What Is Queer? Defining What It Means in the Dating World 

The story of the word “queer” is one of vitriol, discrimination, and, eventually, redemption. Historically used as a derogatory way to refer to someone who is different or unconventional, the term has come to embody a group of people with non-heteronormative identities.

In short, the queer identity is a reclamation of power by those the term was originally meant to put down. 

Identifying as “queer” means a person’s sexual or gender identity does not fall under traditional binary definitions.

Like with any reclaimed word, properly using the term can leave some people hesitant and confused. How exactly do we use “queer” correctly? What does it mean within the context of the dating world? What does it mean within the context of modern society? 

Don’t worry, this guide is here to dish up a piping hot serving of clari-TEA. I’m going to dive into a review of the term’s evolution, its impact in the dating scene, and the inimitable role the queer community plays in our culture. 

Identities | Meaning In Context| Dating & Relationships | Challenges | Culture & Community 

The queer umbrella usually describes sexual orientation or gender identity. It’s important for everybody to understand the meaning of these terms in case they come up in conversations or dating profiles on the road to connection.

Sexual Orientation

The term “queer” can mean non-heterosexual, but not always. It is by no means a synonym for gay. If you call one of your gay friends “queer” out of the blue, they’ll probably get upset.

Let’s rewind a bit. At one point, “queer” was exclusively used as a derogatory term for homosexual men. Then people started voluntarily taking it up as an identifier.

Today, the term has a much more nuanced meaning. If you see someone list their orientation as “queer” on a dating app, it can mean any number of things. 

While people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or asexual can refer to themselves as queer, the term is more commonly used by people whose sexuality doesn’t neatly fit into one of those boxes. They could have fluid preferences or only experience attraction after forming an emotional connection. 

The best way to understand a queer person’s sexuality is to ask questions. Be respectful of their comfort levels with you, and if they choose not to go into detail, don’t probe further.

Gender Identity

Queer can also be used to refer to someone’s gender identity. Gender, like sexuality, is a spectrum, and not everyone resonates with the male/female binary. 

A lot of gender identities can identify as queer. Someone who is transgender, non-binary, or genderfluid may consider themselves queer as well.

Much like with sexual orientation, many people use queer as an alternative for more specific labels. Sometimes they find no other label quite fits and “queer” is the best way to describe themselves. 

If you match with someone who identifies as queer, be sure to respect their pronouns. It’s becoming increasingly common to include pronouns in dating profiles, even for cisgender people. If you’re unsure if your match is a them/they, you can always ask their pronouns.

As most things are within the queer space, the definition of the word is beautiful and multifaceted. And the more we understand this complex journey from past to present, the more we can pin down the term’s place in the modern dating world.

Historical Background

The word “queer” first made its way into the English lexicon in the 16th century, when speakers intended to describe a person, place, or thing as “strange, odd, peculiar, or eccentric.” For example, someone of this time period may say:

“The river water was a queer shade of brown.”

As time went on, the term took on a new form. By the late 19th century, people were using it as a slang word for “homosexual man” — though with a relatively neutral connotation. It wasn’t until the 1930s that use of the term was served with an intentional glaze of hate, and often used interchangeably with other pejorative words such as “fairies” and “pansies.” 

Then the sexual liberation of the 1960s changed everything. Transformation was in the air, and, people took up the queer call in addition to fighting for recognition within the social, cultural, and political spheres of society. 

In the late 20th century, sexual and gender minorities yearned for a new, more positive way to refer to themselves. Identifying as “queer,” they figured, was the perfect way to take back the power from those who used that word to harm them. They used it as a weapon for change.

In this light, the definition of the word became less associated with the definition of “gay” and more of a political identity in the fight toward equal rights, inclusivity, and recognition. 

Contemporary Definition

You could ask 100 people what “queer” means to them and you’d probably get 100 different answers — even if the people you ask are queer themselves. That’s because ‘queer’ is a label that exists in defiance of labels. 

