I’m in Love with My Friend. What Do I Do?

Brian Rzepczynski

Written by: Brian Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Reader Question:

I am a bisexual man and am in love with my friend, but he has a girlfriend. He is bisexual as well. I also am good friends with his girlfriend.

We’ve kissed, hugged and cuddled, but the situation is getting kind of stressful for me because I’m starting to love him. We haven’t told each other that we like each other.

What do I do?

-Ben (New York)

Brian Rzepczynski’s Answer:

Hi Ben!

The real conundrum here is that regardless of the feelings you’re having for him, your friend is not physically or emotionally available to you because of his relationship with his girlfriend, and therefore my concern is you might be setting yourself up to get hurt.

It’s unclear as to whether their relationship is open or not. If it is, you could perhaps reveal your feelings to both of them so as not to alienate and damage your friendship with either one of them by keeping secrets, leading a double life or creating an unhealthy triangle.

This would be a big risk and could potentially alter or terminate your relationships, but this more direct route would get everything out in the open so you could all collectively address this issue in a collaborative, adult way.

You’ll also have to assess the intimate behaviors you are engaging in with him against your values as a guidepost for your decision-making.

Or you can set a boundary with the intimacy by communicating to your friend the emerging feelings you’re having and that you’d prefer to continue a friendship without these “benefits” so it no longer becomes confusing and uncomfortable while redirecting your dating energies elsewhere.

I wish you much success with your decision!

Dr. Brian

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