What Is Conflict Resolution? Its Role in Dating & Relationship Success

Here’s a question for everyone in a long-term relationship: What was your first fight about? 

The first real conflict I had with my first boyfriend was about a weekend road trip. A blizzard was supposed to hit the same weekend, but he still wanted to go. I felt our safety was at risk; he felt that our already-paid-for weekend trip was at risk. 

Conflict resolution happens when each person makes an effort to address the other person’s concerns and come to a peaceful solution.

I stuck to my guns and refused to get in the car, so my boyfriend gave in. But I didn’t feel like I’d won. When I think back to that weekend, I can’t help but wonder if I’d do anything differently now. Safety was a dealbreaker for me, and I stand by my decision. But there were plenty of other times in our relationship when I could have been more adventurous. If I’d been more willing to try new things for him, would our relationship have grown?

And what about when you encounter a conflict that isn’t a dealbreaker, but also isn’t easy to overcome? These gray areas are where conflicts thrive. Conflicts are inevitable in even the healthiest relationships. Thankfully, many conflicts are completely solvable. 

Addressing conflict may be intimidating, but it can save your relationship in the long run. 

The word “conflict” lends itself to damaging misconceptions. I’m guilty of assuming that one little disagreement means my entire relationship is doomed.

On the contrary, conflict can actually be a positive sign that you and your partner allow each other to grow as individuals. It’s not that you two aren’t “meant to be,” but rather that you aren’t meant to be completely identical. 

The absence of conflict isn’t always good, either. When conflict goes unacknowledged, it can rot your relationship from the inside. As relationship coach Valentina Tudose once told us: “Conflict actually represents unmet needs … they also represent a great opportunity to rewrite unproductive patterns.” 

It’s important to see conflict resolution as an opportunity for growth. This is only possible when the people involved in the conflict are willing to fix the problem, even if it means being uncomfortable. Conflicts are always going to happen, whether you like it or not. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can learn how to overcome conflict as a united front. 

Types of Conflict Resolution Strategies

Relationship researcher Julie Gottman told The Washington Post that people should focus more on conflict management instead of conflict resolution. Remember those gray areas I mentioned? They make it difficult for some problems to be cleanly wrapped up with a bow. 

Here are some strategies that can help you resolve issues with a partner:

Success Stories & Insights From Couples

u/tree_or_up on Reddit described how she came to a compromise with her husband about his desire to go out and hers to stay in. “We finally agreed that we didn’t need to be together every single moment. He eventually found some friends he could go out with and I got my quiet time,” she wrote. “As much as you might love each other, you have different needs and desires that don’t always make sense to the other person. Learning to roll with those differences is key.”

“If we have a conflict, I have to assume I carry some of the blame.”

In the r/AskOldPeople subreddit, a long-time married person explained their “secret” to de-escalating conflict. u/urbanek2525 wrote, “Trust and respect. If we have a conflict, I have to assume I carry some of the blame. I have to assume she has a good point, otherwise she wouldn’t stand by it. I have to trust she cares about my point of view, too. I cool myself off and look for those points, and look for what I could do better. She’s doing the same thing at the same time.”

In one short paragraph, this Reddit user covered vital aspects of conflict resolution. He not only emphasized the importance of trust and respect, but of empathy, patience, courtesy, and collaboration. 

A 2017 study found that couples who addressed their conflicts with direct communication had different levels of long-term satisfaction than couples who beat around the bush.

“Recent research has challenged assumptions that disagreement and opposition is bad for relationships,” the study concluded. 

Of course, clear communication doesn’t lead to resolutions for every couple. To ensure you and your partner are ready to confront your conflicts, you should strengthen the following skills. 

Strengthen Communication Skills

It’s better to over-communicate than under-communicate as you and your partner work together to reach a happy medium. When in doubt, reveal your true feelings. Nothing is gained in silence. 

You’ve probably heard that communication is all about listening, and I can confirm this as an admitted bad listener. It took years of discipline to improve my listening skills. Instead of focusing on my thoughts, I focus on what my partner is saying. After all, nothing says “I love and respect you” more than actively paying attention. 

And remember: Honest dialogues can only flourish in spaces where both people feel safe, respected, and heard. 

Build Trust & Intimacy

The Gottmans say that all conflict stems from the question “Can I count on you to have my back?” If you can’t trust your partner, the relationship simply won’t work. 

You could argue that trust and intimacy are the most vital bricks in the imaginary wall holding up your relationship. I don’t think a relationship can truly flourish without trust, and trust is usually earned in intimate moments. 

