What Is Effective Communication for Relationships?

When it comes to relationships, communication is crucial. Think about it this way: You can’t have a relationship with another person without ever communicating with them in some way. 

It helps if you literally speak the same language. My aunt was raised speaking Japanese while my uncle grew up speaking Spanish. When they met in their 20s, English was a second language for both of them, but it became their main way to communicate. Forty years of marriage later, they’re fluent in each other’s love language and don’t need a translator to know what the other is thinking.

But even if you both speak the same language, that doesn’t mean misunderstandings never happen. Learning how to communicate effectively is important if you want to form and maintain healthy relationships.

What constitutes effective communication in your relationship will depend a lot on you and your partner’s personalities, preferences, lifestyles, and cultures. I’ll go over some core elements to master. 

1. Active Listening

Active listening is an important communication skill in general. And in committed relationships, it’s absolutely vital.

Going beyond therapy speak, active listening is about being completely engaged in what the other person is saying. It means you’re thinking of the other person, not what you want to say in reply.

This skill is the foundation of healthy personal relationships. Patience, empathy, and compassion are the keys to becoming a more active listener.

Reddit user u/petereden1998 asked the r/Marriage community how to get better at listening to his wife. In his post, he wrote, “I love my wife so much, and I don’t want her to feel like I don’t listen to her.” 

And that’s the danger that comes from a lack of active, engaged listening: You make your partner feel they’re not important or that you’re not paying attention to them. By learning how to listen actively, you demonstrate to your partner that they’re important to you.

2. Clarity and Honesty

Effective communication is clear communication. After all, it’s going to cause a lot of confusion and angst if what you’re saying is unclear.

My husband struggles with this and constantly has to check that he’s not assuming I know something he knows. For instance, one time he asked me to help him “clear the junk” off his workbench. And we discovered that he and I have different definitions of what junk means.

Effective communication is also honest communication. Lies, half-truths, and omissions can wreak havoc on a relationship.

Erica Hanlon, a licensed therapist and coach, writes that the top causes of resentment in relationships are dishonesty and unclear communication. As she puts it, “If you’re feeling resentful, it’s because you’re pretending to enjoy doing things that you don’t like to do. You’re not being honest with yourself and/or others about what you really want.”

I know being honest can be challenging. It requires a certain amount of vulnerability and trust in your partner. After all, what if you’re clear and honest about what you want, and they laugh? Or reject you?

Or, like this Reddit user, you might not even know what you want and need from your partner, much less how to communicate it. 

Learning how to identify what you feel, want, need, and desire, and being brave enough to express those things clearly and honestly, will take your communication to the next level. As the saying goes, closed mouths don’t get fed. 

3. Nonverbal Communication

Communication isn’t just words. Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues play a role. Keep that in mind when you’re talking to your partner.

Nonverbal cues can be especially difficult for neurodivergent folks who are on the spectrum or have ADHD. Even neurotypical people can struggle to understand why a person used a particular tone of voice or made a particular gesture during a conversation. 

You can improve your ability to notice and interpret nonverbal cues and, in turn, use those nonverbal cues to make your own communication clearer and more effective.

Learning how to notice these cues will help you better understand what your partner means. For example, folded arms are a sign of protectiveness. They’re closing themselves off from you, perhaps out of anger or fear. Touching one’s neck is another sign of discomfort and nervousness that can be telling, especially in tense conversations.

4. Timing and Patience

You’ve got to pick your battles in a relationship. And timing can be critical.

I don’t bring up difficult topics with my husband the moment he wakes up or when he gets home from work in a bad mood. I wait for times when we’re both relaxed and in a good frame of mind to raise concerns that need serious deliberation.

Of course, difficult conversations don’t become any easier with time, so it’s not good to wait too long. But take a beat to get in a positive mindset to ensure you can navigate a difficult topic in a constructive way.

Trying to talk things out while angry will often lead to saying things you regret later. Take a moment to breathe and get in a headspace for problem-solving.

