What Are Romance Scams: How to Recognize and Avoid Them

Scams are nothing new. We’ve all experienced it to some degree — from false advertising to random messages from Nigerian princes. The rise of online dating apps has also led to a rise in romance scams, which are essentially con jobs directed at singles hoping to connect for love.

We’ve all heard about sneaky and unethical schemes where unsuspecting victims get their emotions and trust played. Devious digital Casanovas or femme fatales aim to tug at heartstrings while draining your wallet — to the tune of $304 million annually.

As if getting scammed isn’t bad enough, the social stigma of falling for a niche scam keeps many victims from speaking up and seeking help. There’s nothing more isolating than recognizing that you’re caught in a scam but can’t voice it for fear of being judged.

Let’s face it: while we can spread PSAs about these online heartbreakers all we want, there’s always going to be some scumbag out there looking for a quick buck. If you want to protect your heart and your wallet, you’ll need a game plan to avoid them. I will try to lay out this game plan for you and provide you with all of the information you might need to avoid online dating scams.

The Basics | Red Flags | Types of Victims | Case Studies | Protect Yourself

A romance scam starts out seeming like a dream date, and it ends up a nightmare of loss and deception.

Imagine being single for years and suddenly meeting a person who seems to check all your boxes and pays you a ton of attention. They’re messaging every evening. Sending little compliments. Making you feel all warm and fuzzy – and then there comes a request for a small favor, perhaps some financial help. 

Sometimes it’s easier to convince ourselves we’re in love than to recognize we’ve been scammed.

With fake profiles and personas,  romance scammers have finessed many psychological tricks and emotional manipulation to woo unsuspecting victims. 

Once trust is built and a relationship established, the scammer will switch from sweet talk and declarations of love to an urgent request. Suddenly they’re facing medical problems, or stranded overseas! They need your help, now! 

Of course, once you fall for their sob story, they’ll suck your bank account dry and then ditch you for the next victim, leaving you emotionally and financially destitute. It’s the worst kind of scam: one that preys upon our caring nature and takes advantage of us at our most vulnerable. In short, these guys suck. 

Not Just Nigerian Princes

Ever been contacted by a Nigerian Prince? These “princes” have existed since the dawn of the internet, creeping into Hotmail emails and MySpace DMs. 

Back in the early days of the internet, getting contacted by some rich prince may have seemed like the plot of a romance novel. Today, we know better. Unfortunately, the scammers know better too.

In the new era of online dating, scammers have learned that the key to success is to hit more personal and emotional triggers. The best way to a person’s wallet is through their heart, and they won’t hesitate to rip out yours in exchange for a payday.

It’s all about keeping it real now, so scammers must invent a more believable character to develop “genuine” relationships with victims. Instead of a prince, it’s a traveling businessman or single mother. Anything to exploit trust for financial gain. 

Psychological Manipulation

Scammers employ psychological manipulation tactics that can be hard to detect and slow to take effect. Remember, these scammers are in it for the long con. They’ll spend weeks, months, or even years building trust with their victims. 

“I was low-key just swiping right on 90% of people on FB dating cuz I’m desperate and down bad,” said a Reddit user who was worried he had been scammed. “We add each other on Instagram to continue messaging, we really get to know each other. She seems very business focused, apparently has her own winery in Singapore, invests a lot, worked at Goldman Sachs.”

“What are the chances of this actually being a unicorn situation?” — Redditor who was approached by a scammer

The ask for money may not come for a few weeks or even a few months. Scammers have all the time in the world to hook desperate people with charming messages and insincere declarations of love and devotion. They act like they care, showering their victims with praise while slowly isolating them from their closest friends and family. 

Falling victim to this sort of tactic is scary. Slowly, you’ll drift away from your friends and family, until eventually, the scammer is the only major presence in your life. By the time you realize something is wrong, you won’t have anyone else to turn to.  

If your online match’s energy is coming off stronger than a rom-com hero, it’s worth taking a step back and evaluating the situation!

Pleas for Money

Once trust is established, scammers start asking for money. They make up all sorts of urgent excuses to fool their victims. 

A scammer may say they need funds for emergency medical expenses, legal troubles, travel costs, or even some business hiccups. It may start small, just a favor of $5, but it can grow to losses amounting to tens of thousands of dollars.

It’s like they’re writing a soap opera series with endless plot twists. “My mom is in the hospital!” “My brother needs to make bail!” “My business is going to go under!” Oh, but don’t worry. They’ll pay you back. They promise. Yeah, right.

“I will pay you back” is their constant refrain. They may talk a big game about their business ventures or future prospects, but the reality is that they’re preying on your hopes and using you for a quick payday.

