He Lives with His Ex. Is This a Mindf***?

Rachel Dack

Written by: Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and relationship coach specializing in individual and couples psychotherapy. Rachel's areas of expertise include relationships, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and self-esteem.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Reader Question:

On our third date, I confronted the guy I’m dating about finding a girl’s things in his bathroom. He said they’re breaking up and she just needs somewhere to stay until she finds a new place. Reluctantly, I believe him.

We started being intimate. He talks about wanting to make me happy, but his life is so busy. Most of the time we spend together is doing his running around.

He has recently said when she (the ex) moves out, he’s going to give me a set of keys. I never asked for them, nor prompted him to think I wanted them.

He’s 38 and has never been married. I’m 30 and don’t want my time wasted.

Is this just a big mindf**?

-Stella (Pennsylvania)

Rachel Dack’s Answer:

Hey Stella,

Although there is no way for either of us to know exactly what is going on, it sounds like you are picking up on some key red flags or warning signals, as you should.

He seems to be exhibiting some fishy behavior, such as being intimate with you while another woman lives with him, making promises that you will have a key as soon as she moves out (without you requesting a key) and dragging you around on his errands versus making time for both of you to enjoy pleasurable activities together.

I am also uncomfortable with the idea that his “ex” still lives there.

You deserve to be with someone who is completely available to you. Unfortunately, this man seems a bit unavailable, especially because he is sharing close quarters with another woman who he is or has also been intimate with.

I have to wonder if they are really broken up or not and if they will be.

I understand you are falling for him, but I also urge you to listen to your gut and really think about what you want. It seems like you already know it might be unsafe to continue to invest your time with him.

Do what’s right for you, and if you do decide to spend more time with him, I would proceed with caution until you truly know he is a man who is honest, trustworthy and single.

Take care,


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