Still, there’s a broadly agreed upon definition, even if the specifics vary from person to person. Someone is queer if their sexual orientation or identity doesn’t fit within the heteronormative binary.  This means that either:

• You’re attracted to people other than those of the opposite gender (non-heterosexual)
• Your gender identity doesn’t conform with the gender identity you were assigned at birth (non-cisgender) 

There are a lot of identities that fall under the broad queer umbrella. LGBT people usually use the term “queer” to indicate that their identity doesn’t fit within any of these labels. 

Today, much of the human race (although, certainly not all of us) has come to embrace the idea that sexuality and gender expression is a spectrum, with no real need to be limited by one identity. 

Turns out, the dating experience doesn’t always fit inside a neat little box. We can make our own boxes — or, better yet, kick them to the curb completely (to be recycled, of course). 

As you can imagine, dating as a queer person can be both beautiful and challenging. It’s one part liberating rejection of labels and another part constantly reminding people of your pronouns.

Of course, queer dating experiences vary widely depending on the person’s location, intentions, and confidence. An out-and-proud person in NYC may find plenty of queer folks welcoming them into the fold, but a closeted person in a more rural area? Well, they may need to do some legwork to find a loving and accepting partner. 

Let’s talk about some of the queer dating strategies and mindsets that can help move things along.

Tips for Finding Your Tribe

As a queer person, your waking up every day and choosing to live an authentic life is an act of resistance against any who want to shame, belittle, or invalidate you. It’s certainly not an easy fight, but having like-minded friends at your side can help.

If you’re looking to connect with others in the LGBTQ+ community — whether for friendships or romantic relationships — we have a few suggestions to help with your efforts.

First of all, get on the apps! Dating sites and apps are a great place to start expanding your social circle. Some niche apps like Grindr and Taimi cater exclusively to LGBTQ+ singles, and that can be a great safe space for queerness. 

We encourage you to swipe with an open mind and chat with a lot of different people, even if they’re not strictly “your type” — sometimes people can surprise you.

Even if the spark isn’t there, you might find a new friend or a matchmaker who has a queer sibling or acquaintance to set you up with.

You may find it helpful to consume queer-focused media while you’re at it. You can learn a lot from queer-inclusive TV shows, movies, podcasts, and even social media accounts. This strategy won’t necessarily help you make IRL friends, but the stories, perspectives, and tips can give you a fuller understanding of the queer dating scene.

If apps like Grindr are too hot and heavy for you, you might want to take a turn on more low-key spaces like Bumble BFF or Lex. 

And if the apps in general freak you out – chatting with a stranger online isn’t for the faint of heart – then you can always look for in-person meetups.

“I meet most of my queer friends through a hobby or through work, personally,” said a queer person on Reddit. “Apps like Meetup.com or pride events or interest groups might be another option.”

You may also find connections in online forums or groups on Facebook, Discord, or other social networks. Search online for opportunities to connect with other LGBTQ+ folks and learn more about the community. 

Reddit, for example, has message threads for almost every gender identity or sexuality you can think of, and even those dedicated to various kinks — including pegging, prostate play, and femdom.

Challenges and Complications

The game of love is hard enough to play as it is. Add in the looming discrimination and harassment, and you’re in for a real challenge.

Harassment against the “unconventional” is still very much present in the online landscape. Homophobic people may target queer profiles with rude or derogatory remarks. That’s what the block button is for — but it can still take a mental toll to face hate speech on an app designed for love.

Unfortunately, digital safe spaces for the LGBTQ+ community have a long way to go before they catch up with the quality and quantity of their heterosexual counterparts. We also can’t deny the very simple truth that the dating pool for queer folks is relatively small.

However, with acceptance of queer identities becoming more and more normalized, this is likely to change for the better. More acceptance means more people coming out of the closet, which means more queer people making their way onto the dating apps.

Celebrating Diversity

Continuing on this wave of positivity, consider this fun fact: One in every five Gen Zers identify as LGBTQ+ people! That’s right: In spite of those whose mindsets stay stuck in the Dark Ages, change is in the air.

Acceptance of LGBTQ+ identification is at an all-time high of 84% in the U.S., and the trajectory is only expected to move upward as time goes by.

If we want to ensure that this movement continues to gather speed, it will be crucial that we stay committed to giving LGBTQ+ voices a platform (within the entertainment industry, in government, etc.), providing safe spaces for free expression, and, of course, celebrating the diverse, fluid, queer spectrum of sexuality.

