Fall is here. The leaves are changing. The weather is getting colder and colder. Those cozy nights near the fireplace are more and more tempting. The only thing missing is that special someone to cuddle up with.
This time of year, that urge to couple up hits HARD. Hello, cuffing season!
Cuffing Season Is the Time of Year When Many Singles Wish They Weren’t Single
Cuffing season is a period that runs roughly from October through February where even the most commitment-phobic singles suddenly want someone to couple with. Why does this phenomenon happen? Maybe because singles don’t want to show up solo during the holidays, or they dread spending the cold winter completely alone.
And honestly? There’s actual science backing this up. Our brains are literally wired to seek connection during these colder months.
Before you jump into a relationship, I’m waving a big red flag to warn you! Many people treat cuffing season like it’s some temporary band-aid for loneliness.
They find themselves settling for a “better than nothing” relationship instead of getting the relationship they truly want. The result? By the time spring rolls around, the relationship is already wilting faster than those Valentine’s Day roses.
It honestly doesn’t have to be this way! I’m going to share my tips on how to date during Cuffing Season that could actually help you find your FOREVER relationship.
As someone who used to royally suck at dating (I’m talking about going through guy after guy, wondering if I’d ever find real love), I can tell you that the difference between a winter fling and lasting love comes down to one thing: Conscious Dating.
Here’s how to make cuffing season work for you instead of against you:
Be Clear About Your Non-Negotiables BEFORE You Start Dating
This is where I see singles screw up the most. They can be so superficial with their non-negotiables.
As a dating coach, I hear things like…”I need him to be six foot tall” or “she has to have this color hair.” These are preferences, NOT non-negotiables.
No one ever got a divorce because their partner wasn’t tall enough or had the right hair color.
Your non-negotiables are your core values. They are the dealbreakers that determine whether you’ll be happy in a relationship 10 years from now. I’m talking about things like:
- What are both of your values around spirituality?
- Are similar family values important to you?
- What about your financial outlook? Are you on the same page?
- How do you both handle conflict?
When you get crystal clear on these BEFORE you start swiping or accepting dates, you save yourself so much time and heartache. You become the chooser, not the chaser. You stop wasting energy on people who were never going to meet your needs in the first place.
Stop Dating Based on Chemistry Alone
I get it. Chemistry feels amazing. That spark can feel so intoxicating. Here’s the dangerous part of the equation: Chemistry and comfort are NOT enough to build a lasting relationship.
You know what happens when you only date based on chemistry? You end up with someone who looks great on paper (or looks great, period) but has nothing in common with your core values.
You’ll find yourself trying to fix someone to keep the relationship going (spoilers: it never works) because you never had your values in common.
It’s so tempting to just go with whoever makes you feel good in the moment to cure that loneliness during Cuffing Season.
But if you want this relationship to last past the holidays, you need to slow down and take a deeper look. Ask yourself the hard question. Beyond the physical chemistry, do we actually connect on the things that matter?
Be Authentic From Day One (Even If It Feels Scary)
I used to play the “cool girl” on dates. I’d pretend I was fine with a casual relationship. I’d act like I didn’t want anything serious and totally avoid bringing up my actual needs and values. Rarely did I advocate for myself.
You know what that attracted? A string of emotionally unavailable partners who never could meet my needs.
The moment I started being honest and direct about what I wanted, even if it was scary and I felt vulnerable, everything changed. I learned a hard lesson.
First, you can’t screw up what is meant to be yours. Second, the right person won’t run away from your authenticity. They’ll actually lean in.
So if you want a committed relationship, say it. If family is important to you, own it. If you’re dating with the intention of finding your forever person, be clear on that from the start.
The people who aren’t looking for the same thing will filter themselves out. And that’s a good thing.
Heal Your Past Programming First
Jumping into a relationship might sound enticing during cuffing season. But you can’t attract a healthy relationship if you haven’t healed from your past. If you keep choosing partners who can’t meet your needs, that’s a sign you have to work through some unconscious programming.
Before I met my husband, I had to face some hard truths about myself. I was attracting the same unavailable partners with a different face. It was heartbreaking and so frustrating as I didn’t know how to break the cycle.
I realized I was the common denominator in all my relationships. To change the outcome of my love life, I had to take a hard look at the choices I was making.
I learned about many of my limiting beliefs that made me settle for less.
One core message was that I was too dysfunctional to be loved. So how did that limiting belief affect my dating choices? It made me choose partners who were just as dysfunctional because, in my mind at least, they couldn’t judge me.
I did the work on myself. I learned to have compassion and empathy for those parts I used to judge, and soon after, I finally chose an amazing partner who could actually meet my needs.
Cuffing season can actually be a great time to do inner work. Instead of rushing into a relationship to avoid being alone, this is a perfect time to work on yourself.
Be the Chooser
I know it’s tempting when someone you’re attracted to wants to jump into a relationship with you. It’s hard to slow down when the connection is so exciting. But what moves too fast, fizzles fast too.
Here’s what I want you to know: Healthy relationships are a slow burn. So no matter how fast your partner wants to move things, you “be the chooser” of the speed and pace you are moving at in your relationship.
If you’re not ready to take your dating profile down, be honest. Say, “I really like you and want to date, but I want to slow things down. I’m just not ready for a commitment after two weeks of dating. I need more time.”
The right person will respect and honor your boundaries. They might get their feelings hurt a little, but they will stick around because they want you in their life longer than a season.
You don’t have to settle just for a warm body during cuffing season. I promise that if you follow these Conscious Dating tips, your relationship will weather the cold winter months and continue to bloom past the springtime.