My husband and I both enjoy playing board games. However, we have different playing styles that can cause conflict. My husband will go for your throat on the gaming table, even though he is a kind and considerate person in just about every other aspect of his life.

During a particularly contentious game, I felt almost like I was being bullied. My husband, on the other hand, was becoming upset at my increasingly sharp, curt answers to his attempts to chat in between turns. Instead of having it out right then, we stopped the game and took some time to cool off. 

Afterward, we discussed our different experiences and saw each other’s perspective. We’ve had to have a few more conversations about ethics in tabletop gaming over the years, but we continue to enjoy challenging each other. 

Being patient enough to wait until my anger cooled off meant that I wasn’t just lashing out but could actually hear my partner’s perspective.

It’s impossible to have a relationship without any conflict. Whether you’re assembling IKEA furniture in your first apartment or navigating the guest list for your wedding, there will always come moments when you and your partner are at odds.

Cultivating the skills to get through the conflict without escalating tensions or damaging your relationship is vital. So here are some tips to keep in mind.

Use “I” Statements

Granted, the use of “I” statements often comes across like something out of a bad sitcom episode where the dysfunctional married couple goes to therapy together, only to discover that their therapist is more unhinged than either of them. But in the real world, this method works well to help prevent conflicts from escalating into all-out fights.

The basic premise of using “I” statements is to take ownership of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. You’re talking about your emotions and not projecting anything onto your partner.

For example, instead of “You never listen to me!” an “I” statement would be, “I feel like you’re not listening to what I’m saying.” 

“I” statements help you reframe the conversation. It becomes about what each person is experiencing rather than hurling accusations. By focusing on your individual perspectives, you can get down to the real problem instead of lashing out at each other.

Of course, it isn’t foolproof, but try framing the narrative to explaining your side of things and helping each other understand the different experiences you’re having.

Stay Calm & Respectful

It can feel nearly impossible to remain calm and respectful when you’re frustrated. I’m someone who tends to have a sharp temper, so I know just how hard it can be. 

There are several good strategies for keeping calm during an argument, from practicing breathing techniques to deliberately lowering your voice or slowing down the rate at which you speak.

Two key tactics have worked the best for me: 1) walking away when necessary and 2) finding something to laugh at.

I know that there’s a “point of no return” when it comes to my anger. When I feel my frustration creeping closer to the redline, I force myself to stop. I tell my husband, “I’m getting really agitated about this, and I need to stop discussing it for a bit so I can calm down. Please give me some time to cool off.” 

Don’t mistake walking away for shutting down the conversation, however. Make sure you communicate to your partner that you need a break and will circle back to the topic when you’re calm and able to control your temper better. 

Find Solutions Together

When I was in elementary school, one of the major tenets of the Conflict Resolution modules we were taught was, “Attack the problem, not the person.” And as hokey as that particular rule might sound, it’s definitely the way to go.

As frustrating as a given conflict with your partner might be, the outcome is always going to be better if you both address the issue itself instead of venting your frustrations at each other. But what does that look like in practice?

As Counselor Kathryn Maietta explains in an article on the topic, the key is to identify the problem itself and keep it at the forefront of the discussion.

Focus on what the problem is, rather than who’s to blame for it. Collaborate with your partner to solve the problem itself. 

While it’s easier said than done, especially in the heat of the moment, taking a beat to remind yourself that you want to solve the problem, not just hit back at the person connected to it, will help both you and your partner to resolve things more quickly. 

Learning to build your emotional intimacy with your partner will help you keep your relationship strong, making it easier to keep your communication skills sharp and effective.

Express Love and Affection

It may seem pretty obvious, but expressing love and affection for your partner on a consistent basis is absolutely necessary to a healthy, intimate relationship.

This can look different for each couple, and what works for one person is not necessarily the love language for another. Some people express affection through compliments, some people through physical contact, and still others through little favors and treats. The key is to make sure you’re expressing your feelings on a consistent basis.

