I know how exciting it can be when you finally meet someone who is physically attractive and mentally stimulating. It can feel like you’ve won the jackpot, but before you rush into a committed relationship with someone you barely know, my advice is to slow down. Make a conscious commitment.
As a dating coach, I’ve seen many singles jump at the chance to fill their relationship void, only to find out the person they committed to wasn’t actually compatible with them in the long run.
Not only is that detrimental to your heart, but it can also be a complete waste of your time when you discover you jumped into a dead-end relationship.
In most cases, the person is putting their best foot forward, showing you only their best qualities while their real personality and flaws remain hidden.
That’s why I always tell my clients to ask themselves these five important questions before making any serious commitment.
1. Do We Have the Same Core Values and Life Vision?
Listen, I know you might have incredible chemistry and laugh at the same jokes, but if you’re heading in completely different directions in life, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak down the road.
I’m talking about the big stuff here.
- Do you both want kids or not?
- Are you both career-driven, or does one of you prioritize work-life balance?
- What about your values around money? Are you a saver while they’re a spender?
- Do you share similar spiritual or religious beliefs? Or at least respect each other’s differences?
Trust me, I’ve seen too many relationships fall apart because people thought love would be enough to handle the fundamental differences. I’m here to tell you — it’s not enough.
I know it’s hard to be vulnerable and have these serious conversations. But it’s important to take the time to talk seriously early on in the relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable. Better to know now than years later when you are emotionally attached.
2. Do We Meet Each Other’s Non-Negotiables?
One of my favorite things to hear from the singles I work with is that they are willing to talk about their non-negotiables on dates. Everyone has non-negotiables, and it doesn’t make them too picky.
By this I don’t mean the superficial things like wanting someone six feet tall or a certain body type. These are your absolute must-haves and dealbreakers in a relationship.
Let’s say you’ve had a history of dating people who are avoidant in their attachment style. Then you might need someone who’s emotionally available and communicative about their feelings. Or maybe your ex was struggling with alcohol, and you can’t be with someone who drinks excessively or doesn’t take care of their health.
The key here is being honest about your non-negotiables early on in the talking stage and taking time to screen your new love interests.
Usually the singles I work with have around 10 to 15 non-negotiables. If you find yourself having way more than that, then you definitely need to rework your list.
It’s also important to ask if you meet their non-negotiables. It’s not fair to expect someone to bend on their non-negotiables for you if you’re not willing to do the same.
I always have my clients make a list and choose one non-negotiable to screen on each date as they are getting to know each other. It’s so much easier to make clear-headed decisions when you’re not caught up in the excitement of a new relationship.
3. Can We Be Vulnerable and Share Our Needs and Expectations Freely?
I believe that communication is the core to a lasting relationship. You could be completely attracted to each other and have tons of common interests… but if you can’t be vulnerable with each other about your truths, the relationship will eventually be doomed.
- Can you express your truths without them shutting down or retaliating against you?
- Do they actually listen and try to understand your point of view when you express a concern?
- Can you be honest and bring up difficult issues and still feel seen and heard by each other?
So many people pay attention to the superficial parts of getting to know each other, like favorite movies, hobbies, and interests. Do you actually know what each other’s needs and expectations are?
Vulnerability is the key to creating a deep connection and intimacy.
I’ve worked with singles who told me they felt like roommates for years during their relationship. They never talked about their feelings, and their ex had no idea what made them feel loved and appreciated.
This is where the power of asking questions, sharing your feelings, and actively listening to each other’s needs and expectations can really make a person feel deeply connected in the relationship like no other.
4. How Do We Handle Conflict and Disagreements in a Healthy Way?
I’ve heard couples tell me that “we never fight.” Those also tend to be the same couples that appear like things are fine on the surface with everything, and then BOOM! All of a sudden, they break up after five years for no apparent reason.
Every couple fights. I repeat. EVERY couple fights! If you’re not having any disagreement, one of you isn’t being honest about their feelings and needs. The question isn’t whether you’ll have conflict, honestly, it’s how you handle it when it comes up.
- How do you fight? Is it fair?
- Can you disagree without name-calling and attacking each other’s character?
- Can you both self-reflect to take responsibility for mistakes, or does one person always have to be right and win?
- When things get heated, do you both take space to cool down and come back to resolve things, or does one of you shut down or storm off?
Pay attention to this early on, because someone’s conflict style is usually an established pattern. If they handle disagreements with gaslighting, manipulation, stonewalling, or verbal attacks now, don’t expect that to change just because you get more serious.
Their behavior usually becomes worse as a person gets more comfortable.
5. Are We Both Committed to Work Through Our Challenges?
I think this last one might be the most important of all. Most singles get so excited to jump into a new love story that they don’t realize that it’s not all roses and romantic outings. Real relationships take work.
Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling a fairytale, not the truth. The question is whether both of you are willing to put in that work when things get tough.
Is this person willing to go to couples therapy, if needed? When you hit rough patches (and you will), do they have the fortitude to work through them together, or do they run to the hills and shut down? Are they as invested in making this relationship work as much as you are?
I’ve seen too many one-sided relationships where one person is doing all the emotional heavy lifting while the other person is just along for the ride. That’s not sustainable and only breeds resentment. It’s definitely not fair to you to do all the emotional work.
Slow Down to Speed Things Up!
I know the last thing you want to do is slow down and ask the hard questions. It can feel uncomfortable being vulnerable and talking about all these serious topics and expressing your feelings.
But here’s what I’ve learned after years of coaching: The couples who take time to build a solid foundation are the ones who go the distance.
So before you jump into a commitment, take a step back and honestly evaluate where you stand.
Many clients have told me that once they found a partner who completely aligned with them, the relationship was more rewarding and workable. The connection automatically sped up because they had a strong foundation to last a lifetime.
