What is Codependency in Dating and Relationships?

From afar, Kate and Andy looked like the perfect couple. He was a “golden boy” college hockey player, and she was a soft-spoken childhood education major. As Kate’s roommate, I knew her relationship made her happy. But something felt off.

Kate was always quiet, but around Andy, she was practically silent. Meanwhile Andy was loud and proud about his feelings. He loved PDA (public displays of affection). They seemed the definition of “opposites attract.” 

When their relationship ended abruptly, Kate opened up to me about what was really going on. 

Andy’s overly affectionate ways seemed cute in public, but in private, he was paranoid. He accused Kate of being embarrassed of him. Andy, it turned out, was very insecure. Kate is a textbook people-pleaser, so when Andy’s frustrations came out, she was quick to placate him, even at her own expense. 

They fell into a dysfunctional cycle, depending solely on each other to fulfill their emotional needs. It wasn’t until they spent a week apart that they realized just how codependent their relationship truly was — and how much growing they needed to do as individuals.  

A codependent relationship means two people rely on each other to an unhealthy extent.

Kate and Andy had their differences, but they had one thing in common: their codependent relationship. Andy’s need for control and Kate’s need for peace created a perfect storm of codependency. It was what MedicalNewsToday called a “circular relationship” where “one partner needs the other partner, who, in turn, needs to be needed.”

As humans, we need to be able to rely on each other for emotional support and guidance, but codependent people take this emotional support a step too far. It’s essential to know what codependency looks like so you can avoid it in your own relationships. 

Support turns into codependency when two people require each other to fulfill their emotional needs. “Codependent relationships are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver,” according to Psychology Today. 

Codependent people fulfill fundamental needs for each other. One person lacks dominance while the other needs to feel in control. In a strange way, each person fulfills a psychological need in the other. Often, one person “gives” while the other person “takes.” 

It’s important to note that not all codependent relationships are intentional or toxic. In fact, some couples find themselves in a mutually codependent relationship, where they each provide for each other in positive ways (e.g., emotional support, confidence, etc.). 

But in the end, most codependent relationships have the same fate: emotional disconnection and resentment. In codependent relationships, one person enables the other person’s bad behavior, which creates an unhealthy and unsustainable dynamic.  

How to Recognize if You’re in a Codependent Relationship

When was the last time you asked yourself what you want? When was the last time you asked yourself anything at all about your own emotions or your own desires?

Your answers to these questions could reveal that you’re in a far less mutually beneficial relationship than you thought. If you feel emotionally drained or imbalanced, codependency could be the culprit. 

Codependent relationships have a sneaky way of forming over time. A giver may think they’re helping their partner to survive, when in reality, the partner is, sometimes unknowingly, barely reciprocating. On the other hand, a taker may not realize that they’ve lost the ability to stand on their own two feet. 

Codependency can pop up in both romantic and platonic relationships alike, but it’s particularly common among couples. Look out for these common signs of codependency in romantic relationships. 

1. Lack of Boundaries

If your partner has ever breached your trust or boundaries, you know how painful this kind of betrayal can be. This is especially true when boundaries are breached during vulnerable moments: say, in the bedroom, or in the middle of an argument. 

In a codependent relationship, betrayal may feel like the status quo, so much so that it stops feeling like betrayal at all. There’s a lot hiding under the surface of sentences like “She’s just pushing me to improve myself” or “He just has a domineering personality.” Maybe what’s really being said is, “He/She doesn’t respect my boundaries.” 

Couples who have trouble saying “no” to each other probably don’t have strong boundaries. 

2. Need to “Rescue” or Fix the Partner

Since codependency is defined by imbalance, one partner may feel responsible for the other partner’s emotions. Short tempers and wild mood swings can make relationships unpredictable, and you may feel like it’s your responsibility to keep your partner’s emotional imbalances in check. 

We’ve all been in relationships where we felt it was our “duty” to “rescue” someone from their own bad decision-making. It’s what any good friend or partner would do, right? But this runs into codependent territory when you take the brunt of the other person’s consequences. 

Constantly trying to solve your partner’s problems or take care of their needs at the expense of your own personal well-being is a clear sign of codependency. Without you, your partner would feel the full impact of their actions, for better or worse. 

3. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection 

Codependent relationships are marked by a clear power imbalance, but that doesn’t mean you and your partner aren’t both invested in the relationship. The problem is that neither of you are invested for the right reasons. Ask yourself why you’re really sticking around this relationship. Maybe there’s a part of you that would rather be in a negative relationship if it means you aren’t single anymore.  

On the flip side, maybe you enjoy the power of a domineering codependent relationship, and need to feel powerful to be happy. Either way, when you’re afraid of losing something, you’re going to fight for it — even if fighting for it is ultimately harmful to everyone involved. 

