Love those dating apps! The choices. The choices. The glorious choices in mates. Having the opportunity to meet so many people so easily can be exhilarating!
Honestly, with such a buffet of potential partners, sometimes it feels like those dating apps are raining men (or women, for that matter). Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. Match. Match. Match. Love seems to be everywhere.
And yet you’re still swiping. What gives? Let me give you some insight on how to effectively manage all the options and opportunities without getting burnt out.
Avoid the Pitfalls of Decision Fatigue & Choice Overload
Online dating is full of options. And love “bombs” your message box constantly, especially as a woman.
The paradox of choice is a cognitive phenomena where having more choices actually causes anxiety and indecision.
One of your matches chats with you about their tastes in music and movies.
Another tells you about their work, and yet another prompts a spontaneous giggle as their humor hits just right.
All day long, and into the evening: Seductive pings. Notifications that assure you that you are indeed worthy of love. You have so many choices, how do you make a decision and stick to just one?
App Users Waste Time by Failing to Focus
Messaging with multiple people seems so much fun. So satisfying. There’s rarely a lonely moment. If one match is offline, another will be there to fill the void.
But then something happens. After the initial excitement of matches and messages, you notice something. You haven’t actually gone on a date. No one is making plans to get together in real life.
I call this phenomenon “Dating-Appathy,” and the explanation lies in neurochemistry.
It’s so common when you’re idly messaging multiple people to feel like you’re running in place. The people you’ve been messaging drop off or space out their messages (breadcrumbing is so frustrating to deal with), or just seem content to be pen pals when you’re looking for something real.
Your Brain Gets Addicted to the Chase
When two people initially match on an app, they experience a spike in dopamine that feels exciting. Messages from that person increase the dopamine surge.
But after a while, the brain gets accustomed to this “dose” of dopamine, and its reward center craves even more chemical stimulation to feel good.
In the old-fashioned world of dating IRL, this would motivate people to see each other more often.
But on dating apps, the brain is more likely to go back to the source of its original spike: a new match. Instead of taking action to meet, users end up in a swiping carousel.
What Is the Paradox of Choice?
And this is how the human brain gets stuck in a psychological trap called “Paradox of Choice.”
Simply put, the more choices the human brain has, the less able it will be to make a choice, and when it does make a choice, it tends to devalue that choice, preferring instead to focus on romantic possibilities left on the app.
It’s really a kind of bio-hacking that keeps people addicted to a dating app, rather than getting off the app to meet in the real world.
Set a Realistic Limit on Active Conversations
There is a way to circumvent this bio-hack and prevent falling into the Paradox of Choice. Here’s how:
Swipe Thoughtfully & Only Pursue Two Matches at Once
Never match with more than two people at once. Your brain will get overloaded and have a hard time keeping track of who’s who.
Juggling five or six conversations at once may feel like a fun ego trip, but it’s unlikely to be successful if you treat it as a numbers game. I like to reframe online dating as a quality-first compatibility contest.
Consider using some “shortcuts” such as having the same go-to conversation starters:
- Who is your role model in life?
- What’s your favorite movie?
- Are you looking for something serious or casual?
That last one may seem intense, but it can show intentionality and save you time by filtering out people who aren’t aligned with what you want.
My recommendation is to message two matches at the same time with the intention of eliminating one by the end of the day.
Put your conversations on the clock and give yourself a deadline to avoid procrastinating and drawing things out longer than is really productive.
Prioritize the Most Promising Matches
After a good back and forth over text, suggest a phone call or video date and put your phone number in the message.
I like to move quickly on the apps, so I limit myself to sending three messages before I introduce the idea of a phone call or video date.
Say something like:
- “Hey, I’m not a big texter, but I’d be happy to chat on the phone. Want to set up a phone call?”
- “I’m liking our vibe over chat. Should we set up a video call to see if things really click?”
Anyone who doesn’t call within 48 hours should be swiped left – eliminated. They are likely trapped in their own paradox of choice. Or, perhaps they are simply satisfied with messaging.
Note: If they set up a call, fail to call at the prescribed time, and then call with any excuse other than “I’m in the hospital,” also swipe left on them. You are looking for a reliable partner.
Move Online Conversations Offline Quickly
After a phone call or video call, decide if you’d like to meet the winner of the two matches for a coffee date.
Coffee dates are casual and tend to be brief, so it’s a good first date activity for an online match.
If either the phone call or coffee date does not go well, go back on the app and match with two more candidates to start the elimination process again.
I do not recommend trying to match with more than two at once because it devalues individual conversations.
Be Protective of Your Mental Energy
Looking for a compatible date is all about knowing your dealbreakers and dealmakers. Identify where there’s potential, and be intentional about your swiping decisions.
If the conversation isn’t flowing, swipe left. Don’t go through the motions if you’re not feeling excited by the match.
When you’re messaging too many people at once, online dating can feel like work or an obligation. That’s why I suggest sticking to a limit and moving quickly off the app to an actual date.
Remember not to overinvest too early in the conversation (aka love bombing). The getting-to-know-you phase always has to come before the falling-in-love phase.
And if it’s not enjoyable, give your brain a rest and put the app down. Perhaps schedule your time and put constraints as in, “I will be on the app for no more than 30 minutes,” and then reward yourself for following through by doing a favorite activity afterward.
FAQs: What Signs Show It’s Time to Move On?
When messaging on a dating app, look for consistency. People who suffer from “dating appathy” don’t reliably text back.
Notice the duration between your message and their response. Are they quick to message back? This is a good gauge of their interest.
Also, notice if they attempt to extend the conversation.
- Are they giving short or one-word answers, or asking you personal questions about you in your life?
- Do they seem curious to get to know you, or do they seem to be stringing you along?
A word to the wise: if someone isn’t showing much interest, don’t make the mistake of continuing to text, hoping their interest will increase. It’s better to cut your losses and move on.
How Do You Choose One Match Over Another?
If you are stuck choosing between two exciting matches, choose the one who is most into you –the one who is showing the most energy and interest.
While it can be enticing to pursue the mysterious one who is holding their details close to the vest, the likelihood that they are juggling too many suitors is great.
What Do You Say to Keep an Online Conversation Going?
Ask a personalized question. Generic lines can fall flat, but a good open-ended question based on their interests will be sure to get them talking.
Show the person that you are paying attention. Comment on something you noticed from their photos or in their profile. Point out something that you both have in common.
Here are some examples:
- “Great photo of the NYC skyline. What a view! What was your favorite part of touring the city?”
- “Your dog is so cute btw. Have you gone to any dog parks around here?”
- “I like what you said in your profile about environmentalism. What started your passion for the outdoors? (For me it was a 4th grade science project).”
And if you don’t see anything in the dating profile you can ask about, go for the obvious: “What are you looking for on this app?” Their answer will be telling!
Reset Your Approach
Bottom line: Messaging on a dating app should not be used to get to know someone. Text is void of vocal tone and body language, which makes it difficult to truly assess compatibility.
Instead, messaging should be used to eliminate the social loafers, the ones using the apps for entertainment, or the ones looking to cheat on a partner.
Don’t forget: Matching with more than two people can get you in a cycle of decision fatigue and burnout. Phone call after THREE texts. Then eliminate one.
And when you feel too overwhelmed, take a break from the apps for a week or two. This is the way to prevent the paradox of choice. You’ve got this!
