He’s “Dating” Another Girl. Do I Give Him an Ultimatum?

Dr. Wendy Walsh
Dr. Wendy Walsh Updated:
Discuss This! Discuss This!

Reader Question:

I met a guy online who lives 500 miles away. He’s 34 and I’m 53. He did tell me he had a girl he dated “locally” and that he was just on the site looking for friends. Three months later we realized we have feelings for each other.

Meanwhile, he still indicates he’s having issues with his girlfriend, who is not someone he’s “dating” locally. He’s living with her and they’ve been together for four years.

I finally decided we had to meet to see if this was worth pursuing. He gave me the reason he didn’t think it was right to do it while he was still with her. I finally gave him an ultimatum and told him I couldn’t play second fiddle. He professed his love but said he was very confused.

Do I give him ultimatum, it’s her or me? Am I wrong to ask him to make that decision?

-Nancy (Florida)

Dr Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Oh Nancy, Nancy, Nancy! You wrote to me for honesty, right? Well, are you sitting down? Because here comes a honey pot of reality.

You are living in fantasy land, my dear woman. You have not even met this person who may or may not be a man and who may or may not have a girlfriend.

I highly suggest you see the documentary “Catfish” (available on iTunes and Netflix) about an online love scam.

But even if you don’t do that, let’s assume for a moment he’s actually who he says he is and ignore the fact he began writing to you by lying about his relationship status.

Let’s just look at the alleged facts.

A.) He’s nearly 20 years younger than you.

B.) He’s in a serious relationship.

C.) He told you from the beginning he’s only looking to be friends.

So I ask you, why would you risk your heart on such a bad bet?

The question should not be about giving him an ultimatum, but rather, should you give yourself the love you deserve?

If so, then this is not the horse you should ride into the sunset with. Run, girl!

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.