A Dating Coach’s Advice For Extraordinary Relationships Begins With Self-Awareness

The Short Version: Valentina Tudose, a relationship coach based in Hong Kong, has spent 10-plus years in the coaching industry helping women discover their unique paths to what she calls “extraordinary relationships.” Having a common goal with your partner and expressing your needs are just two ways to make an extraordinary relationship a reality. The real test is whether you can engage in the necessary introspection and self-work to change bad habits, break relationship rules, and work through conflict. 

Oftentimes, the only thing standing in the way between you and a happy relationship is yourself. 

It’s the single most annoying piece of advice you can receive. It’s also the most helpful. 

“I tell my clients that I don’t give advice, because in truth, I believe that they are the expert at what they need to achieve in life. I’m only a guide,” Valentina Tudose, a popular Hong Kong-based relationship coach, told us. 

Still, she specializes in helping women create what she calls “extraordinary relationships”, or romantic relationships defined by the above advice. Self-growth, she told us, is often the key to a successful relationship. 

“I felt very strongly that there is work that needs to be done internally for each woman,” Valentina explained. Obviously, self-work isn’t easy. It’s what makes this advice so maddening! 

Looking inward at your own bad habits and your own needs can be incredibly uncomfortable. You’re basically holding a mirror up to your innermost desires and showing it to the person whose opinion you care about the most. But according to Valentina, overcoming this discomfort — and the conflict that arises while you work on yourself — is essential to creating lasting bonds.  

“Sometimes, we are caught up in our own story,” Valentina explained. Self-work begins when you’re able to tell your partner your story while listening to theirs. 

You could speak every language on Earth, and some sentences would still get lost in translation. 

“Language is imperfect,” Valentina said. This is especially true in romantic relationships, where emotions and vulnerability are high. “We think we say the same thing, but actually, everyone has a different meaning.” 

For example, some people hear the phrase “I want stability” and associate it with financial freedom, while others associate stability with a strong family unit. 

Being able to speak clearly and confidently about your needs is an oft-forgotten skill, one Valentina suggested honing. “You need to be able to express the no-gos — the areas of a relationship that do not work for you — to your partner,” she told us. 

Your partner can’t possibly know how to please you (and vice versa) if you don’t share your boundaries and wants with them. Long-term partnerships succeed when each individual agrees on common goals — when you share the same definition of stability, in other words. 

“If we have a common vision and we are able to communicate to each other very clearly what the stops on this journey need to be for us to be happy, then we have a really good opportunity to grow together,” Valentina explained. Growth is the ultimate sign of an extraordinary relationship, she told us. “If we don’t grow together, we grow apart.” 

Common goals look different to every couple, and it’s important to remember that they change as your relationship deepens. One common goal in newer relationships is to balance time between friends and each other. Married couples, meanwhile, might have a common goal to listen to each other more. 

The road to achieving these goals won’t always be smooth, but Valentina assured us that it’s the attempt that matters. “An extraordinary relationship is a relationship in which the partners make a commitment to help each other grow toward that common goal that they set in the beginning,” Valentina said. 

We’re taught to adhere to certain social norms, but Valentina told us that love doesn’t always fit into perfect boxes. “I believe extraordinary relationships are those relationships that do not follow prescribed rules that we’ve all been programmed to follow,” she explained. “I don’t think everyone has to be in the same kind of relationship as everyone else.” 

One of the main “prescribed rules” is monogamy. “I don’t believe monogamy or exclusivity is the answer,” she said. “Every couple can create an extraordinary relationship according to their own rules.” 

Valentina helps women decide which rules, if any, should be broken. 

For example, a common misconception is that true “soulmates” never argue or have rough patches. In reality, reasonable conflict can actually be a sign that your relationship is working. It can indicate that you’re both ready to dig into unpleasant topics. 

Break through the “should’ves” and voice your concerns with your partner. Have that argument, because if it’s your truth, then it’s important for your partner to know. 

“I actually believe that conflicts are what help us understand each other better,” Valentina said. After all, if you work through conflict, you both respect each other enough to trust that a few disagreements won’t implode the relationship. Instead of avoiding conflict, dive into it. 

Are you really fighting about the dishes, or is something bigger at play? “Conflict actually represents unmet needs,” Valentina shared. “They also represent a great opportunity to rewrite unproductive patterns.” 

Breaking relationship rules and unproductive patterns is a lot like breaking a bad habit. It can take time and patience to do, but is ultimately freeing. “I don’t believe an extraordinary relationship is an easy relationship, but it’s a very fulfilling relationship,” Valentina said. 

Personal growth in a relationship is Valentina’s main goal. “Every challenge that you meet as a couple and every difficult conversion you have can really help you grow,” she reiterated. “And that, to me, is why I’m in this business.” 

Almost any dating coach worth their salt — Valentina included — will recommend self-work as an important step on your journey to finding true love. “If you want to meet your ideal partner, you have to become your ideal partner,” she said. 

Are you expressing yourself the way you’d want your partner to? Are you respecting your partner’s goals and supporting them as much as they support you? Do you handle conflict by ignoring it, or do you allow it to rule your relationship? 

You can’t expect your partner to grow leaps and bounds if you’re incapable of growing yourself. 

“For me, it really doesn’t matter what stage of life you’re at as long as you understand what kind of ideal relationship you’re ready for,” Valentina said. 

If you know how you want to grow and are willing to help your partner in the process, Valentina’s coaching services are for you. “I don’t tell my clients the answers,” she said. “I help them find their own answers through a program that I tailor for them.” 

The less self-aware we are of our traumas, habits, and beliefs about love, the weaker our relationships will be. But self-awareness isn’t as easy to achieve as it sounds. It’s not simply a matter of flipping a switch, something Valentina herself has worked to understand.

“My main advice is something that I use for myself … because I’m still in the process of learning about love,” she said. “The advice is, if you feel unhappy about something another person does  or doesn’t do, ask yourself, ‘How can I do that myself?’”

In other words, you have to be able to mirror the qualities you want in your partner. This makes it easier for you to express what you want, and to recognize when what you’re asking for isn’t doable. 

It’s a concept Valentina calls mirroring: When you mirror the qualities you need your partner to have, it can reveal more about you and your own needs. 

It’s this quest for self-knowledge that led to Queen Rising, Valentina’s immersive transformational group coaching program. It’s for women in every stage of life, whether they’re newly divorced, in a long-term relationship, or perpetually single. The program helps women lean on each other, learn from their collective experiences, and overcome feelings of discomfort and loneliness. “It’s about helping women find the next version of themselves,” Valentine explained. 

And with Valentina’s guidance, the next version of yourself can be extraordinary.