3 Signs of an Anxious Attachment Style & How to Fix It

When you meet a new romantic prospect, are you quick to fall head over heels? Does it always feel so perfect at the beginning of a relationship? Then, are you disappointed later because they turn out to be as bad as the last one? You may have an anxious attachment style that is preventing you from seeing early red flags.

A hallmark of an anxious attachment style is that romantic partners trust fast and move too quickly in new relationships. Secure attachments are built on a foundation of safety and trust, and that trust takes time to grow.

Our idea of what love should feel like forms early in life, and then we go out into our romantic lives and unknowingly attempt to replicate the same feelings. For people with an anxious attachment style, it doesn’t feel like real love unless it also involves some longing or sadness.

Here’s how some anxious people convert their “perfect” relationship into a familiar (painful) one.

If someone has been betrayed in their family growing up, they will carry that into all their close relationships. After the initial phase of infatuation, they become hypersensitive to signs of dishonesty or disloyalty. They push partners away with constant intrusive questions about their suspected bad behavior. 

In extreme cases, a mistrusting partner may violate privacy boundaries by snooping through a phone or computer. They may feel insecure for no reason and begin to question their partner’s honesty, motives, intentions, feelings, and actions. 

The partner becomes exhausted from being wrongly accused. They, in turn, might become even more secretive, check out emotionally, or act defensively.

Sometimes, someone with an anxious attachment style is fortunate enough to choose a trustworthy partner. But then they provoke problems in a new relationship where none exists. 

They might use manipulative behavior like flirting with others to cause instability in a relationship. They might not return phone calls or texts in a timely manner in a faulty bid for more attention.

People with an anxious attachment style may end up with an actual bad partner who will do very bad and toxic things. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Financial abuse. Cheating. You name it. 

Bad partners are very attractive to those who have childhood emotional wounds. If someone has not processed the trauma that happened in their early life, they’ll unconsciously attract untrustworthy partners who confirm their belief that people can’t be trusted. They think, “That’s just the way people are.”

These things are designed to create a familiar schema of relationships — one that is untrustworthy. Sadly, love is not about finding pleasure. It is about creating the familiar.

Here are three things you may be guilty of if you trust people too easily:

1. You desire closeness. You want badly to get close to someone fast and give your trust to them before it’s been earned.

2. You think your partners are perfect. You tend to idealize authority figures or romantic partners.

3. You can’t stay single for long. This is a sign of dependency — needing to be in a relationship, any relationship.

The trick is to begin to exercise the muscles of your prefrontal cortex, aka your thinking brain. You need to override your emotions that are leading you astray.

Here are four things you can do to have healthier relationships:

1. Move slower in relationships. Wait before having sex.
2. Ask friends what they think of a new partner and listen to what they say.
3. Look for flaws, not perfections, and ask yourself if you can live with those flaws.
4. Work with a licensed therapist who can act as your emotional wingman and help you see red flags before you get hurt.

You cannot control your feelings, so you must ignore them. But you certainly can control your thoughts and behaviors.

A healthy, loving relationship doesn’t appear magically overnight. There is usually an assessment period that involves months of talking and observing to determine if a partner is physically and emotionally safe. However, people with an anxious attachment style tend to fall in love hard and fast. They rationalize all the red flags and race into a commitment. And that’s where they get into trouble.

Once someone with an anxious attachment style is enraptured, they now must confirm their faulty belief that all love comes with pain.

Giving trust too quickly is an unhealthy way to date, so take a breath and make sure your partner is right for you in all the ways that matter.