Understanding LGBTQ+ in Dating: What It Really Means

Now’s a good time for a refresher on all things LGBTQ+ dating. The acronym encompasses many identities and orientations, with definitions that have evolved and expanded over time.

However, even as society progresses toward celebrating LGBTQ+ acceptance, the truth is that many LGBTQ+ individuals continue to experience challenges in dating and relationships. 

You need to ensure you’re remaining an inclusive, respectful person on all your dating adventures and giving yourself the space to explore or affirm your own identity. Read on to discover resources and terminology that will help you learn more about yourself and your partners. 

Representing a diverse community with a rich history, the LGBTQ+ acronym is important to thoroughly understand as you explore. Knowing what it stands for can help you get more in touch with yourself, and will make it easier to navigate the LGBTQ+ dating scene at large.

L is For Lesbian

Lesbians are women who are exclusively sexually and romantically attracted to other women. 

G is For Gay

The “gay” in LGBTQ+ typically refers to men who are exclusively sexually and romantically attracted to other men. 

However, it’s common for both lesbian and bisexual people to refer to themselves as “gay.” This umbrella term is up for grabs. After all, individual identification is always ultimately for you to decide!

B is For Bisexual

Bisexual people truly get the best of both worlds in the dating arena. They are sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women.

T is For Transgender

Transgender people identify with a gender different than the sex that was assigned to them at birth. 

There’s some outdated terminology out there that tends to focus on genitalia, or the changing of physical sex. Note that the degree to which one can identify with the transgender label does not depend on whether they’ve received surgeries or “pass” for their gender.

Q is for Queer

An umbrella term for individuals who are not straight or cisgender, “queer” is often used by those who reject specific labels, those who identify with gender or sexual identities that they feel are not adequately represented within the spectrum of LGBTQ+, or those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and/or transgender but who simply prefer the term “queer.”

“Queer” has historically been used as a derogatory term against the LGBTQ+ community. However, starting in the 1980s, LGBTQ+ people began to reclaim it. Today, it’s a proud identifier for some… and a pain point for others. 

If you don’t feel that the word is right for you, you don’t need to identify with it; when meeting someone new, recognize that they may respond differently to the term than you do depending on their own experiences. 

+ is For Everything Else

The + sign represents all other identities that are not captured within the acronym. This can include being intersex, asexual, or nonbinary. Since gender and sexuality are incredibly complex, no one term will perfectly address every nuance.

LGBTQ+ doesn’t capture the full spectrum of identities, and many people may prefer varied terminology to describe their personal experiences. 

To avoid limiting any potential sexual or romantic partner within the confines of something they don’t truly identify with, it’s important to use accurate and inclusive language like the below whenever possible. 

• Asexual: Asexual people do not experience sexual desires or attraction to others.
• Cisgender: Cisgender people identify with the sex they were assigned at birth. 
• Intersex: Intersex individuals are born with both male and female biological characteristics. Up to 1.7% of the global population are born with intersex traits.
• Fluid: A gender-fluid individual does not identify with a singular, fixed gender. Their gender can shift and change, depending on personal circumstance. 
• Nonbinary: Nonbinary people identify with a gender identity that does not fit under traditional gender standards, which dictate all people to be either exclusively male or female. 
• Pansexual: Pansexual people can experience sexual or romantic attraction to anyone, regardless of their sex or gender. 

LGBTQ+ people are not defined by their physical traits, and they may have any gender identity or sexual orientation under the sun.

Unfortunately, many members of the LGBTQ+ community continue to struggle while seeking love, sex, or companionship. Oftentimes, pervasive issues, ranging from discrimination to fetishization, come from prejudiced individuals outside the community. 

Discrimination and Stigma

LGBTQ+ people still face significant discrimination. According to the FBI’s 2022 annual crime report, anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes in the U.S. saw a 13.8% increase in reports based on sexual orientation and a 32.9% increase in reports based on gender identity. 

What’s more, transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to be victims of violent crime. 

