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The Short Version: Couples therapist Jason Polk was honest with us about why the people we love the most betray us — and whether reconciliation is possible. As Jason pointed out, betrayal in a relationship isn’t always cheating; it’s any action on your partner’s part that betrays your trust. By gaining insight into your and your partner’s actions, you can start the process of rebuilding trust.
The aftermath of betrayal looks different for every couple. For some, it’s a heated confrontation complete with tears, harsh words, and ultimatums. For others, it’s a night spent sleeping on the sofa, only to be back in bed the next night. And in other cases, there’s hardly an aftermath to speak of, just an awkward silence followed by a half-hearted promise to forgive and forget.
Whether your partner cheated, lied, or breached your trust in some other way, you’ve been betrayed — but life doesn’t end. There are decisions to make, ultimatums to stick to, and futures to reevaluate.
In the immediate aftermath, cutting ties with your partner altogether can be tempting, and pushing the betrayal under the rug can be even more tempting.
Couples therapist Jason Polk lifts the rug so couples can retie their broken connections. He helps couples evaluate where they stand in the aftermath of betrayal. Is reconciliation possible, or even something you and your partner want?
At Colorado Relationship Recovery in Denver, therapists like Jason help couples understand their own actions. We asked Jason to shed light on the recovery aspect of couples counseling. When you’re all cried out or sick of the silence, Jason helps you and your partner pick up the pieces of your shattered trust and put them back together again.
Every betrayal has roots. In most cases, people only lie or cheat because of an existing issue. If you want your relationship to work, you’ll have to dedicate yourself — whether you were the betrayer or not — to uncovering these roots, identifying the issues, and coming to terms with the part you played in the relationship’s downfall.
Jason gives couples a safe space to explore these problems, as well as the vocabulary to put them into words.
“I think one underlying issue (that can lead to infidelity) is not feeling like you can talk about the issue with your partner,” Jason told us. “For example, if you’re feeling unappreciated or not connected, (or are) feeling like your partner is going to get mad, or it just doesn’t occur to you that you can talk to them about it, that can make people susceptible to reaching out to someone else.”
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your partner about your relationship concerns (and vice versa), how can you expect anything to change?
With the help of a couple’s therapist like Jason, you and your partner can delve into the circumstances that may have led to betrayal. Since a lack of communication — or an inability to put feelings into words — is often the root of betrayal, it’s important for couples to reestablish healthy communication habits.
If you betrayed your partner in any way, Jason recommends asking yourself a question: “What led me to forget my ‘no’?” As in, what was it about that particular moment in time that made you say yes instead of no, and betray your partner? The answer can reveal the root cause of the betrayal.
Obviously, the emotional self-work falls heavily on the guilty party. But even the non-guilty party should take some time to analyze their own actions. You may not have done anything morally wrong per se, but you can still learn from the experience and pick up on potentially harmful dating habits.
Once you identify a harmful cycle, you can work on breaking free from it — even if doing so means ending the relationship for good.
The definition of betrayal in a relationship isn’t always straightforward. “Anything that shatters assumptions or agreements (in a relationship) can be a betrayal,” Jason told us. Obviously, the ultimate betrayal in a relationship is infidelity. But if you and your partner agreed on complete honesty and one of you breaks that agreement, it could still feel like a betrayal.
When you breach someone’s trust, betrayal is the outcome. Whether financial, emotional, or physical, betrayal cuts to the bone of every relationship and reveals just how solid the partnership is.
And it’s the strength of a relationship that determines whether it will survive betrayal.
In the face of betrayal, breaking up may feel like a relief. But for others, it’s inconceivable — even amid the pain. When deciding whether to stay together, Jason stressed the importance of patience. “It takes time for (one’s) partner to really get their bearings and to think, ‘Do I even want this?’” he told us.
Betrayal may throw a relationship off course, but this doesn’t mean divorce or a break-up is imminent. After all, we put so much time, energy, and love into our relationships that a break-up may not be the desired outcome, even in the face of heartbreak.
In other cases, a couple may not need any time at all to decide what to do. “Sometimes in the beginning, you may need more information. But sometimes people say, ‘We made this clear.’ Or, ‘I don’t even want to do this anyway, so I’m out of here,’” Jason explained.
If your partner gave you an ultimatum and you betrayed them, then they are more than justified to leave the relationship.
The ultimate deciding factor, Jason told us, is whether the couple thinks they’ll be able to rebuild trust. Can you picture yourself trusting them again? What about in six months, or a year?
Obviously, a break-up doesn’t always heal all wounds. In fact, it can make them fester, especially if you have trouble coming to terms with the betrayal you’ve experienced. The recovery period can take time, and it may feel like you’ll never trust a partner ever again.
Jason reassured us that rebuilding trust is possible, even if it takes time and effort. Betrayal is wrapped in so much anger and disappointment that the intensity of these emotions are understandable. But the sooner you and your partner can speak calmly about the situation, the better. “I think it’s good for couples to be able to process it together,” Jason told us.
Discontent breeds betrayal. The victim and the betrayer have reasons for their actions, even if those reasons never warrant infidelity. If you’re the betrayer, it may be tempting to get defensive. After all, you cheated for a reason — even if it’s a bad one.
Defensiveness can prevent you and your partner from working through your issues. “No, you can’t look at my phone!” “Can’t you just get over it already?” “I would not have cheated if you hadn’t been so clingy…”
Jason also mentioned the danger of being too effusively guilty — “I’m a horrible person, I’m a disgrace” — which can come off as insincere.
There’s hope for couples who want to stay together and rebuild trust in the wake of betrayal. “If couples are doing individual therapy, that can be helpful,” Jason suggested. He also identified flexibility and empathy as qualities that can help save a relationship rocked by infidelity or any other betrayal.
More than anything, it’s important for the guilty party to have insight into their own actions. The ability to ask yourself “Why did I do this destructive, hurtful thing?” and coming to real answers is key to avoiding future betrayals.
Breaking up with your partner won’t necessarily help you heal. Emotional self-work is necessary to rebuild trust when your next relationship comes along.
“The new partner needs to be aware (of your former experiences),” Jason said. A new partner won’t be able to understand — or address — your trust issues if they don’t know where the issues come from.
“If my wife was cheated on before she was in a relationship with me — the person left and went out one night and never communicated — I assume she would request (that I tell her when I’m coming home). So those may be things the hurt partner needs to be aware of and then be able to communicate,” Jason explained.
“Any sort of betrayal can be traumatic because it shatters assumptions,” Jason told us. But here’s some good news: Anything that shatters is fixable, even if it looks a little different afterward. The betrayer and the betrayed alike need to listen to each other, articulate their feelings, and show empathy to rebuild trust.
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