Scammers really know how to tug at your heartstrings by using the emotional connection they’ve built to pressure you into coughing up some cash. These money requests are usually ongoing, with new “crises” popping up as long as you keep saying yes.

According to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), Americans have lost at least $304 million to romance scams reported in early 2020, and that amount seems to increase every year.

Being able to identify signs of a romance scam is your first line of defense against romance scammers!

1. Inconsistent Stories

We all tell little white lies occasionally. It could be to make a story more interesting or to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings. Harmless lies are just that—harmless. But scammers tell lies about themselves with a much more nefarious purpose.

If you find yourself playing detective just to get to know someone, you should count it as a major red flag. Scammers try to curate the perfect persona to attract their victims, but they can slip up and forget their own backstories (especially if they’ve got more than one victim conversing with them). 

Pay attention to the details. Are they a globe-trotting doctor? Ask where they got their degree and which classes were their favorite. A humble artist trying to make it big? Ask which galleries have featured their work. A crypto millionaire? Those don’t exist, just block them. 

Stay vigilant and start noticing any inconsistencies in their stories to save your heart and wallet!

2. Moving Quickly to Love 

Have you ever heard of love at first sight? For most of us, this is something we only realize much later in a relationship. To have someone pour their undying love at warp speed isn’t exactly something that typically happens in the real world. 

Even if you do feel an instant connection, it usually does take some time before even Facebook-official couples drop the “L” word. 

A quick “I love you” is a classic scammer move. Always trust your gut — if it feels off, it probably is.

3. Refusing to Talk in Person or Over Video

Scammers will use a lot of excuses to get out of meeting in person or showing their face in video calls.

• “My internet connection is really bad right now.” 
• “I’ve been called to a last-minute meeting.” 
• “I’m super shy, and I’m not ready to show my face.”

Scammers can’t reveal their identity. The second you see their real face, you’ll realize that your new crush is nothing more than some stock photos and lies. If your date never moves beyond just texts or voice calls, you’re better off having a relationship with an AI bot.

4. Asking for Money or Favors

A romance scammer always seems to be in a tight spot when it comes to money. Their circumstances can range anywhere from medical emergencies to travel woes or a messy legal battle. 

Once you’ve sent them the money, you can bet they will ask for more down the line. Of course, they will shower you with gratitude and make empty promises to pay you back all the while. 

A scammer is in it for the money. If they’re taking more than giving, you’re probably just their cash cow. Love shouldn’t come with a price tag!

Stereotypes say that scam victims are little old ladies who don’t understand the internet. But in reality victims can be anyone. Romance scammers will chat up any lonely person they can match with online.

Age Can Be a Factor

Alright, the stereotype is a little accurate. Older adults are common targets of romance scams. A combination of loneliness, being less savvy with anything online, and a healthy bank account makes for the perfect target.

Seniors can be blinded by the initial awe of being able to find love online, and a few compliments may be enough to break down those walls of trust. 

These heartless scammers prey on the older person’s need for companionship and emotional connection. 

Just because someone slides into your DMs with the exact words you’ve always wanted to hear doesn’t mean they’re genuinely looking for love.

Still, don’t think you’re safe because you’re decades from retirement. Anyone can fall victim to these scams, so you need to stay on your guard.

Isolation Increases the Risk 

Remember when I told you that scammers love to isolate people? One of their favorite targets is people who are already isolated. Not only does it save them a lot of work, but these people are likely desperate for companionship anyway.

My mom once answered the phone (a landline, of course) and found herself on a call with a scammer who was trying to convince her that there was an issue with her Medicare and she owed the government money. She was scared, but she felt there had to be a mistake. She told the caller (the scammer) she wanted to text her son about the issue.

“You can’t. You can’t tell anyone,” the scammer told my mom. “If you do, they’ll be in trouble with the government too for fraud.” Thankfully, my mom hung up and didn’t give away her banking information to that terrible, unethical, I-hope-he-breaks-both-his-legs thief.

But what if she had believed it? What if the scammer wasn’t a random phone call but an online match who had given her compliments for weeks?

If you’re not careful, it’s easy for someone else to take advantage of you and try to use your trust against you. It’s no different when it comes to online dating. 

You could be living the most sedentary life before it’s suddenly turned upside down by some scammer who just wants to take your hard-earned money. 

Scammers know that socially isolated people lack a solid support network and are more likely to fall for scams. Everyone has a human need for emotional connection and validation. 

Avoid falling into the web of a scam and being an easy target by looking out for red flags.

