5 Tips to Ensure You Have Healthy Relationship Standards

When you’re in search of a partner who is right for you, finding a healthy middle ground between having unrealistically high, impossible-to-meet standards and not being selective enough is important.

Although these extremes may result in different outcomes, both are likely to cause barriers in dating. In fact, not being picky enough can hinder your search for a partner as much as being a perfectionist would.

You may have more relationships if your standards aren’t high enough, but the quality of your relationships (including satisfaction and longevity), as well as your mental health, will be in jeopardy.

Being liked and pursued may be flattering, but if you settle for just anyone who pays attention to you, your standards may not be high enough. Your love life will go better if you date with a realistic mindset and develop standards that will lead you to a healthy and rewarding relationship.

Here are five ways to ensure you have healthy and appropriate standards:

Know yourself and your personal boundaries, needs, limits, and preferences, so you are better equipped to assess compatibility with someone else.

Reflect on your criteria and what you are willing to accept (or not accept) in a relationship. Dig deep when evaluating the types of qualities your partner must have.

Here is where aiming high while being realistic and remembering we are all imperfect comes into play. For example, healthy criteria to look for in a partner include trustworthiness, honesty, genuineness, kindness, consistent follow through (do their words and actions match?), and respect.

Aim high while remembering that everyone is imperfect.

Consider also what you need in terms of time, attention, affection, communication, commitment, and morals, while remembering that relationships are built over time, so be realistic and patient as you get to know each other during early dating.

Examples of realistic needs include someone who can handle constructive feedback, is emotionally and physically safe to be around, is emotionally available, and is capable of communicating effectively. Let go of superficial qualities, such as height requirements, and focus on your wish list for someone’s character and how you’d like to feel and be treated.

Once you gain insight into your needs and values, follow through by weeding out partners who demonstrate behavior that is not aligned with what you are looking for.

Don’t make excuses for unhealthy behavior such as disrespectful, aggressive, or controlling conduct. Take red flags seriously. It’s hard to know someone’s personality makeup over a few dates, but behaving in a manner that’s untrustworthy, unpredictable, and inconsistent are possible signs of deeper emotional turmoil.

Your standards may be too low if you have a pattern of falling for potential partners who look good on paper but exhibit problematic behaviors. If your support system of friends and family have valid concerns about the types of partners you pick, listen to them.

Without judgment, try to better understand what’s causing you to pick partners who are bringing you down. Why do you settle for partners who treat you poorly?

Sometimes writing out the questions you would pose to a friend in a similar situation helps you be objective with yourself. Questions like: Do you tend to fall quickly, especially for partners who say the “right” thing or profess love early on? Do you jump into bed quickly without really knowing the person, and then feel stuck or confused when you realize there are red flags?

Do you feel worthy of being treated with respect and love? Are you feeling insecure of yourself and what you have to offer? What kind of relationship did your parents model?

Reflecting on what you don’t want is just as beneficial as knowing what you want. Don’t deny yourself what you want, need, and deserve in a relationship. You may end up with a partner by your side, but you are likely to be miserable and resent your partner for what you’ve given up for him or her.

This is why assessing your values, lifestyle compatibility, and goals and then prioritizing compatibility is a must. For instance, if you give up on your dream of having children because your partner doesn’t want kids, eventually that will take a toll on the relationship.

For example, anger management is a good non-negotiable. Favorite types of movies is not.

When it comes to non-negotiables and deal-breakers, it’s important to know what matters and what doesn’t. For example, if you are an animal lover and pet owner, a reasonable non-negotiable trait to look for in a partner is openness to pets. Or if your religion is a meaningful part of your life, it makes sense to look for a partner who has the same religious background as you or is open to your religion.

On the other hand, where someone went to college or which sports teams they follow does not matter in sustaining a healthy relationship, so let go of superficial details. These sorts of things often lead to problematic pickiness.

To set an appropriate bar, start by respecting yourself and have an accurate understanding of relationships.

A lack of understanding may cause infatuation and chemistry to be confused with a solid connection, especially if the past is colored by unhealthy relationships or poor examples from childhood.

As you date, use the following reminders and add your own statements to stay focused on what’s important. These will be especially useful if you tend to prioritize physical chemistry over an emotional connection:

All relationships go through stages, changes, and challenges. Avoiding conflict is not the goal. Managing differences, handling conflict constructively, compromising, and effectively communicating is what matters. Eliminating conflict altogether is impossible. Some areas of conflict are not solvable and that’s OK.

My partner must be honest, kind, trustworthy, and dedicated to me. I deserve to feel important and be treated with kindness, admiration, and respect. I will feel comfortable being my authentic self and will not pretend to be someone I am not to get my partner’s love. I will speak up for my needs.

In a healthy relationship, my partner and I are both allowed to have our own interests, goals, hobbies, and relationships. While prioritizing each other, we will also respect our differences, our need for space and privacy, and our separateness outside of our relationship. We will support one another in our individual pursuits.

You may feel lonely or discouraged when you take an honest look at your dating life and relationship history. You may feel insecure putting yourself out there and hoping for a healthy partner.

You may put yourself down as you ask yourself, “Who am I to expect a loving partner and date with high standards?” You may question whether you deserve to be treated with love and respect, especially if you’ve been hurt before.

To have a healthy relationship with someone else, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself.

However, if you don’t feel worthy, you are bound to settle or even worse, tolerate mistreatment and abuse in your relationships.

Take care of yourself and prioritize your well-being. You are allowed to expect to be treated well. This is not pickiness; this is about health and valuing yourself.

Work on accepting and loving yourself, which will help you date with an attitude of worthiness.

By applying the above strategies, you can develop healthy standards to guide your choice in romantic partners and ensure you are dating with a reality-based mindset. Valuing your worth, taking red flags seriously, and paying attention to details that matter in rewarding long-term relationships will lead you to the right partner.

Taking ownership of your love life is essential. Make sure you are doing the choosing instead of passively waiting to be chosen.