Gay Dating

Are You Settling?

Brian Rzepczynski

Written by: Brian Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

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How do you know if the guy you’re dating is the right one for you? How can you tell if you’re REALLY with Mr. Right?

We live in a society where we are raised believing we deserve and should have the best of everything.

In the relationship world of plentiful, I’ve often heard men say they are on a quest for the best-looking guy, the biggest penis, the wealthiest man, etc. So when you eventually meet someone you feel compatible with, it’s not all that uncommon to ask yourself, “But is this ‘The One?’”

It’s one thing to make sure you’re making wise decisions in dating, but this tendency can become problematic when it becomes laden with anxiety and creates an inability to fully commit to someone because you’re always wondering if there’s someone better out there.

Before long, a turnstile of men have come and gone from your life, leaving you feeling alone and possibly having missed out on a guy who really would have been a great match for you had you grounded yourself and lived in the moment of that relationship.

You DO deserve the best.

But nobody is going to be perfect and we have to be realistic when making appraisals about relationship compatibility and commitment.

The most important prerequisite to dating is to take time for introspection and identify what your personal requirements are for a partner and a relationship.

Through this process, your value system will shine through and can be a great barometer for ensuring you’re making smart choices in dating that are in alignment with your values.

When we deviate from our values, our psyche sends off warning signals that alert us to the fact that something is off in the form of anxiety, doubt, confusion and self-sabotaging behaviors among other things.

If your body isn’t sending off any of these danger signals in regards to the guy you’re with right now, chances are there is a good prognosis that he’s a keeper.

“Avoid viewing relationships

as being disposable.”

“The grass is greener on the other side.”

And “I know I can do better” mindsets can keep you trapped in an unfulfilling single lifestyle if your dating choices are predicated on these distorted thinking patterns.

There’s no special formula to help dictate whether the guy you’re dating is your one and only, but dating with knowledge of your personal requirements and values can be a great guidepost and adviser.

Another indicator can be assessing whether your involvement with your guy fits these three criteria: mind, heart and chemistry.

Does it make sense for the two of you to be together? Do you share similar values and philosophies of life? Do you have an emotional connection and bond? Is he your best friend? Do you have sexual chemistry and attraction?

Though simplistic in a complex appraisal, these questions should give you a general idea of whether you’re on the right track.

If you find yourself having nagging doubts about whether you’re with the right man or not, the important thing to do is to take a step back, breathe and relax.

This is a big decision, but you don’t want the feeling of urgency to cause you to make an impulsive or reckless course of action. Take the emphasis off the other guy, and instead focus back on your requirements and values.

Are you feeling confused and doubtful because of the distorted mindsets described above, or are you experiencing your psyche’s visceral reaction to the fact that something is missing from this relationship?

If it’s the latter, is that particular void something you and your partner can collaboratively work on together to improve?

Gay dating is hard.

The gay dating pool

is smaller because we’re only 10 percent of the general population.

We can further become divided by top/bottom, health status, race and ethnicity and any other conditions we put on men that classify their being a dating option if we choose to impose those limitations, and this makes that pool even smaller if we do that.

If you have a great guy in your life, it’s important to not be “trigger happy” and terminate that relationship at the slightest hint that something’s not working for you.

Keep in mind the stage of relationship you’re in could be playing a role (the “honeymoon period” isn’t supposed to last forever!) in your feelings and that relationships do take work and have their natural ups and downs.

Avoid viewing relationships as being disposable because you may actually have your Mr. Right in your life already.

So how do YOU know if the guy you’re dating is a keeper or not? How can you tell?

And how do you differentiate between distorted mindsets and genuine incompatibilities when things in your dating life go flat? Share the wisdom!

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