Reader Question:
I have been dating a guy I really like for almost a month now. Last weekend he had a friend that he didn’t offer many details about come and stay with him. We have not discussed being sexually exclusive, but I am not sure if I should approach the question of “Did they or didn’t they?”
We have been sexually active together and I feel I should know if this is not exclusive sexually, but I don’t want to rush things with the question. I am new to dating again after a long-term relationship and I don’t want to mess things up.
What should I do?
-John (North Carolina)
Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:
Dear John,
This is the tragedy of modern dating. People seem to be so afraid of abandonment that they can’t even ask for relationship definition before they expose their heart and their bloodstream to a new suitor.
It seems you may have put the cart before the horse. Research shows couples who express love or commitment before the onset of the sexual relationship have a more positive passion turning point when they do have sex.
I know there is subtle pressure in the gay community to lead with sexual attraction. Since men are more able than women to separate the physical act of sex from the emotions of love, sex for sex’s sake is more accepted in the gay community.
But you are not that guy! You value monogamy and get attached.
So I suggest you introduce your new partner to your sensitive side. If he bails because you want to be exclusive, good riddance.
I mean, you’re not asking him to marry you. You’re just asking him to focus on one relationship at a time. And that’s not asking for much.
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