What Does “Love Bombing” Mean in the Dating Scene?

I didn’t think anything was wrong when he brought me a coffee. Or the next day when he brought me coffee and croissants and then stared deeply into my eyes for two whole minutes in silence. 

I still didn’t think it was odd when I was sick and he brought me chicken soup and held my hand in public. But when he started opening up to me about how he’s been hurt in romantic relationships, how he struggles to be accepted by his family, and how he’s falling in love with me, then I started to worry. After all, we’d only been dating for two weeks. 

Love bombing is a manipulative dating tactic that involves professing strong feelings early in a relationship.

While I was flattered by the attention, I knew we were moving too fast. When I mentioned my concerns, he told me I was emotionally unavailable and he couldn’t trust me. Ouch?

I felt as if I’d been denied entry into my own home. He stopped reaching out, and after a few spurts of messages, I did too. He found a new girlfriend one month later, and they moved in together. I was left feeling confused and whiplashed. 

I never thought this could ever happen to me. I thought I had strong boundaries, good intuition, and clear expectations. None of that mattered. I was love-bombed.  

Love bombing typically occurs in the early stages of dating. It’s characterized by an intense display of affection and attention, loaded with excessive gifts and compliments. The receiver may be flattered at first, but can quickly feel like an object of control.

Love bombers create the illusion of the perfect, ideal relationship, then later withdraw affection, leaving their partner confused and emotionally raw.  

It’s important to recognize the difference between genuine affection and love bombing. The former is characterized by mutual respect, a slow-building emotional connection, and communication in moderation, resulting in a healthy relationship. Love bombing skips important milestones for building trust and often leads to codependency and other toxic patterns.

Love bombing is a method of control or manipulation through large displays of attention and adoration. While it may feel exciting and passionate in the early stages, it can lead to feelings of confusion and dependency over time. 

Excessive Compliments and Declarations of Love

Love bombing can look like receiving excessive compliments and declarations of love in the early stages of a relationship. A partner who is love bombing might overwhelm their partner with a rapid desire to be intimate or push for commitment. 

Constant Communication and Attention

A love bomber might text or call frequently, speaking on the phone for hours at a time, or texting throughout their workday. They charge every text with intense emotion. For example:

• I can’t stop thinking about you.
• I think we’re meant for each other.
• I’ve got to see you. When can we meet up?

They might try to see their partner as often as possible and, while together, treat their partner like the center of the universe. Honestly, it’s exhausting.

Gifts and Grand Gestures

The whole boombox-outside-the-window gesture isn’t too far off base for a love bomber, who aims to create movie moments and grandiose romantic acts of love in the early stages. Their partner might feel overwhelmed by gifts of jewelry, food, clothes, and experiences. These gifts typically come before any commitment has been made. 

Love bombing can happen as quickly as you get your morning latte and continue to metastasize in the next 24 hours until you’re so far deep that you can’t tell where you begin and they end. 

It’s hard to tell what’s genuine in these scenarios and what’s a ploy for validation, control, and affection. 

1. Initial Attraction

Have you ever felt that magic moment with someone? Love bombers capitalize on this powerful meet-cute moment and then sink their teeth into your vulnerability and openness. The magnetic chemistry is met with frequent compliments, gifts, and idealization, creating the illusion of romance and a supernatural high. It’s manipulation disguised as love.

Take into account the classic motif of “fools rush in,” the idea that impulsivity in love can lead to complicated situations that have short-term gains and long-term issues. Love bombing feels great at first and can end in confusion and emotional turmoil.  

2. Idealization Phase

Idealization happens in the beginning stages of a relationship with a love bomber. Both parties may idealize the other and overlook any flaws and red flags. The purpose of idealization is to foster an emotional connection. The problem, however, is that the emotional connection is founded more on fantasy than reality. 

3. Transition to Control

I love a charming person. If they can make me laugh, tease me, or listen to me whine about my day, they make me feel seen and heard. In the case of the love bomber, though, the initial positive tone can lead to a darker one of criticism, possessiveness, and insecurity.

You may experience your partner trying to limit your personal activities, guarding your time, and displaying more jealousy. 

Knowing the red flags of a love bomber can help you build awareness and gain the courage to walk away. Soon, you’ll be an expert at spotting the warning signs of love bombing so you can avoid it down the line. 

1. Rushing to Say “I Love You”

It’s easy for a love bomber to say “I love you” even a few days into dating. While they may say it like they mean it and feel it, this person is practically a stranger and hasn’t given their partner the chance to prove their love through action. 

2. Putting Pressure on a Partner to Commit

If a person is pressuring their partner to commit too early, even despite the partner’s warnings that they want to take it slow, that’s a big red flag.

Pressuring someone to get into a relationship before any trust can be developed and earned is a big no-no. The love bomber is only interested in controlling the object of their obsession and not accepting them as they are.  

3. Making Grand Promises

Love bombers could make great politicians or actors. They’re great at delivering that award-winning monologue about how much they love you and think you’re the hottest thing on two legs. But then the next day they withdraw emotionally, leave no trace, and won’t show up when they’re needed. In short, they don’t live up to their promises.

4. Isolating From Friends and Family

It’s common for love bombers to want to control their partner’s time, instigating an us vs. the world mentality. Their goal is to get their partner all to themselves, to the detriment of the partner’s social life and family time. 

