How to Send a Woman the Message She Wants to Receive

Let me tell you about my most devastating breakup.

Jim and I were together for 18 months. We just didn’t have long-term compatibility. It took us a while to figure this out and even longer to end the relationship – not because of inertia, but because we had something really special.

Human life is a solitary thing. We come in alone. We go out alone. And in between it sometimes feels like we are, basically, alone.

Some days all you want is for a person to look at you and say, “I know the world out there doesn’t understand you, but I see you. And I know you. And I accept you.”

We weather the challenges dating and relationships sometimes entail in part for the privilege of being seen and known by at least one other person.

Jim and I had that. When he looked at me, I knew he was seeing the real me. I couldn’t hide even if I wanted to. I was known.

This experience touched me deeply and made it very hard to let go of Jim even after the relationship ended.

The willingness to see and accept the woman you’re with in all her splendor and all her shame is not a sufficient condition for a lasting relationship, but it is a necessary one.

And it starts with your very first email.

The irony of online dating is we are safely hidden behind our computer screens, when what we want more than anything is to be seen.

Part of what a woman wants to feel when she reads your message is that you are really looking at her.

It’s not about her pictures. It’s about the beauty and grace and power within her.

“You will make our day if your message

reveals that you took the time to look.”

“Let’s make out on my leather sofa like virgin teenagers whose parents are due any minute and discover what it’s like to lust again. Let’s dance in the living room like you’re going off to war tomorrow and explore the boundaries of intimacy. Let’s sing in the cab ride home.”

I got more than 200 messages in three weeks, including:

• “I would like to get to know you.”
• “Says you reply very selectively…I hope you select me.”
• “Your profile is different and clearly you are looking for a fun adventurist with a childish side. I was called to duty and only have one night left in the U.S. Do you want to spend it together?”

All sweet, brief and respectful. But which one do you think I responded to?

We want you to see us. You will make our day if your message reveals that you took the time to look.