I Have a List of Desirable Traits. Why is it Difficult for Women to Commit?

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Written by: Dr. Wendy Walsh

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Known as America's Relationship Expert, Dr. Wendy Walsh is an award-winning television journalist, radio host & podcaster, and the author of three books on relationships and thousands of print and digital articles. More than 1.5 million people follow her sage advice on social media. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and teaches in the Psychology Department at California State University Channel Islands and has been the host of "The Dr. Wendy Walsh Show" on iHeart Radio's KFI AM 640 since 2015. Walsh is also a former Emmy-nominated co-host of "The Doctors," as well as former host of the nationally syndicated show "EXTRA." She was named a Time Magazine Person of the Year in 2017 after speaking out about harassment at a major news network.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Reader Question:

Me: 46 years old, African-American male, professional career, homeowner, good looking, 20-year-old son. I date outside of my race. I am in very good shape.

It seems as much as women want to have a committed relationship, they don’t want to commit to me. I do have a “list” of desirable traits — attractive, able to take care of her finances, a social or nondrinker and someone who is willing and able to travel and do things.

Why is it difficult for women to commit when I give outward signs of wanting to be in a committed relationship?

-Mark (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Mark,

Yes, too many women are behaving like men (or how they THINK men behave) and are avoiding commitment. Having said that, I will tell you there are still far more women who want a secure attachment than not.

I’m wondering why you might seem to be attracted to women who avoid a solid bond. Could this be your choice in targets?

My suggestion would be to talk to women whom you might not initially be attracted to and see if you warm up to them. Sometimes our inability to find a secure relationship is related to our fears of abandonment.

In other words, we chose partners who can’t get close to protect us from becoming “dangerously” close and risk abandonment.

Try dating the kind of person you have never, ever dated before. Go slow. And pay attention to your feelings along the way.

Do you become easily jealous, want to control her time or want to seal the deal too fast? The trick is to contain yourself and quell your own fears.

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