The Holistic Matchmaker Who Says Self-Reflection Can Prepare You For Love

The Short Version: When you put your heart in a matchmaker’s hands, you need to know that they’ll treat it with respect. Matchmaker Alexandra Freeman’s holistic approach to matchmaking means she’s gentle but firm with her clients’ hearts. By encouraging self-reflection and realistic expectations, she’s not only preparing her clients for love, but helping them understand themselves better. 

Sometimes, it awes me how the only thing standing between me and my forever person could very well be the guidance of a matchmaker. I’d need to trust that a matchmaker understands the weight of their role. After all, they’d have my heart in their hands. 

It’s safe to say that Alexandra Freeman understands the seriousness of her responsibility as a matchmaker. 

“I always knew I wanted to connect with people on a deeper level and do some sort of personal work,” Alexandra told us. When she saw how matchmakers could bring so much joy to people’s lives, she knew she had found her calling. 

“I was like, ‘Oh, this is it. This is what I want to do.’” 

Some matchmakers are all about tough love, while others prefer a “sink or swim” approach for their clients. These aren’t bad approaches, but they aren’t Alexandra’s style. 

That’s why she brings an all-encompassing, holistic approach to Matchmaker Alexandra. With a deeply rooted passion for helping others, Alexandra is more than capable of preparing our hearts for romance.

She starts by fully understanding her clients… and helps them fully understand themselves, too. 

Some matchmakers only want to check off every box on a client’s wishlist, but others try to give their client what they really need. To do the latter, Alexandra looks at everything: a client’s background, their career, their non-romantic relationships, their hobbies, and their goals, to name a few. 

“I am a huge advocate for taking a holistic approach to matchmaking and dating,” Alexandra told us.

She tries to get a well-rounded view of the client so she can provide accurate match suggestions. “Rather than approach dating or matchmaking from a very narrow point of view, we look at (the client’s) entire lifestyle,” she explained. She calls it “a 360 degree perspective of understanding.” 

If you don’t know who you’re dealing with — what they’ve been through, their fears, their faults, and their strengths — then you can’t possibly know who would be a suitable match for them. 

Of course, it’s up to the client to maintain a healthy amount of self-worth. You need to believe you’re worthy of love if you ever want to find a loving, satisfying relationship, right?

“That’s one thing I feel very strongly about,” Alexandra told us. “People need to take a more holistic approach to dating than just showing up and having dinner.” 

“My number one advice is self evaluation,” she said. She knows it’s not an easy task, especially if you struggle with low self-confidence or self-worth. “It’s not a comfortable thing,” she admitted. 

But since when is growth comfortable?

“The better you understand yourself, your needs, your wants, your features and flaws, the more success you’re going to have going forward,” she said. Even more importantly, you’ll be able to “course correct when things go wrong,” Alexandra emphasized. 

You don’t need a therapist to practice self-evaluation (though one could certainly come in handy). Simply writing down your thoughts about yourself is a good place to start. Alexandra suggested asking yourself tough questions, even if you don’t like your answers. 

“How is my self-worth? How is my self-confidence? What is my social circle or social life like? Am I physically and mentally healthy?” 

Alexandra said these questions “tend to get neglected” in the matchmaking industry. Sometimes, matchmakers worry so much about providing a high quantity of matches that they forget all about quality. 

“Sit with yourself, ask yourself some very pointed questions, give yourself honest answers, and see if that honest conversation with yourself can help set you on the correct path,” she said. 

And if you can’t answer these questions, then you may not be ready for a relationship.

As any matchmaking client could tell you, the secret to success is being honest with yourself about the kind of person you need versus the kind of person you want. Manage your expectations, in other words. 

“I coach people to not be overly picky,” Alexandra said. According to her, finding a viable date in the matchmaking world is all about having balanced expectations.

This is especially true when it comes to physical appearance. “There’s a nice, healthy balance between being overly invested in somebody’s looks and being realistic about your own personal preferences and needs,” she reminded us. 

Alexandra has encountered two extremes: The client who eagerly provides a wish list of qualities they want a potential partner to have, and the client who harbors so much shame about needing a matchmaker that they can barely articulate their desires. Both types of clients require a unique approach. 

The wish list client approaches matchmaking with the same mindset as ordering fast food. “At the end of the day, we’re not ordering a pizza,” Alexandra reminded us. “There’s a whole other person at the other end of this with their own thoughts, dreams, and hopes, and they have to be interested in you.” 

Then there’s the bashful client, the person who has trouble asking for help in the first place. 

“A lot of people are ashamed by the concept of needing a matchmaker,” Alexandra told us. “They feel like they should be able to do it on their own.” A dangerous mindset, she told us, is this repeated thought cycle: “‘I should be able to find love. Everybody else can do it. Why do I need help?’”

Alexandra’s advice? To remember that matchmakers are just like anyone else who uses their expertise to help others. 

“It’s no more embarrassing than needing a lawyer to help you draft a contract or a personal trainer to teach you how to lift,” she pointed out. 

Too often, shame gets in the way of self-love — and self-reflection. This makes finding love even harder. “Sometimes, we just have different skills and resources available to us than you might have on your own,” she reassured us. 

In other words? Go easy on yourself. 

The most alluring people are those with enough self-worth to admit when they need love — and when they need help. “Just come into everything with realistic expectations and hope. Then we can work with you,” Alexandra advised.  

For matchmaking to work, you need to be receptive to new ideas and suggestions from your matchmaker. If a first date doesn’t go according to plan, you should know why. 

And chances are, your matchmaker will want to clue you into what you’re doing right and what you’re doing, well, wrong. 

“Feedback is so vital to the process that I actually put it in the contract,” Alexandra told us. “If you refuse to do post-date feedback, I will fire you as a client, because it’s so important to the matching process. The whole thing collapses without it.” 

This is why it’s so important for your matchmaker to have an all-encompassing picture of your identity. If Alexandra realizes early on that you’re unwilling to change your mindset, she may not take you on as a client — and matchmaking in general may not be the right path for you. 

Everyone has endearing qualities, and everyone has not-so-endearing qualities, too. Wouldn’t you want to know what yours are so you can improve yourself and your chances of finding love? 

“I can’t get a good gauge of who you’re going to like until I present you with someone and you tell me everything that was right and everything that was wrong. That is the most valuable feedback I can get,” she said. “Without that, I’m flying blind.” 

It’s all about fostering understanding. Your matchmaker needs to understand what your needs are, which can’t happen if you don’t know what you need. And you can’t know what you need if you don’t put yourself out there and open yourself up to feedback. 

It’s a mental knot, but one you can untangle with time and self-reflection. 

After all, you can’t expect to find love if you can’t understand why someone would love you in the first place. As Alexandra said, “You’re going to increase your chances if you’re coming from a healthy perspective.”