For example, my husband and I know each other’s likes and dislikes when it comes to everything from the grocery store to family events. If he’s out running errands and happens to be near a bakery, he’ll make sure to pick me up a treat. And since I know how much he loves chocolate chip cookies, I bake batches of them regularly for him to enjoy.

Do Regular Check-ins

While a routine doesn’t always seem like the sexiest part of a relationship, every good relationship needs maintenance.

Communicate with your partner regularly. Share the details of your day and discuss your experiences. Talk about the things you’re looking forward to and how you feel about your life.

My husband and I message each other throughout the day. These little missives are pretty casual but help us keep in touch with what the other is going through while we’re apart.

Constant communication habits can help you understand your partner’s perspective better, and that’s helpful when conflicts do arise. It also means you can both approach outside problems to get a solution neither of you might have thought of alone.

Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue

If you want your partner to be honest and upfront with you, you have to create an environment where that openness and honesty aren’t the source of more stress. That means setting aside your judgment and learning how to listen first and respond after.

Creating an atmosphere of emotional safety in your relationship can be a demanding task, but by demonstrating to your partner that they can express themselves without worrying that they’ll be “punished,” your overall relationship will be stronger. 

As Marriage and Family Therapist Tamara Thompson says, “A safe place requires that you do not feel as if you are at risk of harm or danger, and with emotional safety, it means knowing that you will not be criticized, blamed, rejected, invalidated or dismissed by your partner.”

Differences in native language aren’t the only communication barriers that exist. Learning how to overcome these barriers will make your communication flow more freely — even when things get stressful.

To Interrupt or to Stay Silent?

Some people have a tendency to talk your ear off or to become domineering in conversations when things get heated. But how do we address these tendencies?

While there are some indications that neurodiverse people may not realize when they’re dominating a conversation, it’s important for everyone to feel heard.

Setting rules for conversations could be a workable solution until habits become ingrained. Of course, you’ll have to stick with the boundaries you set, as well as learn how to make them specific to you and your partner.

By setting rules of engagement, you’ll be able to ensure you both get to speak your piece. 

Miscommunication Over Text

Texting and instant messaging have become the primary ways most people engage with each other, but they’re fraught with issues. It’s difficult to discern tone in the written word, and a mistimed “send” can change the entire meaning of what you or your partner are saying.

And that’s before autocorrect blunders or typos.

Save important conversations for direct contact methods instead of indirect methods of communication like texts or DMs.

If something your partner writes to you in a text message hits you the wrong way, address it with them in person rather than assuming the worst and firing off a brutal return text.

Avoidance Isn’t the Answer

The easiest answer to feelings of frustration, anger, anxiety, or sadness in a relationship may seem to be to just avoid the situation entirely. But you can’t avoid every issue forever. And problems have a tendency to grow while you’re running away from them.

Instead of avoiding your issues with your partner, it’s best to address them. If your partner said or did something that made you uncomfortable, unhappy, or upset, you should take the time to get to the bottom of why you feel that way and then approach your partner about resolving the issue. 

By communicating your needs, fears, and issues, you and your partner can give each other the support to solve problems and move forward.

Dealing With Emotional Triggers

We all have pasts, which means we all have certain situations, phrases, or events that lead to strong emotions. Learning to handle your emotional triggers — whatever those triggers are — is crucial to communicating effectively in your relationship.

Learn to recognize the signs that your emotions are getting the better of you. Practice checking in with yourself, noticing when you’re feeling especially sad or angry, frustrated or anxious.

Once you know what your triggers are (or at least when you’re experiencing one), it becomes much easier to manage the reaction. 

Communicating with your partner effectively is a skill. That’s good news because it means you can learn how to improve. You just need to practice it consistently. Remember, it was true with piano lessons and soccer games, and it’s true in relationships: Practice makes perfect!

Consistently apply the principles of effective communication to build emotional intimacy and navigate difficult times. This will ultimately make your relationships richer and healthier, alleviating a lot of stress from your personal life.

Get your skills up and reap the benefits of effective communication in your relationships!