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When something is described as heteronormative, it means heterosexuality is the expected or preferred way of being. It assumes that being “hetero” is the “normal” way for humans to be, and a lot of Western society has been built around this idea.
We can find heteronormativity in pretty much every aspect of our culture, from TV shows and social media to healthcare and the legal system.
Think about the most popular reality TV shows. “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” are about as heteronormative as it gets.
The show’s basic premise says that not only are uncoupled men and women defined by their singleness (i.e., the title of bachelor and bachelorette), but they’re also hyperfocused on finding a committed relationship with a person of the opposite sex.
In the world of “The Bachelor” franchise, there is no room for anyone who’s not cis and heterosexual. It’s not reflective of the diversity of people’s identities, but it is reflective of broader cultural thought.
No shade if you enjoy “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”— we all have our guilty pleasures. But it’s essential to understand what heteronormativity is and how it has a big impact on your life and relationships.
Heteronormativity affects all of us, but especially the people who don’t fit within the identities of cisgender and straight. If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary, or queer, you probably don’t need heteronormativity explained to you. You’ve experienced it and all its reverberations and implications.
The European Institute for Gender Equality gives a succinct and effective description of heteronormativity:
“Heteronormativity is the assumption of a person’s heterosexuality. [It is] what makes heterosexuality seem coherent, natural, and privileged. It involved the assumption that everyone is ‘naturally’ heterosexual, and that heterosexuality is an ideal superior [to other identities].”
Heteronormativity informs bias and discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals, and understanding it is an essential first step in dismantling its damaging implications.
To understand the concept of heteronormativity, we have to explore some queer theory. Let me rephrase: We get to explore some queer theory.
The term heteronormativity was popularized in 1991 by Michael Warner, a literary critic whose voice was highly influential in the field of queer theory. Warner explored the concept of “normalcy” and how it related to advocacy for same-sex marriage, among other things.
But before Warner, we had Gayle Rubin, a cultural anthropologist, and Adrienne Rich, a feminist writer, laying the groundwork for the concept of heteronormativity.
Rubin, Rich, and Warner were concerned with sex, gender, what is considered normal, and how that impacts anything outside of the prescribed cisgender, heterosexual norm.
Warner landed on the term heteronormativity to describe the kind of sex and gender expression society reinforces and expects.
While heteronormativity refers to a norm, it also posits that the gender and sex norm is mythical (see Audre Lorde); it has been prescribed by larger cultural forces and has no basis outside of cultural beliefs.
Here are some of the most common heteronormative assumptions:
These assumptions can come out loud and quiet. I’m bisexual, and in my experiences dating women, the impacts of heteronormativity vary. First of all, pretty much nobody assumed my girlfriend and I were dating. They assumed we were best friends… or something.
I remember telling a male colleague the woman he had seen me with was my girlfriend, and he looked shocked: “Neither of you looks gay?!”
Heteronormative assumptions also extend to gender. Here are a couple of common ones:
All of these kinds of assumptions used to be on display on dating apps. Old-school apps used to have two options for gender and one option for sexual orientation. Users were either a man or a woman, and the platform would de facto assume that because you were one, you would want to date the other.
Today, pretty much every mainstream dating app has expansive options for gender and sexuality identification. Users can match with whomever they want and identify however they want. I’d say that’s a step in the right direction.
Dating apps becoming more inclusive is a reflection of the growing visible diversity of not just the dating scene but mainstream culture. LGBTQ+ people have always existed. Their voices, stories, and identities are just now becoming more visible and celebrated in American culture.
Queer theory emerged in the 1990s out of women’s and gender studies. The field encompasses a broad array of studies and theories of gender and sex that exist outside of heterosexuality.
Queer theory challenges the concept that heterosexual is normal. In other words, queer theory challenges heteronormativity.
Queer theorists criticize gender essentialism, which is the belief that gender is inborn and categorically binary, and they often do this by investigating the categories we put gender into and how the varied cultural forces, especially language, reinforce the social construct of gender.
Along with Gayle Rubin and Adrienne Rich, important queer theorists include Michel Foucault, Judith Butler, and Gloria E. Anzaldúa.
If you want to know what a heteronormative culture looks like, just look outside. Heteronormativity affects men, women, trans people, non-binary people– everybody. From family structures to gender roles, heteronormativity impacts pretty much everything that gender does.
Heteronormativity comes into play in nearly every aspect of dating. Regardless of your gender identity, heteronormativity is going to influence how others may view you when you date. It may also influence how you see yourself.
Cisgender men are expected to act masculine, whether that’s through appearance or behavior, and cisgender women are expected to act feminine. Of course, the definitions of masculine and feminine vary from place to place and person to person.
For heterosexual couples with kids, heteronormativity may impose gender roles onto the parents, like mothers being responsible for caretaking and fathers for breadwinning, even if those roles don’t suit the individual.
LGBTQ+ people are othered in heteronormative cultures. They are made to be and feel different. Heteronormative culture excludes and stigmatizes LGBTQ+ and non-conforming identities.
Many popular romantic comedies operate on a distinctly heteronormative basis. “Bridget Jones Diary” places an absurd focus on finding a romantic partner for an otherwise successful woman with a well-rounded life.
“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” pits women and men against each other in a romantic yet spiteful back and forth. The movie makes men and women out to be from different planets– you can find many conversations where groups of men or women talk about how confusing the opposite group is.
