Reader Question:
I tend to have sex early on when meeting a guy, and then I worry about still getting to know him or if he really will try to get to know me.
I am dating a guy now. We’ve been seeing each other for five weeks and I have made it clear from the beginning I’m not looking for anything casual. He has said we are exclusive. He also has made it clear he understands I want something real (a relationship) and he says he’s not going anywhere.
We had sex early on and still have sex. It doesn’t feel wrong and I do really feel he likes me, but we have already had arguments. I believe it’s because I’m getting attached to him on an emotional level already (mainly because of the sex).
Should I stop having sex with him and make it clear we should still get to know each other better?
-Naomi (Georgia)
Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:
Dear Naomi,
I wish you had read my book “The 30-Day Love Detox” before you met this guy. It explains that having sex within 30 days of meeting someone sets you up to be broken up within one year.
It’s clear that putting the cart before the horse (sex before commitment) is making you feel insecure because the relationship is still so fragile. You can try to stop having sex with him, but it usually doesn’t work, as men tend to feel manipulated by this tactic.
All you can do is to work on containing yourself and try not to get too clingy.
Also, it is imperative you talk to him about your feelings.
Let him know you had sex with him earlier than you would have liked because you are so attracted to him. Then explain your perfect female biology creates oxytocin during sex that is the female bonding hormone.
Tell him you understand men fall in love slower and need to really trust someone first. Then continue to show him you are trustworthy, kind and healthy – all things men are attracted to.
If he’s really a commitment-oriented guy who is not emotionally avoidant, he’ll be able to handle your emotional communication. If he dismisses you, then you need to ask yourself if he’s the one for you.
When we have early sex, the pleasure centers of the brain are stimulated by so many neurotransmitters and hormones that it is very difficult to make a clear decision about love.
It’s love’s big delusion. Only time will tell if this is the real deal.
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