LGBTQ+ people can be unfairly stigmatized while dating as well. The stereotypes levied upon queer folks range from “hypersexual” to “dirty.” Their status as LGBTQ+ is even cast into doubt – have you ever seen strangers tell two lesbians that they must just be really good friends? Or perhaps they haven’t met the right man yet?

These misunderstandings have a serious real-world impact. In a 2019 report, LGBTQ+ people in the state of Michigan reported that they experienced stigma and discrimination in employment, housing, and public accommodations.

If you’re afraid to present as LGBTQ+, especially while out in public with a partner, know that your fears are not unreasonable. 

Let’s discuss ways to stay safe and LGBTQ+-focused resources you can seek out at any time.

Online Harassment

In a 2021 GLAAD survey, 64% of social media users who identified as LGBTQ+ reported experiencing online harassment or targeted hate speech. 

This cyberbullying can come in the form of snide comments or subtweets. It can also be more sinister acts like stalking or threatening direct messages. 

Just because these things happen online doesn’t make them any less real, and LGBTQ+ individuals may find themselves longing for respite.

If you’re looking for a safer online space, check out perspectives from Dan Leveille, founder of Equaldex, on how queer individuals are continuing to find love free from harassment.

Fetishizers

Fetishization occurs when LGBTQ+ people are reduced solely to their bodies and/or identities. Instead of being seen as real, whole people, they’re simply seen as “cute gay guys” or “a couple of hot lesbians.”

For instance, popular media and pornographic content have influenced many straight men to treat lesbians as objects for their sexual satisfaction. Instead of seeing a lesbian couple as a real couple simply existing in public, they might unfairly project their fantasies onto them and make sexually inappropriate commentary. 

Combined with jokes about “turning lesbians straight,” this form of fetishization is extremely invalidating.

Additionally, media such as fanfiction, webcomics, and young adult queer romance novels provide skewed, fetishized depictions of gay relationships. These stereotypical descriptions often include multiple inaccurate and highly graphic sex scenes that contribute to false ideas about what gay relationships actually are–and they’re much more than just sex.

Finally, transgender individuals may face fetishization from “chasers” or those who specifically seek trans people for no other reason than the fact that they are trans. 

Chasing-based fetishization reinforces the harmful idea that people can be reduced to only their gender identities or sexualities. In reality, multifaceted LGBTQ+ people of all types have so much more to offer.

Unfortunately, people don’t have to respect you just because they want to have sex with you or find you attractive. It’s important to note that fetishization is not the same thing as true equality or acceptance.

Despite the difficulties the LGBTQ+ community faces, there’s so much to celebrate, and there are so many resources out there to help you do so! Whether you’re searching for counseling to help you talk through a traumatic experience or a dating app that lets you be your true self, we’ve got them all.

Organizations and Communities for LGBTQ+ Individuals

If you’re feeling lonely and longing to join a group of people more like yourself, you can find LGBTQ+ community centers all around the world. From Durham, North Carolina, to Detroit, Michigan, many groups welcome newcomers with open arms.

In New York City, The Gay Center hosts youth groups, organizes recreational activities, provides counseling, and participates in important advocacy work.

Headquartered in D.C., the National LGBTQ Task Force works to move LGBTQ+-related policy goals forward nationwide. The nonprofit hosts the annual Creating Change Conference as well as state-specific grassroots engagement efforts. 

College-aged LGBTQ+ youth can locate an LGBTQ+ support center on their campus by using a locator developed by the Consortium of Higher Education’s LGBTQ+ Resource Professionals.

Counseling and Coaching

Support is always available to help you through tough times. If you are a young person struggling in an environment that doesn’t affirm and accept your identity, The Trevor Project offers an extensive library of resources for talking about gender identity and sexuality. The nonprofit organization also has 24/7 crisis support services, including a suicide hotline, a phone number for texting, and an online chat function.

If you’re seeking more personalized care, you can use Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist function and filter under specialties or sexualities for LGBTQ+ Affirming.