If we look at rom-coms today, the scene is getting better. Rom-coms that follow the classic genre structure, but with gay characters, like “Love, Simon” and “Red, White, & Royal Blue,” are a testament to this progress.
Media that embraces a non-heteronormative narrative would center on stories of men, women, and trans and non-binary people who aren’t performing and experiencing gender and sex the way heteronormativity posits. It would celebrate their stories without focusing too intently on the negative or traumatic aspects.
In a lot of ways, queer theory itself is a critique of heteronormativity. But you can find critiques everywhere, from TikTok and Instagram to TV shows and movies.
As society begins to embrace the reality of gender and sexuality diversity, more people are paying attention to concepts like heteronormativity and the issues it causes.
When a character in media or literature is gay, how they’re treated matters. It’s also a reflection of society’s broader impulses. Mainstream media tends to have a hard time depicting authentic and realistic LGBTQ+ characters, and it is notorious for handling them insensitively and often offensively.
A 2015 study found that exposure to gay TV characters makes heterosexual watchers more accepting of gay equality, and another study by GLAAD found queer representation increased queer acceptance.
That means we can’t keep on having the same stereotypical, side-lined gay characters. Enough with the gay best friend stereotype or the aggressive lesbian– LGBTQ+ characters deserve to be just as diverse as their heterosexual counterparts.
We also need to move away from over-traumatized gay stories. LGBTQ+ experiences can come with challenges, discrimination, and trauma. That doesn’t mean we can only tell stories about those things. LGBTQ+ experiences deserve to be represented with as much complexity as they hold.
Heteronormative thought puts you into a box you may not fit into, and the result can be devastating for your mental well-being. Toxic masculinity, sexual repression, and depression can be a few of these damaging symptoms. Heteronormativity has already affected your dating life, even if you don’t realize it.
Studies have shown that imposing heteronormative standards can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression for LGBTQ+ individuals.
Heternormativity makes “coming out” a conversation, which can put a toll on LGBTQ+ people who feel they are always having to disclose or explain their identity. It harms cisgender women and men who believe they have to be less-than-authentic to adequately perform their preferred gender.
Heteronormative standards are also harmful for heterosexual and cisgender people. It makes it upsetting or impossible to communicate feelings or desires outside of the standard, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame.
Often, when we perform gender in the name of heteronormativity, our actions aren’t in line with our beliefs. We don’t consciously perform heteronormativity: It influences how we act, date, and parent.
Heteronormativity can be restricting. The good thing is, you don’t have to cling to it if you don’t want to. By considering how heteronormativity shapes your perspective of the world and embracing feminist and LGBTQ+ activism, you can help broader culture move beyond heteronormativity.
Advocating for LGBTQ+ and feminist causes is a great way to dismantle the bigger cultural and legal implications of heteronormativity.
The fight to legalize same-sex marriage, or, in essence, remove gendered and explicitly heterosexual language from the civil process of marriage, was a fight against heteronormative standards.
The fight continues. Twenty years ago, a lot of people thought gay marriage was a grave threat to American life. Today, we see the same kind of harmful rhetoric about trans people. You can foster safer and more inclusive environments by working to stop anti-trans legislation and speak out against hate.
The dating scene is making strides toward dismantling heteronormative thinking. In 2005, eharmony was sued for discrimination against same-sex couples. The site settled in 2009 by making a separate site (now defunct) for gay and lesbian users, called Compatible Partners.
And today, nearly two decades after the lawsuit started, eharmony welcomes LGBTQ+ users and has expanded its gender and sexuality options to reflect that. You can now choose from a dozen gender options, along with choosing the gender(s) of the people you would like to date.
Out and proud LGBTQ+ celebrities, like Chappell Roan and Troye Sivan, are Gen Z icons. They’re open about their sexual orientation, and their music celebrates it. Sam Smith, Jonathan van Ness, and Bella Ramsey are all non-binary entertainers who speak openly about their identities.
Not to say the cover of “Sports Illustrated” says anything too significant about society, but the 2023 inclusion of Kim Petras, a transgender Grammy Award-winning artist, is definitely notable.
Want to challenge heteronormative standards? Education and advocacy is the best place to start.
Heteronormativity is baked into society, but it’s not unchangeable, and we’ve already seen big changes. The successful 2005 lawsuit against eharmony is one example, as is the 2023 legislation in 12 states protecting trans healthcare.
You can read queer theory, and resources like YouTube make pretty much any material accessible to a wide audience. You can also keep up with the news, specifically topics regarding LGBTQ+ and women’s rights and sexual health.
A world outside of heteronormativity is one where people authentically experience and embody their genders and sexualities. Maybe we could even have a gay or gender-expansive “Bachelor” franchise, and Colton coming out post-season does not count.
In my fantasy, a mixed-gender and pansexual cast competes with all the corny aesthetics of “The Bachelor” franchise bestowing them. People outside of the heteronormative standard deserve cringe and messy reality TV too (see “The Ultimatum: Queer Love” if you’re looking for that).
In a conversation with my Gen X dad, he put it best: “Your generation just doesn’t care about this stuff like we used to.” Inclusion, acceptance, and celebrating the diversity of our identities are in. Doing or being something to be heterosexual or cisgender “enough” is out.
By embracing an inclusive and welcoming neutrality around gender and sexuality, we can challenge the damaging impacts of heteronormativity and create a society and culture that’s better for everybody.
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