If you’re hyper-vigilant of your partner’s actions or overanalyze their every move, consider why this may be. Why are you really afraid of losing them? Your paranoia points to harmful codependent tendencies. 

4. Low Self-Esteem 

Some relationships are like a sieve, where the only way someone can refill their confidence levels is by being around someone else. In this type of codependent relationship, the confidence only lasts as long as they’re around the other person. Codependent relationships thrive when one person depends on the other for self-worth.

In a codependent relationship, you or your partner may seek validation from each other to an unhealthy degree. Why do you trust your partner’s judgment over your own? Sure, couples should respect and seek out each other’s opinions, but you shouldn’t see your partner’s opinions as law. 

You can’t be in a happy relationship if you can’t make yourself happy first. It’s like RuPaul always says: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? 

5. Imbalance of Power 

Codependency is all about power. Interdependency, on the other hand, is all about respect. When the need for power overwhelms the need for respect, codependency is the result. 

If your partner tells you what to do or influences your decision-making to an unhealthy degree, that’s a clear power imbalance. One person automatically deferring to the other not only erases their power, but their self-worth, too. 

When one person becomes overly dominant or dependent on the other, it creates an unhealthy dynamic. This dynamic is what leads to a harmful codependent relationship cycle. 

You probably know one or two codependent couples in your life. They’re the couple who never seem to be apart. Despite their closeness, the couple is always surrounded by drama. You may not realize that you’re in a codependent relationship until the toxicity catches up to you, leading to tension, loneliness, and exhaustion. 

Emotional Strain & Burnout 

Codependent individuals may feel drained or unappreciated. Since one person is emotionally dependent on the other, the other person’s emotions aren’t tended to at all, leading to great emotional strain. 

When you don’t tend to your emotions properly, they’re harder to control. Calm, level-headed people develop tempers. Affectionate people may become overly effusive or flinch away from contact. Overthinking, paranoia, and fear of abandonment take root, eliminating trust. In short, someone gives far too much while the other person takes too much. 

Think of it this way: If someone cooks every single meal for you, you’ll never learn how to provide nourishment for yourself. Eventually, the person doing all the cooking will have to stop out of exhaustion. When this happens, both people starve. 

Unhealthy Dependence 

When one partner becomes overly reliant on the other, it stifles personal growth. In codependent relationships, couples need each other’s approval about life decisions, their appearances, and even their hopes for the future. When decisions about where to live, work, and eat are no longer in the individual’s hands, achieving independence gets even harder.

A codependent couple may even have trouble understanding their own emotions without someone telling them how to feel. 

Codependent people need each other to neutralize fear, discomfort, and doubt, not only in their relationship, but in their individual lives. 

Emotional Disconnect 

Successful relationships embrace emotional depth, but codependency only gives couples the illusion of emotional depth. In reality, neither person can accept vulnerability nor any other type of emotional discomfort on their own. 

As they scramble to find emotional stability, the relationship may become more about fulfilling emotional needs or managing crises rather than mutual love and respect. 

People go through life in an attempt to survive as a singular whole, but codependent people need each other to feel whole. It’s an unstable dynamic, one that will eventually collapse under the weight of unmet emotional needs. 

Toxic Relationship Cycles 

Codependent couples generally fall into two roles: The giver and the taker. A common example of this is in relationships where one person struggles with addiction. The addict’s life revolves around their drug of choice, while their partner’s life revolves around keeping the addict alive. 

In this case, the enabler is the giver, and the addict is the taker who depends on the enabler for emotional and physical survival. 

Enabling negative behaviors (e.g., addiction, irresponsibility) can perpetuate harmful cycles. And unsurprisingly, breaking these cycles usually isn’t as simple as, say, sending the addict off to rehab for a few months.

If codependent people are separated from each other, they feel lost, and may even panic. The easy cure? Bringing the codependent couple back together again. In this way, codependency can trap both partners in unhealthy patterns, making it hard to break out of the dynamic.

It’s important to note that ‘negative behaviors’ don’t need to be as drastic as addiction for codependency to form. All codependency needs to take root is an emotionally unbalanced relationship. 

There’s hope for couples who struggle with codependency. Like any harmful cycle, it takes time, perseverance, and patience to break free for good. 

The key to overcoming codependency is to establish your own sense of self outside of the relationship. When you can stand on your own two feet, you can enjoy a relationship with healthy emotional boundaries. 

Acknowledge the Problem

Recognizing that codependency exists is the first step toward change. Of course, this is easier said than done. It’s hard to look at your relationship from a bird’s-eye view, especially if you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. 

