What Does “Fluid” Mean in the Dating World?

When I run into an unfamiliar term or phrase on a dating app profile, I look the term up before I swipe right. I think it’s important to learn about the different ways people identify and the different types of relationships on offer.

In the context of dating, the term “fluid” can refer to a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or approach to relationships.

Being fluid, by definition, means not having a fixed identity or orientation. Understanding the nuances and context of fluid dating is crucial if you want to be an informed dater.

Embracing fluidity in dating can be rewarding and affirming, but it requires clear communication between partners as well as acknowledgment of the challenges that fluid daters often face. Below, we’ve broken down everything you need to know to better navigate the world of fluid dating.

Sexual Fluidity | Gender Fluidity | Relationship Fluidity | Context & Usage | Challenges | Support Resources

The dating scene is full of people with diverse backgrounds and identities, which makes keeping up with the terminology important. When you know the lingo, you can date with a better understanding and create a more inclusive experience for your potential partners. 

For example,a few weeks ago, I swiped on a profile that identified as “gray” in terms of orientation. I didn’t know what that meant. My first thought was honestly: Did they misspell gay?

I looked it up and learned that people who identify as “gray” are on the asexual spectrum. Asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction. They might be repulsed by sex or simply not care about it. Some asexual people enjoy the experience of sex but don’t feel any particular attraction toward anyone. 

Being gray ace, as the name implies, means occupying a gray area. You could fall into any of the traditional categories at any given time or even experience full sexual attraction. However, you only experience those feelings occasionally or under specific circumstances. In other words, their asexuality is fluid. 

At the end of the day, people don’t always fit into neat little boxes. Sex, gender, and identity are messy, complex, and not easily defined by one word. 

Fluidity is a way to both describe and embrace those gray areas, and learning about the different ways people use fluidity to identify themselves has majorly improved my dating experience. 

Sexual Fluidity

Someone who is sexually fluid is open to their sexuality changing over time or in different situations. This is often associated with an attraction to people regardless of gender identity, but people can develop new preferences at any time. 

A person’s sexual preference can change and evolve over time. For instance, they might prefer men when they are younger and then feel attracted to women later on in life. Or they may be attracted to certain personality traits, regardless of gender identity.

Someone who is demisexual may experience little to no sexual attraction most of the time but may feel sexual attraction when sharing a deep emotional bond with someone.

Being sexually fluid differs from fixed sexual orientation in that changes can occur in the short term and long term. It’s all about keeping options and minds open. 

It’s important to note that sexual fluidity is not always an identity on its own (though it can be for some people). There aren’t any sexual orientation police out there keeping tabs on your preferences. If you’re straight and experience attraction to a nonbinary or genderfluid person, you don’t necessarily stop being straight unless you decide to stop identifying that way. You’re the only one who can decide your identity. 

Gender Fluidity

Gender fluidity refers to a change in a person’s gender expression,  gender identity, or both. Gender-fluid individuals may be misconstrued as transgender or nonbinary since their gender identities don’t match the sex assigned to them at birth, but not everyone who experiences changes in their gender expression identifies as genderfluid. 

Terms such as “gender expansive” and “gender diverse” are used in similar contexts as “gender fluidity” to emphasize the inclusion of people with wider, more flexible ranges of gender identity and expression.

Like with sexual fluidity, gender fluidity may or may not constitute an identity on its own, depending on the individual. For instance, a person who identifies as cisgender but still experiences variations in gender expression can also be genderfluid. 

When I match with someone who uses they/them or similar pronouns on their profile, I don’t make assumptions. And I don’t push for definitions from them, either. Instead, I create a safe space where potential partners can disclose important information when they want and on their terms.

Labels give us a glimpse into how a person identifies, but they don’t tell the whole story. I never put someone into a box simply because of the way they identify. People experience their sexualities and gender identities in diverse ways—after all, everyone is different.

Relationship Fluidity

A person can identify as fluid in their relationship style, and that is totally separate from LGBTQ+ identities. People in fluid relationships are open to changing norms and circumstances in their lives together.

That could mean going from an open relationship to a triad to a closed monogamous relationship. It could mean agreeing to go to therapy to deal with conflict. Or deciding to change which partner is the breadwinner if things aren’t working as is. 

People in fluid relationships go with the flow and keep options open. They are not set in their ways, and that works for them.

Sexual and gender fluidity has likely existed in some form for ages, but the term only gained documentation and cultural significance recently. 

In the early 2000s, psychologist Lisa Diamond’s studies of 80 non-heterosexual women observed sexually fluid behaviors; her 2008 book “Sexual Fluidity” sheds light on the concept. The informative book focuses on the changes in women’s sexuality over time and shows that love and attraction come in many different forms.

Labels can be limiting. Sexually fluid people celebrate change, so they’re naturally opposed to labels. Fluid people may avoid labels to better enjoy nonjudgmental relationships with all types of people. 

“Genderfluid has been explained to me as five different things by five different people,” said Drew in a Facebook Group for genderfluid people. “How do I interpret it when someone identifies as genderfluid?” 

On the other hand, some people may find labels liberating. It can feel freeing to identify with a distinct group and take pride in your identity and community, especially if you’ve experienced marginalization in the past. 

