Its Not You Its Me And That Other Lesbian

Lesbian Dating

It’s Not You. It’s Me…and That Other Lesbian

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

Discuss This! Discuss This!
Advertiser Disclosure

Most of us have heard this phrase “It’s not you, it’s me,” at some point in our lives, and it will rock your world in the worst way.

It can seemingly come out of the blue, but that’s only if you have blinders on. Often you’ll realize you’ve been on a diet of love crumbs for a while before she announced the “It’s me, not you” death sentence.

She tells you you’re so wonderful, good, handsome, pretty, sexy, funny and on and on, but none of it’s helping her fall in love with you or stay in love with you.

If you let it, this kind of breakup can leave you feeling completely broken. You walk around wondering what’s wrong with you.

Her protests that it’s her who is broken because she can’t love an obviously loveable gay girl creates chaos in your brain and heart.

What about that other lesbian over there?

The one saying she’s got to go may not have another lesbian in her hand already, but chances are that’s what pushed her to fess up to the fact that she’s not that into you.

Yes, that sounds like she’s just been using you. That may or may not be true.

She could truly have been hoping she’d fall crazy in love with you because she really did like you and thinks you’re great, but it’s finally come down to her reality – she’s just not in love with you and won’t be.

For a woman who is just trying to live honestly and doesn’t have her eyes on someone else yet, it’s hard to hurt you by saying it’s over, but she’s walking away breathing a sigh of relief and moving on much more easily than you.

 “Going slow is underrated

in the lesbian world.”

What do you do with this?

It depends on how you feel about her, right? If you love her, you’re in for a tough time for a while as you have to move on from something you wanted to last a long time.

If that’s you, take time for some deep self-care.

That might mean some time out to let the tears out, see a therapist, talk to friends (who will often tell you they saw it coming…damn them!) and figure out how to move on with life.

One really important thing to do is look back and ask yourself where you had your blinders on and missed the signals. They were probably there in some fashion.

Will this make you gun-shy in the future?

Sure it will and that’s OK!  Going slow is underrated in the lesbian world. Go slow and test out your new girlfriend for a good long while before you start making plans to knit your lives together.

That’s called good self-care and being sensible and grown up.

Advertiser Disclosure is a free online resource that offers valuable content and comparison services to users. To keep this resource 100% free, we receive compensation from many of the offers listed on the site. Along with key review factors, this compensation may impact how and where products appear across the site (including, for example, the order in which they appear). does not include the entire universe of available offers. Editorial opinions expressed on the site are strictly our own and are not provided, endorsed, or approved by advertisers.

Our Editorial Review Policy

Our site is committed to publishing independent, accurate content guided by strict editorial guidelines. Before articles and reviews are published on our site, they undergo a thorough review process performed by a team of independent editors and subject-matter experts to ensure the content’s accuracy, timeliness, and impartiality. Our editorial team is separate and independent of our site’s advertisers, and the opinions they express on our site are their own. To read more about our team members and their editorial backgrounds, please visit our site’s About page.