Queer culture is incredibly rich and diverse. The community has developed a large support network to match. Let’s take a brief look at the many ways in which queer people have shaped the cultural zeitgeist as we know it, particularly within the context of media, community-building, and advocacy. 

Cultural Significance

If you’ve ever belted out the lyrics to “We are the Champions” by Queen, admired the luxury designs of Marc Jacobs, or recounted your favorite (albeit disturbing) scenes from “American Horror Story” (created by Ryan Murphy), you can consider yourself a witness to just how big of a mark the queer community has left on modern society.

The beloved British television series “Doctor Who” took a distinctly inclusive turn when bringing in Ncuti Gatwa to play the Fifteenth Doctor. Ncuti identifies as queer and has brought a gender-bending, joyful-representing, Rogue-kissing energy to the role.

Queer people from all walks of life have changed the way we talk, sing, dance, dress, paint, act, joke, and govern —  often in ways we don’t realize. Luckily, that’s starting to change. 

Queer representation in media and politics is more prominent than ever, and the creation of safe spaces for non-conforming individuals is of growing importance for communities all over the world. Dating apps, for example, are increasingly becoming one of those safe spaces. 

The first mainstream dating apps — Match and eharmony — were originally designed to help only heterosexuals find love. No same-sex-matchmaking was allowed. Of course, that’s not the case today. eharmony has made nonbinary gender options available.

Now we have queer-inclusive apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge, and we have safe dating spaces designed exclusively for LGBTQ+ users (Grindr, HER, and Lex, to name a few). 

Community Support

With a history of discrimination, misrepresentation, and hate on their shoulders, it’s no surprise that LGBTQ+ individuals pose a higher suicide risk than their heterosexual peers. That said, it is vital that members of the queer community feel a sense of love and belonging as they continue to fight for an equal place in society. 

Beyond dating apps, queer individuals seeking safety from the bigots and naysayers of the world can find refuge in organizations committed to nurturing an environment of inclusivity. If you feel alone, seek out local LGBTQ+ community centers, support groups, pride events, online chat rooms, healthcare centers, and progressive workplaces.

Educational Initiatives

The second half of the word “homophobia” is, of course, “phobia,” which means “a persistent, irrational fear of an object, event, activity, or situation.” An understanding of this definition is important, as it reminds us what discrimination against same-sex-attracted people is really all about: fear.

People fear what they don’t know — and, therefore, aim to deny, refute, or delegitimize it. 

So, how do we work to overcome fear? We seek to understand it and answer ignorance with knowledge. And that’s where educational initiatives come in. Check out the good works being done by these major groups:

• The Trevor Project
• GLAAD
• PFLAG

To make things better, we can incorporate comprehensive sex education and LGBTQ+ curriculums in schools. To help create safer spaces within these schools, we can also implement Gender and Sexuality Alliance clubs and anti-bullying programs. 

Outside of school, we can allocate more resources toward youth leadership and empowerment programs as well as mental health services tailored for those going through LGBTQ+-specific challenges. 

We must continue to build LGBTQ+ representation in media and politics. Hopefully, this education, advocacy, and growing exposure can make a difference, and society can replace fear of the unknown with acceptance and equal rights.

From neutral adjective to harmful slur to powerful symbol for redemption, the word “queer” has been on a wild journey. And so have those who share this identity. Despite the ignorance and pushback from those who fear what they can’t understand, our brave fellow humans who wear the term “queer” as a crown have changed every sphere of life as we know it.

To aid in fostering a safe and supported community for our LGBTQ+ peers, some dating apps are hopping on the inclusivity train and finally creating spaces for queer singles to do what each and every one of us deserves in this life: find love. There’s still plenty of growth yet to be seen, but queer people have more reason for hope for an equitable future than ever before. 

So, let’s keep on fighting the good fight, giving a microphone to voices that need to be heard, and holding space for real and authentic expression of self — no matter how afraid we are of where these changes may take us. Why? Because we’re carving that path as we speak. And that, my friends, is the tea.