How to Walk (Not Fall!) in Love in 8 Steps

You lock eyes. You feel a tingle in your stomach. Your heart rate increases. A smile spontaneously creeps around the corner of your lips. These are the physiological reactions to falling in love. And if you’re lucky enough to have ever experienced the idea of falling in love, you know how delicious the feeling is. Falling in love doesn’t just feel like a drug – it actually activates the exact same brain areas as a chemical drug.

But here’s the downside: The neurohormones associated with the early stages of a relationship might feel good, but they are addictive – and what’s worse, they reduce our ability to discern. We see only perfection in our future partner, and we want to see more and more of them. We want to hold onto that “love high” by moving quickly into a relationship to keep it forever. In some ways, falling in romantic love is an emotional hijacking. We are taken hostage by hormones.

Now, all of this is well and good, if we came from a healthy family, have a secure attachment style, and can move away quickly at the first sign of an unstable partner. But most of us didn’t have that and are more likely to fall in love with hope, rather than the reality of who that person really is. 

Lust chemicals are the most plausible explanation for why people fall in love with hurtful partners. The internet is awash with stories of women being taken by con men or emotionally injured by narcissists. And it also has stories of men whose perfect brides turned out to be gold diggers or cheaters. So often we blame the lovelorn, when in fact, we should blame the drug.

So how does one avoid becoming seduced by neurohormones that make for poor decisions? If you’ve got a history of  sharing a bed, your heart, or your money too early, here are some tips to help you keep your head straight while your heart is pounding.

If you are more worried that a potential mate will abandon you than be a good match for you, then you are dating at a disadvantage. You must be ready to walk away early instead of getting attached to something that can hurt you.

When your eyes get overwhelmed with beauty, you’ll make all kinds of excuses for bad behavior. Try dating someone who is kind and smart and get attracted to their inner beauty.

If you’re someone who goes overboard with gifts and wild spending at the beginning of relationships, learn to look for reciprocity. Only give if you are getting something fairly equal back. For instance, if you’ve paid for three dinners, because your new partner makes less money than you, it may be time for them to pack a picnic for you are do something else nice for you.

There is no such things as no-strings-attached-sex. When two people share bodies and ignite neurochemicals in each other, there is a memory forever. Sex is an intimate experience and should be treated as such. Respect that one of you may become attached through sex.

Forget the games and be upfront about who you are, what you want, and how you are feeling. Emotional intimacy is the glue for long-term love.

Even if your date seems perfect. Don’t do booty calls. Don’t cancel plans because of a last-minute invitation. Practice self-care.

Celebrate when inappropriate mates leave early. The goal of catching a like-minded mate, is achieved by letting the wrong one’s swim away.

Did we not learn anything from ReesaTeesa? Slowing down lets you gather information and make informed decisions.

Remember, learning to intentional date takes time and practice. Don’t beat yourself up if you get duped by love again. Each time you will get smarter and eventually learn to slowly walk into love instead of fall blindly into love. Relationships are far more about skill than luck.