How To Make The Law Of Detachment Work For You

Women's Dating

How to Make the Law of Detachment Work for You

John Stonehill

Written by: John Stonehill

John Stonehill

John Stonehill is a fresh voice to date blogging with a sprinkle of heart and a dash of personality. With recent appearances on ABC News, Fox and The Chew, see what all the buzz is about at

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Yes, it might be a line from Damone’s five-point plan in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High,” but there’s something we can all learn from it. It’s called the Law of Detachment.

You’ve heard it from “Fast Times,” Deepak Chopra and even “Dazed and Confused,” and they’re all touching on the same concept: Set and work toward a goal but detach yourself from the result.

Nothing can be truer when it comes to dating.

Set your goals of what you want out of a relationship, but detach yourself from your date enough that you keep perspective.

When your goal becomes the person too early on, you might try to make something work that just doesn’t work.

We’ve all heard a friend talk about a relationship and say “I loved the idea of him.” Very often, it’s because their goal became the person.

They became attached to the result of making it work no matter how unfulfilling the relationship was. The boyfriend became the measurement of success rather than if they were happy with the boyfriend.

“There’s no excuse to attach

yourself to the wrong partner.”

When you attach your definition of success to the person, you’ll put up with whatever shit they give you because your goal is making it work with the person rather than seeing if you’re happy with this person in the first place.

One of my best friends is in a relationship with a girl who treats him like a dung beetle and he says, “Thank you, ma’am. May I have another?” He’s become attached to her rather than what he wants out of a relationship.

There are always choices out there.

Yes, the douches are far more visible to the naked eye than the good ones, but that’s no excuse to attach yourself to the wrong partner because you think there’s no one else.

I had a laundry list of what I was looking for. I imagined my wife would be six to 10 years younger. Nope, we’re the same age. I imagined she’d be in the same political party. Negative, though I’m still working on that one.

But she is beautiful, smart, funny, silly, adventurous, active, loves to travel, and wants a kid. She had so much of what I was looking for, and though dating is never perfect, I was happy with her in my life.

We closed the deal not because we attached ourselves to each other and had to make it work, but because we made each other happy.

The goal was to be happy.

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