hands. However, if you keep a noticeable distance or seem uncomfortable with touch, your partner may start to question your love for them.

Love languages can be a powerful tool for building healthy relationships. The concept can be applied to romantic relationships, parents, children, friends, family members, and co-workers. Start by noticing how others prefer to receive love so that you can respond accordingly.

Identify Your Love Language

Your journey to understanding love language starts with you. Consider what makes you feel most loved and appreciated. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel love most when someone offers you a kind compliment?
• How important is it that someone buys you a birthday gift?
• Would you enjoy a trip for just the two of you, or does the location not matter as long as you’re together?
• Do you like it when someone runs errands for you?
• When in public, do you want to hold hands and be close?

Answering these questions can help you discover your love language. You could also ask your loved ones for their opinion. Do they see patterns in how you express love to them?

Keep in mind that we tend to show love in the way we want to be loved. So if you want physical touch from your partner, you probably show love through physical touch.

Understand Your Partner’s Love Language

You might not have the same love language as your partner, and that’s OK. You can still learn to understand one another. You can start by noticing their behavior. What things do they do to make you happy? What things do you do that make your partner happy?

If you’re not sure, it’s best to ask. I suggest you have an open conversation about love languages and explain the importance of working on the relationship by showing love in particular ways. Ask your partner if they know what their love language is, and provide your perspective as well.

By understanding your partner’s love language, you can express your love in the way they prefer to be loved. You can also teach your partner to do the same. All it takes is some clear communication and thoughtful follow-through to improve your relationship dynamic.

Now that you understand both your and your partner’s love language, you still have work to do. After all, understanding love language won’t solve all your relationship problems. Here are some expert tips to improve your relationship.

1. Become Fluent in Your Partner’s Love Language

If you and your partner have different love languages, it will take a while for both of you to adapt. You might need to learn to do things differently.

For instance, some people may feel hesitant to say “I love you” out of the blue, but if that’s what your partner likes, you need to start practicing. Even if you’re not ready to drop the “L bomb,” you can express appreciation with phrases like:

• “I appreciate the way you…”
• “I like our relationship because…”
• “You make me feel…”

In certain cultures, women express love by cooking for their families. But if having a deep conversation is more important for your partner, allow yourself to order takeout while you sit on the couch and listen to your partner talk about their day.

If you don’t understand their work life, do some research! Showing an interest in your partner’s work shows you care.

Even if you don’t do things perfectly (you still mumble a bit when you say “I love you” or don’t fully understand your partner’s work stuff), it shows your willingness to make your partner happy.

2. Check In Regularly

Maintaining relationships is like maintaining your health. You need to have your health checked regularly to catch any issues before they become serious. The same principle applies to your relationship. Just because you don’t fight doesn’t mean everything is OK.

Fortunately, checking on your partner can be as simple as asking how they’re doing and if they need anything from you.

“Hey, I know quality time is really important to you. Do you feel like we’ve shared enough quality time? How can I do it better?”

That can lead to a deep conversation that helps you learn more about your partner. Of course, you must be open to receiving feedback and taking proper action.

3. Don’t Stick to Only One Way to Show Love 

It’s good to know your partner’s primary love language. Still, people need some variation in their lives. Use your empathy to guide you on which love language your partner needs at the moment.

For example, your partner’s favorite love language is a gift, and buying them flowers never fails to make them smile. But if their father is hospitalized, buying them flowers won’t help much. They might prefer you stay with them in the hospital instead.

Everyone needs all five love languages. Yes, people have preferences, but you must adapt to the current situation. You can even skip the guessing games and ask directly, “What do you want me to do so that you feel supported?”

4. Plan Ahead to Create Special Memories

Remember, at the beginning of your relationship, you’ll do anything to impress your partner. Now that the relationship’s been going on for a while, don’t let the spark fade. You can deliberately create special memories.

Understanding your partner’s love language will guide you in deciding what to do. Consider what your partner wants and the things that make them smile.

Will your partner feel appreciated if you write them a heartfelt note listing 10 things you like in the relationship? Make it fun by sending the letter through snail mail and acting as though nothing special is coming until the day your partner gets it.

How about buying things that are already on your partner’s wishlist for a special present?

Does your partner always complain about the mess in the house? Maybe it’s time to declutter your things and surprise your partner with a clean home.

You get the idea.

What you need is a commitment to love and to express your love in ways that speak to your partner. If you do this, every day will be a special day, and that’s the secret to a fulfilling relationship.

The five love languages can be total game-changers for relationships — but they come with their own perks and pitfalls! Here’s a quick look at the upsides and the bumps along the way when you start speaking each other’s love language. 

Improved Communication Skills

Effective communication is the backbone of any relationship. When you know your partner’s love language, you can choose a way to deliver messages in the way your partner loves to receive them.

Understanding love language can help navigate difficult conversations. Let’s say your partner is overspending this month. If you know your partner’s love language is physical touch, you could give your partner a gentle massage while casually mentioning to be a bit more careful with money next month.

This is a much better scenario than screaming and throwing numbers in your partner’s face.

Greater Relationship Satisfaction & Longevity

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean a happier life. A healthy relationship can be wonderful, of course, but a toxic relationship can lower your quality of life. If you do it right, being vulnerable and exploring how to make your partner happy can be a private adventure that both of you enjoy.

When learning to love your partner the right way, you’ll need to push your ego aside, be curious, and make time to tune into each other’s love languages.

Hopefully, everything will be worth the effort as it boosts satisfaction and brings longevity to your relationship. After all, coming home to a happy home is a treasure money can’t buy.

Avoid Miscommunication 

When it comes to relationships, loving your partner is one thing, but making your partner feel loved is an entirely different story. Unfortunately, many relationships crumble because couples fail to make their partners feel seen, heard, and appreciated.

Let’s look at real-life cases to see how using love languages can help tackle the problem.

A man believes that earning more money means he’s doing his best for his family. On the other hand, the woman thinks their finances are stable enough and wants her partner to spend more time with her.

If they want their relationship to last longer and be happier, both partners must adapt to each other’s needs. The man needs to understand that his partner’s love language is quality time. She doesn’t care as much about having more money.

While the woman should realize her man’s love language is an act of service. To make him feel seen, she should express appreciation for his hard work and financial contributions. He’s doing enough for his family, and she loves him very much for that.

You can see that recognizing each other’s love language can help bridge the gap between couples.

Discussing love languages is a great starting point for building a healthy relationship. It can guide you in deepening your connection with your partner.

However, you shouldn’t use love language as a tactic or secret weapon. Say you hug your partner every time they’re upset, but you keep doing the same thing that irritates them in the first place. Sooner or later, hugging them won’t work, even though physical touch is their love language.

Without genuine love, no relationship theory alone can save your relationship. You have to do the work to create true trust and intimacy.