Mental Health America emphasized how codependency is learned, sometimes in childhood, and “can be passed down from one generation to another.” Codependency can look like love if you don’t know better. 

Here’s a hint: If you and your partner can’t understand your emotions or make decisions without each other, then chances are you’re in a codependent relationship. 

If you feel insecure in your relationship, look out for common signs of codependency to see if you could be in a harmful cycle and not even realize it. 

Set Healthy Boundaries

The word “no” becomes much more complicated as we grow up. We worry about insulting, annoying, and even hurting people with the short two-letter word. Unfortunately, not being able to say “no” is a direct road to codependency. 

“Don’t be afraid to assert yourself and develop and maintain healthy boundaries,” according to Psychology Today.

It’s important that you learn how to say “no” and to prioritize your own emotional and physical well-being. Straightforward boundaries say, “If you cross this line, there will be consequences.” Boundaries are power. And when there’s a balance of power between you and your partner, codependency cannot survive.  

Focus on Self-Care

“Feeling secure in yourself and in your relationship is key to healing from codependency,” Psychology Today emphasized. The best, most healing self-care journeys are the ones you go on alone. If you depend on your partner for self-care, are you really overcoming codependence? 

Focus on solo self-care activities, such as journaling or meditation, to get to the root of your insecurities. 

Why do you feel the need to give so much of yourself to your partner? Or on the flip side, why are you compelled to take so much? You have to ask yourself these questions and admit that you have a problem with codependency. In a way, being honest with yourself and accepting your reality is a healing form of self-care. 

It’s important to develop a strong sense of identity outside the relationship. Knowing who you are, what you want, and what you need in a partner is the best way to establish independence and interdependence.  

Encourage Open Communication 

Is this really a surprise? Clear, comfortable communication is the basis of all healthy relationships. Without it, couples operate in disjointed silence. Power struggles emerge, and resentment takes root. It can feel like your partner never listens to you, but are you really saying things as clearly as you could be?

Healthy relationships require honest conversations about each person’s needs. Codependent couples allow problems to fester, but healthy couples face them head-on. When you express your feelings without fear of judgment or shame, you avoid codependency. “Learn to identify and express your desires and needs,” Psychology Today advised. 

It could help to set aside time each day or week to discuss how you’re both feeling. Leave distractions like work, kids, and social media behind for a few minutes to talk about your relationship. This may sound like a waste of time, but open communication can reveal more about the inner workings of your relationship than you ever thought possible. 

Seek Professional Help

Therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or couples counseling, can be helpful for individuals and couples working through codependent behaviors. 

Working on yourself is just as important as working on your relationship. If you can’t care for yourself properly, you can’t support someone else properly, either. 

The way you care for yourself and your own insecurities says a lot about how you will address problems as someone’s partner. Therapy can teach you how to stand on your own two feet and avoid falling into codependent traps in the future. 

Practice Emotional Independence

Codependent couples often can’t fathom a world where they feel just as emotionally fulfilled and self-confident alone as they do together. Interdependence and independence are the opposite of codependency. They’re knowing you’ll be OK, emotionally and otherwise, with or without your partner. 

This is why it’s so important to practice emotional independence. As Psychology Today suggested, “Resolve conflict and compromise from a ‘we’ perspective, instead of always putting the other person’s wishes ahead of your own.” Yes, your needs are just as worthy as your partner’s, and it’s about time you both acted as such. 

You can build emotional resilience by practicing some of the self-care methods I mentioned earlier. Journaling, meditation, yoga, and workouts are great times to talk to yourself about your wants, needs, and goals. 

Have you denied yourself certain feelings in the past? Being vulnerable with yourself makes it easier to be vulnerable with other people, including your partner. 

Only when you can confidently regulate your emotions can you form healthy romantic connections. 

I can almost understand how some people end up in codependent relationships. After all, life is hard enough without throwing vulnerability and confrontation into the mix. It can be more comfortable to settle into a more straightforward, albeit more destructive, relationship dynamic.

But codependency is ultimately more harmful than helpful. Establishing emotional independence and self-confidence is the first step to breaking free from codependency. Independence, however, is not always the final goal. 

For many, the goal is to enjoy a happy, healthy interdependent relationship. In an interdependent relationship, two people balance their emotional needs and address problems with respect. These relationships are built on mutual support; again, “balance” is the keyword. 

Both you and your partner should give and take equally. 

Of course, codependency can be sneaky. In emotionally draining moments, it’s tempting to allow your partner to take control, and vice versa. Don’t allow your relationship to sink into codependency. During these difficult moments, it could be beneficial for you to seek out individual therapy or couples therapy. 

Your long-term health and wellness depends on your ability to recognize when codependency is happening and stop it before a harmful cycle begins.