Generational Perspectives

Mainstream social understanding of fluidity is still growing. I think it’s fair to say that attitudes vary across generations. I was born in 2000, making me firmly Gen Z (but I still remember VHS, landlines, and when the first iPhone came out).

My generation has largely embraced queerness and the spectrum of identities that fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. I can’t imagine navigating a dating scene that isn’t as inclusive and diverse as it is now.

I was recently talking about gender identities with my parents, who are progressive Gen Xers. My younger sibling identifies as non-binary, and, at first, my parents were having a difficult time understanding. It was upsetting and often tumultuous for my sibling to have to explain themself to my parents, who seemed to just not get it.

I talked to them about gender and identity, prompting them with questions about their own experience of gender and expression. I leaned on high-quality resources to help my parents understand that my sibling’s experience was nothing to be afraid of — it was to be celebrated.

Older generations are more likely to express discomfort with fluidity and how it strays from traditional gender roles and relationship dynamics. 

During those conversations with my parents, they commented on how open my generation is about LGBTQ+ identities. When they were young, they didn’t have the language or safety to think about or express such things.

But fluidity isn’t a new concept. Some members of older generations may also identify as fluid. Their forms of expression might be more muted simply because they were shaped by a time when it was less acceptable to be openly fluid. 

As society progresses toward continued understanding, the tones and terminology used while discussing fluid identities continue to evolve. We’re getting better, and listening to people who identify as fluid will only deepen our understanding.

Navigating Modern Relationships

Always keep an open mind, and don’t be closed off to different ideas or ways of dating. Before writing a fluid person off, ask yourself whether it’s because you’re not interested or because you just need to get to know them better. 

Remember that you and your partner may be coming from different backgrounds or experiences, but with clear communication, you can make it work. 

We all bring our own stories and beliefs into our relationships — this is what makes relationships incredible, transformative, and life-giving experiences.

An adult commitment means a promise to honor each other’s perspectives and maintain mutual respect in your relationship. One of my dating goals is to never be afraid to show up as myself, and I try my best to never immediately pass judgment on someone when they do the same.

We need to focus on treating each other with dignity and respect.

Unfortunately, individuals who identify as fluid face significant social stigma. 

It’s important that you become acquainted with possible difficulties as you consider how you want to navigate your personal life or as you learn how to best support a fluid partner. With clear communication and each other’s best interests in mind, you can totally overcome these challenges.

Stigma and Discrimination

People with fluid identities are sometimes regarded as “confused” or “pretending.” These kinds of hurtful assumptions are based on the ideals of heteronormativity, which stigmatize every person who identifies outside of being cisgender and heterosexual.

Fluid people defy traditional gender norms, and the discrimination that comes with this causes significant harm. I think it’s important to amplify the empowering and affirming stories of people with identities that fall outside what some may consider the “norm.”

But fluid individuals, like many people who fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, can encounter systemic discrimination. In addition to discriminatory comments and actions, gender-diverse individuals often experience violence in healthcare settings. 

This includes forced psychiatric evaluations, unwanted surgeries, sterilization, and other coercive medical procedures. Though it can be scary and uncomfortable, equipping yourself with an understanding of the current climate toward fluid individuals is important so you are able to seek support.

Clear Communication in Dating

When you’re getting to know someone new, there will be moments of confusion and awkwardness. Dating a fluid-identifying person is no different. The preferences of you or your partner may change, so maintaining clear, open lines of communication is important.

While in the early stages of dating…

• You can ask your partner if they’re comfortable sharing more with you about how they currently identify
• Ask them about what they’re looking for
• Share where you are in your journey — be upfront and genuine 
• If there are sexual or romantic boundaries you’d like to set, do so as early on as possible

Then, as the relationship progresses…

• Set aside time to check in on how emotions and desires are shifting.
• Stay open to discussing how you can best support each other through changes.

It’s never too late to start taking steps toward understanding and embracing fluidity in your dating life. 

If you have previously struggled with your gender identity or sexual orientation, this journey can lead to self-discovery and acceptance. You can leave any struggle with your identity in the past and embrace an experience that’s self-realized, authentic, and fully embodied.

So many resources are at your fingertips when you’re ready to explore what fluidity means to you.

Online resources:

• The Trevor Project offers free resources to learn more about gender and sexual identities. 
• LGBT Life Center of Norfolk, Virginia, offers 12 support groups — many of which are dedicated to LGBTQ+ and gender-diverse individuals. New members can access these resources via Zoom, which means you can attend in your pajamas if you want. 

In-person support:

• You can search for dedicated support groups at LGBTQ+ centers or out of therapists’ practices in your specific city.
• Self-discovery can be difficult on your own. This Find a Therapist tool allows you to filter for LGBTQ+-affirming therapists who are uniquely equipped to understand fluid-identifying struggles. 

With the right resources and a supportive community in place, you can gain the knowledge and language you need to navigate ever-changing dating situations.

As you find your way in the dating scene, don’t be afraid to be flexible and fluid. With the right support system, resources, and people in your life, a little exploration can teach you important lessons about your preferences and your identity. 

Although it can be daunting to come to terms with a newfound sexual identity or a new relationship type, it’s easier than ever now to find an understanding and positive community. 

Stay open to trying new things. Learn about other viewpoints. And, most importantly, respect the identities of others. With love and empathy, you can ensure that the dating experience remains as positive as possible — and that everyone feels seen and included.