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People choose to live a sober lifestyle for a variety of reasons. Sobriety can help individuals reach clarity and work on self-improvement without being hampered by addiction. The term “boysober” is a new trend where singles are redefining self-care and taking control of their dating life.
Boysober means choosing to not date boys and instead focusing on a celibate life of self-discovery.
It’s important now more than ever to choose peace over exerting all your energy into dating. I know it’s easy to fall into the fantasy that finding your significant other will change your whole life trajectory. Social media, other couples, and even our own negative thoughts make it seem like dating is a necessary action rather than what it should be: a voluntary experience.
The boysober lifestyle empowers singles to take initiative in their dating lives and step away from toxic relationships. Instead of focusing on dating, singles who are boysober try to become the best version of themselves. They take a break from dating, hooking up, and dealing with situationships.
I’ll get into what boysober means in casual conversation, as well as what it means to the larger dating world and society in general. Who knows, maybe I might convince you to give it a try by the end.
Dating has always caused a lot of stress due to the pressure that comes from society’s expectations. Singles are expected to put themselves out there to find love and new relationships. And it doesn’t help that social media is filled with so many #RelationshipGoals couples in cute matching PJs for the holidays.
As people age, the idea of settling down and starting a family starts to become more urgent. To me, it feels like a ticking bomb about to go off. This pressure often leads people to jump into unfulfilling relationships that only lead to disappointment.
People who participate in the boysober movement are part of a new wave of feminism. Boysober represents prioritizing your needs and wants –– and it’s about time people do so. Today’s dating culture will make you feel like you need to always be swiping and hooking up with new people, but it’s through solitude that you learn about yourself and grow as a person.
The boysober trend sheds light on what actually matters to individuals. It pushes back against toxic dating culture. Singles who refrain from dating boys can create unique experiences and enjoy their own company without needing a boo. Besides, more singles are tired of settling for hookups and lack of chemistry when dating.
Let’s face it –– politics have become a gender war, especially since the fall of Roe v. Wade. Statistics show that women are becoming more liberal and progressive in their ideals, and men are leaning more toward conservative values. These differences have caused many singles to reconsider the dating sphere and decide to focus more on their growth.
It’s more complicated to date nowadays because more singles (especially young singles) say politics is a dealbreaker. Gone are the old days when couples didn’t talk politics or let those opinions impact their relationship satisfaction.
In a 2024 survey, 60.5% of respondents said they would break up with a partner over political differences.
Not to mention society has changed and moved away from heteronormative family structures. More single women are educated and in the workforce, which is great for society but maybe not so great for relationships if a lot of men feel emasculated by a woman who makes more money or has a higher education.
My takeaway: Women have evolved, but men have not changed as much with the times and may not be as emotionally equipped for an equal partnership. I hate to say it, but I think it’s true.
The political divide is certainly impacting dating choices and making it harder for men and women to see eye to eye on first dates. Choosing to date someone who has different political views from you seems like a small thing at first, but it can eventually become a strain on the relationship.
There isn’t just one way to be boysober. Women can make it their own.
Dating is an exhausting process of getting to know people and being ghosted, but by participating in the boysober lifestyle, you take back that time and focus on the things you love. This is a time when singles can focus on investing in their relationships (i.e., community members, friends, and loved ones).
When you are a part of the boysober lifestyle, you also have more time to invest in your work and career aspirations. The energy you put into swiping on dating apps can be redirected and used for climbing the corporate ladder and investing in your side projects. Outside of your relationships, this is also a perfect opportunity to progress more in your career and make strides on individual projects.
Just because you are boysober doesn’t mean you have to cut off dating completely. You could just stop dating male partners and focus on exploring fem-identifying partners. For example, bisexual women can be “boysober” and date women exclusively despite their attraction to both genders.
Overall, the point of boysober is to leave distracting boys behind and focus on things that you want. The boysober journey is about facilitating personal growth and leaving boy drama in the rearview. You don’t need to find that special someone or rush to get married because those are rules of the past that didn’t age well for Gen Z.
The term boysober is a relatively new concept. It was coined by the comedian Hope Woodward early in 2024. While on stage at comedy clubs in Brooklyn, she playfully discussed her determination to stay away from toxic boys (or, I guess, all boys) and challenged society’s dating norms.
Women on TikTok grabbed hold of the idea, it began trending and showing up in articles like this one, and boom: a new movement began.
Hope said the upside of being boysober is the chance to “remove the fake sense of validation that we get from dating and situationships and sleeping around, and refocus that energy.”
Hope decided to express her agency and break free from the word “celibacy” because of its religious connotations. She likes the term “boysober” better because it’s more her vibe.
Some boysober people go outside of traditional heterosexual relationships in search of something meaningful. Bisexual women often say they create a deeper emotional bond with women than with men. A Reddit user said, “For me, it’s the emotional connection. I am in my first relationship with a woman, and it is the most beautiful thing that has happened to me. I honestly didn’t know love like this was possible.”
Boysober is all about reclaiming autonomy over yourself. Society has placed women into a box where they feel pressure to satisfy a man’s needs and repress their authentic selves to find a distorted version of happiness. Women in the boysober lifestyle no longer have to feel obligated to date unless they want to, and they don’t have to feel weird or isolated because they choose to stay single.
“A boysober year gives space to reflect, heal, and focus on what one wants next — from a relationship and for oneself.” — Courtney Dana DuBois
Multiple life activities can satisfy your soul outside of dating. The boysober lifestyle gives singles the opportunities to invest in those activities.
In an online article, Courtney Dana DuBois shared anecdotes from her boysober lifestyle, or as she calls it, “mansober.” Courtney is quoted as saying, “And best of all, I’m having so much fun. My life is abuzz with activities. I’ve been to birthday parties, live shows, karaoke, a play, and even a gala. I’ve been more present as a parent. I’ve mentored new writers. It’s been amazing.”
One of the greatest loves that a person can experience is self-love. Our society has created many negative connotations and expectations around finding someone to give us the love that we can find within ourselves. It’s important, especially when you’re in your young era, to redefine what love is for you and find ways to complete yourself regardless of relationship status.
The gender war in the U.S. has led to women finding new ways to be their best selves, and boysober is a great way to do it. The history of traditional relationships has painted a false narrative of a man coming in and making a woman’s life better by providing her some type of stability, but it’s 2024, and we all know that narrative died a long time ago. It’s time for women to create their own stories where they take control of the dating dynamic.
Boysober life offers more possibilities for women to make changes and take control. I do hope the gender divide will eventually come to an end. Maybe we will even see an increase in emotionally stable and mature men emerging in the wake of the boysober trend.
At the end of the day, the boysober life is beautiful because it gives women (and anyone tired of dating boys) the autonomy to reclaim their own dating life. Whether you’re doing it to give yourself a little break from dating or you want to stay single indefinitely, being boysober is sure to bring your daily routine a much-needed reset… that could actually help your dating life in the long term.
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