6 Signs of an Avoidant Partner

Before becoming a dating coach, I learned a lot from totally screwing up my own love life. Talking with my clients today, I’ve noticed something we both had in common. We kept falling for the same type of person with a different face.

You know the ones I’m talking about. They seem amazing at first, then emotionally distant later. And it always felt like something was just… off.

I used to be the queen of chasing emotionally unavailable types. Seriously, if someone could make me feel like I was constantly on edge and uncertain of their affection, I was hooked. It took me way too long to realize that feeling of anxious chaos all the time isn’t actually what love is supposed to feel like.

So let’s break this down, because once you see these avoidant patterns in a partner, you need to start waving the red flags and run away.

You know the type of person who makes you feel so seen. They’re a wonderful conversationalist. They ask all the right questions. They remember that thing you said about your job three weeks ago. They ask about your family drama.

They seem SO interested in your life that you feel like you’ve finally found someone who really gets you.

But months later when your best friend asks you details about the guy you’ve been dating, you suddenly realize… wait. What do I actually know about this person? Like, do I know anything really deep about them?

I might know their favorite food or their work schedule, but I know nothing about their last relationship. I don’t know their biggest fear or when was the last time they cried.

Hmmm… it makes you wonder because every time you try to go deeper, they somehow flip the conversation back to you.

It’s actually pretty genius if you think about it. They get to seem super caring and attentive without ever having to be vulnerable themselves. Sneaky, right?

Ugh… this one irks me. Right when things get good and you have a vulnerable moment, all of a sudden POOF…they disappear and leave you hanging for days or even weeks.

It is almost like they are repelled by moments of vulnerability.

I’m here to tell you that it isn’t random. It’s usually right after you’ve had some kind of breakthrough moment in your relationship. Maybe they accidentally met your friends, or you actually had a deep conversation sharing your biggest struggles.

These pivotal moments feel like so much emotional risk that they immediately run away.

And right when you are about to be over the relationship, they suddenly appear in your text messages saying, “I miss you, sorry I was busy.” Like nothing happened, no explanation or REAL apology for ghosting you.

I want you to know…this isn’t bad timing. This is panic. The closer you get, the faster they run.

Listen, I love an independent person. But there’s a difference between being self-sufficient and not being vulnerable enough to ask for help.

When someone sees asking for support as a weakness, that is a red flag.

You’ll notice when they get sick, rather than sharing their struggles, they completely disappear, not answering any of your texts.

Or they’re clearly struggling with something in life, and you notice they are on edge. When you ask, “Is everything okay?” they answer with “I’m FINE” in that tone that means they’re definitely not fine but would rather die than ask for any help.

All of a sudden, you start seeing them isolate themselves.

Here’s the thing. It might feel like, “Wow, they’ve got it so together.” But after a while, it’s like… okay, when will you let me in? Do you actually need me for anything?

It starts feeling less like dating a strong person and more like dating someone who’s scared of depending on anyone.

I’ve seen so many avoidant types completely shift the conversation when you bring up the future. If you start talking about taking a vacation next month, you see them squirm in their seat.

Anything that requires a future commitment brings them to a place of panic.

You’ll suggest something totally normal, like going to a movie coming out next month, and they look at you like you asked them to get married. “Oh, I don’t know what my schedule will be like…”

And you’re thinking…really? For a Saturday night in five weeks?

Honestly, it’s not that they can’t plan ahead. They probably have their work calendar booked for the next three months. They just can’t plan ahead WITH YOU in the picture.

Because that would mean admitting you might still be around, and that feels way too much like commitment.

Now this one used to confuse the heck out of me. You know when you are with someone who loves physical affection, and it feels so good when they give it to you. They want to hold your hand, cuddle on the couch, and be all over you physically. It makes you think this person is totally into you!

But then you try to have an actual deep conversation about your feelings…they totally change the subject and turn up the physical intimacy as if that’ll make up for it.

I remember asking someone I dated, “So, where do you think things are heading?”

He responded with, “Why do you have to make things so complicated? Let’s just stay in the moment and enjoy ourselves…let things just happen organically.”

I literally thought I was being too much, but in reality, my needs mattered, and he could never meet them because he never would commit.

Honestly, these types of relationships are a complete waste of time because what’s the point of being physically close to someone who won’t let you in emotionally?

After so many failed relationships, I finally figured out the hard way why I kept on getting sucked into dating avoidant types. I used to always be the type to rescue and help people I dated.

I thought if you care about someone, you love them harder so that one day they will love you back.

What I’ve learned is that love isn’t about sacrificing yourself; it’s about compromise. I kept seeing people for their potential rather than seeing them for who they are… someone who was NEVER going to give me the love I deserved, nor treat me like a priority.

You cannot love someone into being emotionally available.

And honestly? It’s exhausting. Remember this, when you’re constantly wondering where you stand, walking on eggshells, or feeling like you’re the only one actually invested in the relationship, that’s not love. That’s anxiety.

Your gut knows. If something feels off, it probably is. Stop making excuses for people who can’t show up for you. Learn to say NO to what you don’t want so that you can make room for what you DO want.