Dating Coach Connell Barrett Says Sober Dates Are the Way to Go

A growing number of people are sober or looking to drink less, and young people are leading the charge. According to one study, 19% of Gen Zers do not drink alcohol at all. 

An even larger number of people of all generations are looking to cut back on their drinking, and nonalcoholic options — like mocktails or THC drinks — are skyrocketing in popularity.

Significantly, most people looking to cut back on drinking aren’t doing it because of addiction or trauma related to alcohol. They’re doing it simply because they don’t want to drink. 

“Ten years ago, saying ‘I’m sober’ on a date would feel like a confession,” dating coach Connell Barrett told us. “Now, it’s a flex.”

Connell has seen sober daters he works with have a much smoother dating experience.

And Connell says that more people — regardless of whether they drink alcohol in general — should consider sober dates. 

To some Gen Xers and Baby Boomers, the idea of exclusively going on sober first dates may seem strange and awkward. How would you break the ice? But Connell told us that 65% of millennials and Gen Zers actually prefer to date sober.

When you’re sober, Connell said, you can “show up as the most true, real, grounded version of you. You’re not catching a buzz from the alcohol. You’re catching a buzz off your own self-confidence and hopefully catching a buzz off the other person and the connection you make.”

Even if you don’t have a problem with alcohol, it can feel awkward not to drink in an environment where drinking is the norm. If you would rather date sober, going to a bar might seem pointless, and it may mean that your date ends up drinking while you don’t.

You may be okay with that, but it’s probably not ideal for a first date.

That’s why Connell suggests going on dates where drinking wouldn’t make sense in the first place. Why set yourself and your date up for an awkward conversation or an energy mix-up?

Increasingly, drinking isn’t an assumed part of life; it’s something that everyone must choose or avoid for themselves. — Connell Barrett

“If you want to date sober, you should choose a place where alcohol won’t even be a question,” Connell said. “Go to museums or coffee shops where you can play board games. Activity dates are great — anything that’s focused on activities and not alcohol makes it easy to not even worry about whether anybody is going to have a drink.”

Outside of drinking, activity dates are great options because they both require some planning and show off your interests. Ideally, any potential partner will share some hobbies with you.

If you love rock climbing, for instance, taking your date to the local climbing gym can be a fun way to get to know each other.

When all of your dates revolve around getting drinks at a bar, each individual date can start to lose its magic. Maybe you have one place you go on each first date. It becomes a routine, as opposed to an exciting way to show your interest in one new and unique person.

Remember that sobriety doesn’t need to be an obstacle in your dating or your life, as long as you frame it positively. Plan dates that don’t revolve around drinking, and alcohol shouldn’t be an issue.

If you’re used to drinking on dates, you may be thinking: How will I be funny? What if I’m too awkward to date sober?

But Connell assured us that once you start abstaining from alcohol on dates, you’ll realize that alcohol isn’t helping as much as you might think. “If you date sober, you realize there’s really no such thing as liquid courage,” he said.

When you drink, you might notice that you’re more talkative and less prone to social anxiety. You may be less likely to overthink your words or regret a misstep in the conversation. 

But alcohol isn’t making you better; it’s taking away your self-awareness. You’re not actually better at darts when you’re drinking. According to Connell, “Alcohol doesn’t give you courage; it dulls the little voice of self-doubt.”

After a few drinks, that first kiss might feel easy. But so much of early dating is about the excitement and anticipation of taking the next move. You should be nervous about a first kiss; that’s part of what makes it special. 

“If you date sober, you get to decide to use actual courage and go for the scary thing,” Connell said. “There’s so much more growth and connection if you choose courage on your own.”

Still, you may have some added anxiety about going into a sober date, and that isn’t always productive. To help the date go smoothly, Connell suggests coming a bit prepared.

“Have a back pocket topic so you never worry about having something to say,” he advised. The conversation will probably flow naturally after the first few minutes, but this way, you don’t need to worry about hitting a lull.

Being sober doesn’t need to feel like a burden, but it is a big potential difference in lifestyle. As such, Connell thinks it should come up pretty immediately.

“It’s good to let people know from the get-go if you don’t drink,” he said. “You can put it on your profile in ways that give clarity as to how you feel about being sober, but can also be flirty and playful.” 

Connell suggested adding a line to your profile like: “I’m sober, but I’ll get a buzz from you.” 

If you frame your sobriety as simply a positive part of your identity, it will attract the right people.

You may be concerned that being sober will repel certain people from your profile. While most people will see your sobriety as neutral or positive, if some people don’t want to date a sober person, that’s okay. You don’t want to date that person, either.

“Your online dating profile is just a piece of digital marketing that’s designed to attract people who are your type, and it’s okay to push away people who aren’t your type,” Connell said. If alcohol is a big part of a person’s life, they probably aren’t for you.

At the same time, Connell recommends that you don’t limit yourself to sober daters. “That does limit your potential pool of daters,” he said. “I recommend that you tell your dates up front that you don’t drink alcohol, and that gives that person valuable information.”

The stigma against sobriety is rapidly fading. Some people will be perfectly fine having a drink themselves while out with someone who’s sober, while others still will naturally cut back their drinking as they don’t want to drink alone. 

My partner and I both drink, but at various points, one of us has temporarily stopped or decreased drinking for health or fitness. Generally, that means the other one stops, too. 

Ultimately, if you’re going to connect with your date, it won’t matter to them that you’re not drinking. “Any date is just a vehicle for connection,” Connell said. “It’s really all about dating with vulnerability, authenticity, and integrity.”