I Have a List of Desirable Traits. Why is it Difficult for Women to Commit?

Dr. Wendy Walsh
Dr. Wendy Walsh Updated:
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Reader Question:

Me: 46 years old, African-American male, professional career, homeowner, good looking, 20-year-old son. I date outside of my race. I am in very good shape.

It seems as much as women want to have a committed relationship, they don’t want to commit to me. I do have a “list” of desirable traits — attractive, able to take care of her finances, a social or nondrinker and someone who is willing and able to travel and do things.

Why is it difficult for women to commit when I give outward signs of wanting to be in a committed relationship?

-Mark (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Mark,

Yes, too many women are behaving like men (or how they THINK men behave) and are avoiding commitment. Having said that, I will tell you there are still far more women who want a secure attachment than not.

I’m wondering why you might seem to be attracted to women who avoid a solid bond. Could this be your choice in targets?

My suggestion would be to talk to women whom you might not initially be attracted to and see if you warm up to them. Sometimes our inability to find a secure relationship is related to our fears of abandonment.

In other words, we chose partners who can’t get close to protect us from becoming “dangerously” close and risk abandonment.

Try dating the kind of person you have never, ever dated before. Go slow. And pay attention to your feelings along the way.

Do you become easily jealous, want to control her time or want to seal the deal too fast? The trick is to contain yourself and quell your own fears.


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