Forget Who You Think You Should Be, and Show Up to Dating as You Are

The Short Version: Dating has changed– and dating experts Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick say it’s for the better. The duo, who are active daters and hosts of the podcast Dateable, talked to us about the emergence of intentional dating and how it’s shifting the modern landscape, specifically for millennial women.

Some dating advice online tells you exactly how to show up. It gives directives on what outfits to wear, what to say, how to do your makeup. Other advice offers lists of things you should never do on a first date, but when you find another list of the things you should absolutely do on a first date, some crossover is likely.

Advice swirls in the dating and romance world, and singles can struggle figuring out what resources are worth their time and energy. While there’s no hard and fast rule that will determine if advice is useful or not, and it will be different for each person, there are some kinds of advice that can never be helpful.

Good dating advice will never tell you to show up in any way less than authentic. 

Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick are dating experts and the hosts of Dateable, a podcast for single people who want to embrace a dating and relationship approach that’s truly their own. 

Yue and Julie talked to us about what healthy dating entails and what daters can do to ensure their approach centers on authenticity, connection, and, most importantly, enjoying themselves.

“We’re experiencing a wave in the dating scene where people are really questioning what they want out of dating,” Yue said. “They’re asking themselves about their ultimate goals. It’s all about intentional dating now: It’s about getting clear about what you want and going after it.”

Yue and Julie have been tracking—and participating in—the dating scene since before online dating was the go-to method. Yue said that online dating changed the scene, and now it’s changing again.

“The first wave of change happened when online dating came on the scene,” Yue said. “People were distracted by all the choices and options out there and weren’t sure what they were looking for.” That means they didn’t know where to look.

The early periods of online dating’s mainstream era were defined by “trying it out.” Julie said, “Everybody was just seeing what was out there. Now, we’re about a decade in, and people are asking themselves what they really want.”

With this shift, the term “intentional dating” appeared. This term describes a dating approach that centers on self-knowledge and transparent expectations about what an ideal relationship looks like. Julie said this shift is especially apparent in single women.

“Knowing what you want and pursuing it has become the move now, especially for women,” Julie said.

“This can be really difficult. Speaking for myself, as an elder millennial, I had to unlearn a lot of dating advice to ‘lean back’ and let the man take the lead. As women, we’ve gotten a lot of messaging about letting ourselves be chosen.”

Intentional dating centers a single’s hopes, desires, and expectations on the table. Intentional dating gives daters the opportunity to be discerning and not waste time pursuing connections that won’t lead them to where they want to be.

“People are really thriving in today’s world where they’re taking control of their love lives,” Julie said. “They’re not just sitting around and waiting.”

Intentional dating comes with a message: It’s up to you to create your romantic future. You can decide what kind of relationship you want and the kind of partner you’re looking for. Not only that, but you can be the one to find and get them.

Intentional dating helps singles avoid falling into negative dating habits. “Cool girl syndrome,” Yue said. “We’re all guilty of it at some time. We play it cool, say it’s all good, don’t ask for anything, and then realize we’re compromising ourselves, suppressing ourselves, or not getting what we need.”

Cool girl syndrome comes from a place of not wanting to disrupt the progression of a relationship or not seem “too needy.” Playing it cool may get you a date with a person you like, but it will never lead to a fulfilling and secure relationship.

“It’s good to ask questions in the beginning about how you’re behaving and what you need,” Yue said. “Ask yourself if your best friend would choose this person for you. Your friends want only the best for you, and sometimes we don’t choose the very best for ourselves.”

Intentional daters lead with thought-out resolve, desires, and past experiences. But the first move is getting out there. “There has been so much emphasis on who makes the first move, and dating is always imagined as this game of chess,” Julie said. 

Intentional dating aims to discourage some of the games that come with dating. “At the end of the day,” Julie continued, “you’re trying to find someone that’s your life partner, your best friend. If you can get out of the mindset of playing the game and being strategic, connection is easier.” 

Online and offline daters can use the strategies that come with intentional dating. “One big difference we’re seeing is that people use apps to their advantage,” Julie said. “Women are deciding who they want to talk to. They’re not just waiting.”

The concepts and techniques that come with intentional dating question many of the outdated aspects of a dating scene for heterosexual women. Many American women are raised with messaging about traditional gender roles and how these roles extend into romance.

“There’s a lot of internalized misogyny in the way dating works, and maybe it’s designed that way to some degree, to position women in this place of waiting to be chosen,” Julie said.

Yue said. “For so long, we were like, I’m with him because he chose me, and therefore I’m of high value. Who gave us that messed up message? It’s so wrong.”

Julie and Yue said more single women are realizing that this doesn’t have to be their dating approach and are investigating the ways gender roles, heteronormativity, and sexism affect their dating experiences. 

Digging into why dating functions the way it usually does can be challenging, especially when it leads to an overhaul of one’s dating approach.

Julie and Yue’s podcast, Dateable, features real-life stories from the duo, visiting experts, and other guests that explore the state of modern dating. The podcast is geared toward any kind of single person who resonates with its materials, but it is specifically geared toward women.

If you’re suffering from online dating burnout, Dateable’s Meeting People IRL Masterclass covers everything you need to know about meeting people in real life. Julie and Yue share their personal and professional experiences in the master class and leave singles with techniques they can use in the real world.

They’re also offering our readers a special offer by using the coupon code “DATINGADVICE” at checkout.

“There’s this big fear of wasting time in dating like there’s this ticking clock,” Julie said. “But sometimes, slowing down to speed up is what’s actually going to help you in the long run. There’s no rush.”