Generous Hearts Become a Target

Maybe you’re the type of person who loves showering those around you with gifts. You could pride yourself on being first to lend a helping hand to someone in need. 

Why wouldn’t you want to help an online friend who really needs to get out of financial trouble? 

Unfortunately, romance scammers prey on generous instincts and giving hearts. Just when you finally think you’ve found The One, they take everything you have and leave you with nothing. 

A classic romance scam tactic is acting pitiful and desperate when, in actuality, they’re laughing all the way to the bank. As important as it is to keep your heart open to love, you wouldn’t want to be left with an empty bank account either.

Romance scams can happen anywhere in the world.

In China, they call them pig butchering scams. The term derives from the phrase “fattening a pig for slaughter.” In the case of romance scams, victims are “fattened” with loving words and promises of a life together before the scammer goes in “for the kill” by draining their bank accounts. 

Most of the time, the scammer fools the victim into investing in fake cryptocurrency. Once the money is transferred, the victim is “left for dead” with empty promises, financial losses, and no lover in sight.

Romance scams are so prevalent in online dating that it doesn’t take much searching to find victims telling their stories. The Guardian has published several articles covering real-life stories of victims.

Both Anna and Bill were caught up in similar scams that started off sweet but met the same bitter end. Showered with love, affection, and the idea of being in a relationship, they soon found themselves sending more money to their “lovers” — with demands slowly increasing in urgency (and amounts).

Singles in Australia are not spared from these scams either. Georgina truly believed she was helping her lover get out of a sticky situation involving the authorities. The scammer spun an incredible story that started as a dream to start a business before needing some funds to avoid jail time. 

Not caring about the money, Georgina generously sent her online partner more than $100,000. But the demands continued even after she had run out of money — money she would never see returned.

These are just a few victims who were brave enough to come forward with their stories. More are out there, too ashamed to talk about how they fell for a scam.

When you think about it, the financial loss is really just adding insult to injury. Imagine the person you thought you had a real connection with, the person you thought was The One, decided to betray you for a few thousand dollars in gift cards. 

The psychological fallout of being involved in these romance scams can lead to anxiety, depression, and a massive dip in one’s self-esteem. It can take a lot out of a person to emotionally recover.

How can you protect yourself from falling into the same sticky situation? Let’s discuss what to do to combat the scammers out there.

Awareness and Education

Prevention is better than any cure. You may think it will never happen to you, but romance scammers are sneaky and prey on trusting hearts. It’s always good to be aware and educated about the scam tactics employed.

Always run your own background check to verify who is on the other end of the screen. Simple methods such as reverse image searches on profile pictures and looking up social media accounts can validate whether online matches are the real deal.

Look for a digital footprint. If someone claims to own multiple businesses, that person should have a LinkedIn account that supports their claims. 

Online daters should also stay aware of romance scam trends to understand the dangers and hazards of swiping. Stay one step ahead of these scammers.

Report and Seek Help

Maybe you’re reading this article because you suspect you’ve fallen victim to a romance scam. Don’t panic. First, you need to report your situation to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) or your local police. 

You’ll need to gather all the evidence you can (take screenshots) and provide a detailed account of what happened. 

We strongly recommend telling your story to close friends and loved ones as well because their support will be critical to the recovery stage.

Additionally, if the mental and emotional toll is impacting you, you can look into counseling services and online communities that you can lean on for support to help you bounce back and feel like yourself again. Not all hope is lost!

Advocate for Stricter Regulations

Instead of giving more energy to scammers who don’t deserve another second of your time, why not direct your attention toward something that can help others from falling into the same scam? 

You can protect others by advocating for stricter regulations and better protective measures on online dating and social media. Write a letter to Match Group or other dating app owners to tell them why they should invest in protecting user safety.

Scammers get away with so much if dating services don’t find and stop them. It’s only right that their crimes are brought to justice. Champion initiatives to help create a safer, scam-free online dating experience for those who are truly out here looking for love.

The internet is a free-for-all of good and bad intentions, so it always helps to be vigilant and skeptical about what goes on online. Protect yourself with the armor of knowledge and awareness about common scam tactics.

Always be cautious when chatting with anyone online. Real relationships should be built on trust and openness, not sudden demands for cash.

Online connectivity is a wonderful thing that should connect more people But it can be ruined by shady people looking to scam the next vulnerable person. 

Unfortunately, many have fallen for romance scams in the pursuit of genuine companionship. If you suspect that you’re caught in a web of lies, it’s time to reconnect with those you actually know who have your back. 

And if you hear telltale signs of a scam from someone close, direct them to this article! 

Online dating doesn’t have to be scary as long as you’re well-informed and know who to trust and who to block.