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Reader question: I met this gorgeous girl about a month ago. She’s very nice, but she would take three days to respond to me when we first started talking.
She hasn’t texted me first at all. She responds when I text her, but she would also take forever to respond.
I saw her online on Facebook and she doesn’t say anything, so I’m confused.
Why do I get the feeling she isn’t that interested anymore?
Aren’t women just the worst? One minute we’re all up in your telecommunications grill and the next it’s Siberia.
I tell you, baby, I do not envy you guys. If men are mystifying to women, women must seem like complete aliens to men.
But isn’t that part of what makes courtship so much fun – the adventure of it? Be honest. If you always knew where you stood with a girl, it wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable or exhilarating to woo her.
Let’s talk about your lady. She communicates erratically. She expresses interest but doesn’t always do so with all speed.
There are two possibilities:
The advances of men we don’t like make us very uncomfortable, so if we really don’t like you, we will try to make it crystal clear.
For example, she might:
If you think about it, you always know when the door is really closed and when you should give up and move on.
But that is not the case here. She likes you, or at least she has not yet decided she doesn’t like you. I could end my advice with there is a chance, man!!! Go for it!!
“Don’t interpret her lack of
communication as rejection.”
“If she likes me, why doesn’t she show it more?” And I want to deal with this question, too.
Is she dating other guys, and is her affection waffling back and forth between you and them? Maybe. Is it her natural communication style to let you, the man, do the initiating? Very possibly. Is it simply she is sometimes very busy with work, life, friends and family? Probably.
The real answer is it doesn’t matter and you should stop asking this question. The reasons other people do what they do is none of your business.
In the end, if we could realize we are all aliens to each other, we would spare ourselves so much suffering and empower so much joy.
An individual’s behavior arises from a complex and completely unique network of past experiences, hopes, fears, beliefs and ideals. You could spend a lifetime trying to figure someone out and never really get there.
But again, that’s what makes romance and relationships so marvelous. There is always more to discover, even when you share a life with someone for decades.
Maybe one day you will tire of her erratic communications, your affections will diminish and the answer to question one will be no. Fine. Time to move on.
As long as the answer is yes, then all you need to decide right now is what you want to do about that. I emphasize right now because it’s important that when you contact her, it feels good to you.
For example, you see her on Facebook. Her chat doesn’t come. You grow annoyed. You feel insecure.
At that point, sending her a “Hey, what’s up?” probably doesn’t feel good because your own insecurity is fueling it. Likewise, texting her when you worry you are bothering her probably doesn’t feel that good either.
In these situations, usually the action that feels best is just to do nothing. Live your awesome life.
Contact her only when you are feeling good, when you genuinely want to know how her day is going and when you wouldn’t mind getting no response for hours or days.
When you are just seeking some reassurance that she’s interested, go for a run instead. You will be surprised by how much more quickly messages get responses when you follow this advice.
I encourage you to make it your job, as the man, to do all of the pursuing and initiating.
Let me tell you a story about a man named Gianluca. I met him when I was living in Italy, and he invited me to meet him in Venice for our first date.
He was a complete gentleman. He carried my bag. He navigated the labyrinthine streets. He paid for dinner.
When he kissed me, I swooned a little, but I didn’t want it to go further that evening. He kept putting his hands in certain places. I kept pushing them away.
He was respectful – he always stopped when I asked him to – but he could not contain his desire. He kept making advances even when I gently resisted.
Most importantly, he never took my resistance as rejection. I was still kissing him, after all.
That evening ended with a kiss, but Gianluca’s confidence, courage and persistence eventually won me over.
To a woman who has even a little interest in a man, there is nothing more disarming than to feel pursued and desired. It brings out our most feminine selves and makes you a masculine man in our eyes. What could be better than that?
She is still communicating with you. She hasn’t closed the door. When she does that, you will know, so don’t interpret her lack of communication as rejection.
As long as you still like her, message her when you want to know how her day is. Call her when you want to talk to her. Invite her out when you want to see her. Be bold and confident.
Good luck, darling. I have given you a secret weapon here. I hope you will wield it with loving kindness and gentlemanly charm.