And by “intimacy,” I don’t mean sex — not exclusively, anyway. Author and intimacy coach Beth Darling told us that physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and romantic intimacy are five vital elements of a happy relationship. Each type is an opportunity to show you care, and that you’re dedicated to their well-being. 

Prevent Escalation of Conflicts

As children, we’re taught to think before we act. So why do so many of us explode into anger or storm off before we resolve our conflicts? When this happens, regret and guilt are our companions instead of our loved ones. 

It’s okay to leave a confrontation if tensions are high and emotions are out of control. But for the most part, it’s important to take a deep breath, cool off, and stay in the moment during a confrontation. 

In a piece for Psychology Today, psychotherapist Moshe Ratson urged readers to consider their words carefully before jumping into conflict. Ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it useful? Is it necessary? Is it going to land well? Is this the right time to say it?” 

Ignoring these questions and storming into battle — or storming off entirely — may only escalate the conflict and raise tensions. 

You can only successfully address conflicts when you have a clear head. Before you say anything you may regret, take a deep breath and center yourself. Let those angry words dissolve and make a conscious effort to choose constructive words instead. 

Communication has never been more complicated than it is today, what with social media, the current political landscape, and the world’s vast cultural differences. This diversity is beautiful, but rife with conflict. Keep an eye out for them as you embark on a new relationship. 

Miscommunication in Digital Interactions

Tone is the one thing technology has yet to nail. Unless you send a voice note, your partner can’t judge your tone based on a text. 

“Do you think he’s mad at me?” is a question I’ve received far too often from friends who received a short “OK” from their partners. “Or am I overthinking it?” 

Avoid overthinking entirely by establishing digital communication habits early on. Tell your partner (in person, not over text) about your texting habits and whether “OK” is another way of saying “I’m angry” or is simply a casual shorthand.  

Only have important conversations IRL so you can avoid those awkward misunderstandings about tone and intent. Your emotional intelligence as well as your partner’s will only grow as a result, making open communication easier and more fulfilling in the long run. 

Couples Counseling Works Best Early On

Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes, and therapy can’t always fix a broken relationship.

Couples counseling is an investment into your relationship’s future. The best time to seek counseling is before you’ve both said things you’ll regret. 

“If you and your partner just can’t get on the same page, a neutral third party can help you understand each other better.”

I remember nearly every criticism my former partners have thrown at me, even if they weren’t said in anger. Chances are, you do, too. If you and your partner just can’t get on the same page, a neutral third party can help you understand each other better. 

A counselor can help you both understand each other’s point of view, but they can’t do so effectively if you and your partner can barely be in the same room. Counseling works best when you don’t have to focus solely on short-term disagreements. 

Deeply Rooted Disagreements in Values, Lifestyle, or Politics

For better or for worse, your personal values, lifestyle preferences, and political beliefs define who you are. Fundamental beliefs about life, love, and family are usually dealbreakers. 

You shouldn’t change huge, fundamental parts of yourself to keep a relationship afloat. But you shouldn’t be too rigid, either. “Sometimes, [we have to] adjust our expectations for relationships,” Rebecca Williams, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told us. “[Partners] can still be really happy even if they don’t see things the same way.” 

If your partner can’t respect your dealbreakers, the best resolution could be to part ways. 

It’s important to remember that conflict resolution can’t always happen in person. If you fear for your safety, then communicating via text or through a third party mediator are better options.

You can also call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for guidance and resources. 

Conflicts can feel overwhelming. It helps to tackle large-scale problems with practical, easy-to-implement solutions. The Gottmans established a few simple tips to help couples manage conflicts.

1. Active Listening
2. Use “I” Language & Take Accountability
3. Look for a Compromise
4. Don’t Let Anger Speak for You
5. Remember You’re on the Same Team

Working in tandem with your partner toward a shared goal only strengthens your bond. 

Conflict resolution is basically an exercise in caring. 

It requires each person in a relationship to look within themselves, to question their long-held beliefs, and to decide whether they’re willing to go through the uncomfortable process of growth for their partner. 

Psychologist and marriage expert Dr. Bill Harley once told us that “Marriage is a mutual relationship of extraordinary care… When you marry somebody, you have to be prepared to make that person the number one priority in your life. We express extraordinary care.” 

What better way to express extraordinary care early on in your relationship than by overcoming obstacles with your partner? 

With the right conflict resolution tools, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be vanquished. When you and your partner establish healthy conflict resolution habits early in your relationship, you set yourselves up for a healthy relationship down the line.