Why Do Lesbians Move In So Quickly? 7 Tips to Put on the Brakes

I’m sure you’ve heard that old joke: “What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul.” 

It’s a running gag that’s been floating around queer spaces for decades. Yes, it’s a funny stereotype, but it actually touches on something very real. Many lesbian couples do move in together quickly. But why?

“Met in the summer, moved across the country together that winter. That was like 15 years ago and we’re still super stoked on each other.” — denim_skirt on Reddit

The U-Haul lesbian trope started out as a joke by comedian Lea DeLaria in the 1990s and basically stems from the idea that queer women tend to build emotional intimacy quickly. I’m talking about having hours-long heart-to-hearts and trading trauma stories within the first week of meeting. 

Such emotional closeness will have two people eyeing apartment listings before they’ve even left the cupcake stage and had their first real couple’s argument.

It isn’t always the right move. Moving in too fast can cause stress, confusion, and sometimes heartbreak. If you’re in a new relationship and things are heating up a little too fast, here are seven tips to slow down while still keeping the love alive. 

This may sound obvious, but it’s easier said than done in some relationships. 

If you’re not 100% sure that you’re ready to move in together, take a pause. Don’t ignore that hesitant feeling because it may have a good point. You don’t need a perfect reason to say no because simply saying “I’m not ready” or “I need more time” is valid enough. 

I always say you’re not ready to co-sign a lease if you’re still trying to figure out each other’s fave coffee order –– that should be a clear giveaway. 

Trust your gut. It’s better to slow down now and think things through rather than putting yourself into a sticky situation where coming home doesn’t feel like a safe space anymore.

I advise my friends all the time to establish clear and honest boundaries  from the start of the relationship. Because it allows for you and your partner to understand how to support one another and not cross lines. 

Open the door to honest conversations, sharing how you’re feeling right now. It’s a temperature check that should be taken regularly. Start by asking them some questions:

• How are you feeling about this next step?
• Do you have any reservations?
• What routines and rules should we establish from the jump?

When you express your boundaries clearly and kindly, you’re able to set the stage for a healthy relationship. Whether you’re ready to move in next month or next year, communicate the reasons for your hesitations and discuss how to overcome them together.  

I think we can all agree that love is a magical feeling, but cohabiting is more logical. You’re combining grocery habits, pet allergies, cleaning styles, and even alarm clock volumes. 

Trust me, you’ll learn quickly after you hear your partner’s alarm clock go off in the morning, how having a roommate plus romance can be a wild mix. 

If one of you works at night and the other is an early riser, you’ll need to navigate one another’s sleeping schedules. 

Pets are also important to talk about because what if your pets don’t get along or someone has an allergic reaction to them. Those aren’t just little quirks or things to ignore, they’re legit dealbreakers to consider. 

Before you move in, talk logistics. Things like who pays what and whose name goes on the lease. Even the conversation about what happens in a breakup is important. It might sound nerve-wrecking, but it’ll help make sure that you’re on the same page. 

Not ready to move in just yet –– that’s ok! That doesn’t mean you’re slamming the brakes completely on the relationship. 

You can still show your partner that you’re committed to the relationship in other ways. Such as keeping a drawer at each other’s places or making it a tradition to do Sunday night dinners together. 

I discovered that making future plans like a weekend getaway can show you’re in it for more than just the vibes. That brings security in the relationship. 

These little gestures say you care and want to grow with them. You don’t have to move in with someone to communicate that. Give yourself the time to help build a real, strong foundation for your relationship. 

Instead of blindly rushing toward the next milestone, try talking about what you both want from the relationship and how to grow in a positive way. 

I love that one of the first questions Serena asked Kordell on “Love Island” was, “What are your long-term goals?” This question can reveal a lot about a person. 

My hot tip: Ask those important questions to your partner before trying to share the same address. 

Questions like “where do you see us in the next six months?” or “what does commitment mean to you?” are great to get the ball rolling and figure out what your future together could look like. 

Relationship goals aren’t just a hashtag on the gram. It’s a real thing that couples establish by improving their communication and learning how to resolve conflicts.

Lesbian couples have to work toward cohabitation rather than leaping into it without a roadmap to guide them. 

We all know the saying, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I have to remind myself of this time and time again. 

You’ll often see couples (especially on social media) who seem to have it all on the outside: matching flannels, the perfectly adorable pets, and the most spacious, modern home filled with too many plants to count. 

One of my friends is constantly posting photos of meals her wife made for them or events they attended together.

But here’s the thing, just because people are living together does not mean that it’s smooth sailing. 

My friend doesn’t post about their fights or couples therapy sessions. The dirty dishes and money squabbles. What’s on her newsfeed isn’t the whole story.

Any couple can seem happy on the surface, and maybe they are like that in private too. It doesn’t matter because it’s their story. Your story is your story. Every relationship is different and what feels right for you is more important than what looks good to post on the feed. 

I said it three times because it’s worth repeating –– communication is everything in a relationship. 

If you feel overwhelmed, excited, anxious, or even thrilled, know that that’s all normal. Share those feelings. Don’t assume that your partner knows where you’re at. 

Early in my relationship, I expected my partner to have magical abilities to read my mind or pick up on subtle cues on how I was feeling. I learned quickly that wasn’t going to cut it. I had to communicate. 

Don’t wait until you’re overloaded or burned out to speak up. That’s how a lot of relationships crumble. 

Check in regularly with one another, especially if the topic of moving in has been hanging over you. Remember that relationships don’t have a GPS. Clear communication is how you stay on the same map and get to the destination you both want. 

There’s no one correct timeline for love. Some couples move in after a month and thrive. Others take years living separately, and they are just committed to each other. The key is mutual understanding and respect. 

If you both know where you stand and where you want to go, that’s a great place to be in. Decide on what those next steps look like together. Taking your time doesn’t mean your love is any less real, it just means that you’re building it with care. 

Even though the U-Haul stereotype is funny, it doesn’t have to be your reality. Whether it’s your first serious girlfriend or your fifth, the choice to move in together is big and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Both of you should feel genuinely good about making that decision. 

So next time the U-Haul joke is brought into the conversation, smile knowingly. You know better. The best kinds of relationships are worth doing right and not rushed. 

And when the time does feel right, you’ll be more than ready to go pick up that U-Haul.