5. Intense Jealousy

Love bombers may try to say their jealousy is a result of their intense love. They just feel protective. They want to be with you all the time. Whatever bogus excuse they give, don’t be fooled into this it’s anything other than controlling.

If a person is demanding to know who their partner is hanging out with and who they’re texting all the time, it’s a warning sign of a toxic relationship. 

Jealous partners can become enraged by innocuous friendships and innocent conversations with strangers. It’s an unhealthy trait that undermines the trust in a relationship.

6. Ignoring Boundaries

Boundaries are there for a good reason — to protect you. When a love bomber ignores your needs, doesn’t listen to them, and demands that their needs be met first and foremost, run in the other direction. Don’t tolerate that for even a second. 

Love bombers can affect the trajectory of their victim’s future relationships long after theirs is over. 

Psychological Impact

Love bombing has an intense psychological impact on a person. A partner is overwhelmed with love professions and feels pulled into the love bomber’s locus of control. That can lead to emotional distress. Genuine connection is overshadowed by a confusing performance of love based on a manipulative intent. 

Narcissism is often linked to love bombing. Both narcissists and love bombers are marked by an intense need for validation and control, but the love bomber takes it a step further with displays of affection. Love bombers are typically involved in a cycle of unhealthy relationships that thrive on dependency and emotional ups and downs. 

According to a research study on narcissism, narcissists attract a person who is “highly positive, admires them, and enhances their self-worth either directly through praise or indirectly by association, as in that of a ‘trophy spouse.’” Once their desired victim is won over, the love bomber may withdraw their efforts, reinforcing the dark cycle of emotional manipulation and instability. 

Emotional Consequences

Love bombing can lead to confusion, anxiety, and dependency. As the intense emotional highs in the initial phase of the relationship wear off, criticism and manipulation can set in. 

Recipients may feel shell-shocked by the quick change in behavior and language. The partner may develop a greater need for validation and emotional stability to compensate for the abrupt change in relationship dynamics. 

This creates an unhealthy cycle where recipients may feel trapped and insecure. They may struggle to maintain a genuine connection and know what authentic love looks like. 

Long-Term Effects

Love bombing has long-term effects on a recipient’s future relationships. Some of the effects can include:

• Trust issues
• Difficulties in receiving love
• Trouble communicating one’s needs

Because trust is broken very early on in the relationship, after the initial obsession phase is over, partners may be confused about what actual, healthy courtship and long-term partnership look like. 

Case Studies or Anecdotes

Love bombing can happen to anyone. In the case of this 28-year-old woman living in London, the love bomber came out of nowhere, proposed plans for the future, like moving in and having children, and spent multiple days a week with her. Here’s what she had to say:

“When we weren’t together, he’d constantly text me to tell me what he was doing and he even spoke to me about children, asking me about my preferences and how I’d like to raise my kids.”

The woman admits that she has an anxious attachment style and that could’ve been part of why she fell for the love bombing at first.

“At the time, I didn’t know about the concept of love-bombing. I just thought that he just really knew what he wanted and wasn’t like other guys who play games,” she wrote. “I even thought to myself that this was what true romance is – it was refreshing, and it seemed too good to be true.”

If you’re experiencing love bombing in your relationship, here are some tips on how to handle it, including setting boundaries, seeking outside help, processing your experience and feelings, and self-care practices. 

1. Set Boundaries

The B word. Boundaries. They create healthy relationships and communicate to people how they want to be treated. Setting and keeping boundaries can be learned over time. 

Good boundaries can include setting restrictions on physical actions, like asking a partner to not look through your phone or join in on friend hangouts.

Boundaries can also be psychological, like asking your partner to accept that you have separate interests and don’t need to do everything together all the time. 

2. Be Self-Aware and Reflect on Dating Decisions

When dating, try to stay present with their feelings and reactions during the date. How do they respond to no? Do their reactions feel genuine? In your gut, do you feel comfortable? If not, that’s a clue to take some space and detach from communicating with this person. 

3. Seek Support

If you’re struggling with mental health issues around a love bombing experience, need help processing what happened, or want to prevent future love bombing situations, it may be wise to seek counsel through a 12-step program such as Codependents Anonymous, Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, or individual counseling and therapy.

Dating and relationship therapists can help you spot the warning signs faster, encourage you to put your needs first, and keep you accountable and honest. 

4. Practice Self-Care

Self-care isn’t just manicures and massages. It can also mean changing the way you speak to yourself and take care of your needs.

Some activities to rebuild your self-esteem may include taking yourself out on dates, spending time with good friends, maintaining a healthy diet and exercise routine, spending time on a creative outlet, or finding support in a 12-step group or therapist. 

If I leave you with one takeaway, I hope it’s this: love bombing can seem tempting and like a fairytale, but it’s not real and won’t last.

Think of Hans of the Seven Isles in “Frozen” and how he wooed Anna into agreeing to marry him when they first met — and then left her for dead when things got rocky. 

At first, love bombing can be intoxicating, life-affirming, and thrilling. But it can quickly turn into confusion, despair, and emotional chaos. It’s important to remember that if it feels like you’re getting an ethereal high early on in the relationship, practice caution and pause. 

The relationship may be based more on fantasy than reality and can quickly crumble, leaving you to pick up the love bomber’s destruction.